"come" of morn

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by shobs, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. shobs

    shobs Member

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    beauty touches its own memory

    smiling upon the vast multitudes

    breathe child and I will show you the way to the spirit world

    the wine was poured and drunk

    spiraling silver pathways through sandy mist

    copulation morning glowing ember

    spark the day and fuel the night

    retreat back among the great Iron Barrier

    safety wrought from depths unknown

    treacherous water spewing from rocks

    death brings forth a fresh breath

    free from gardens of lost temples

    in the sky shuddering with mad

    holy being come here, spreading flowers among pebbles

    she laid among the stars holding in quiet orgasm of light

    there was a scream in the midst

    all went unheard countless years ahead

    dreams fluttering through mystic machinery

    churned cycles of endless time

    forgotten memories of sun basked joy

    but the new dawn arises

    and we sit present

    to await the milky coming of the day

    please comment!
    thanks
     
  2. ernestos boi

    ernestos boi Member

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    thats so gay
     
  3. ReadyForAction

    ReadyForAction Member

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    Oh come on, at least make a decent response to your dislike dumbass.
     
  4. shobs

    shobs Member

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    ya pal FUCK U, lets see ur stuff
     
  5. blackheartbitch

    blackheartbitch Member

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    im not sure how i feel about it actually...u can definately write and u are definately wise for your age...but this poem has something about it that rubs me kinda wrong and i cant put my finger on it
     
  6. ReadyForAction

    ReadyForAction Member

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    I love 'Tickle Me Elmo', but those other Tickle Me Muppets just rub me the wrong way!
     
  7. mojave green

    mojave green Member

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    I find it a little too eclectic and abstract [for my taste]. And, it sounds to me like you are trying too hard to be that way. Like it didn't just flow out of you, but was labored over, and maybe forced. It sounds a little sword and sorcery-ish at times, "great iron barriers," "lost temples." But, maybe that is what you are into. And maybe you wanted it sound that way. When I was 16 I was into that, and it colored and influenced everthing I did then. As I read it, I found myself hearing Wagners Magic Fire Music in my mind [check it out]. Maybe this was your intent.

    What really matters is what YOU think of it. How you felt writing it, and, how you feel reading it now. What changes would you make in it for yourself -- if any?

    You are talented and should keep writing. Let's see some more.
     
  8. Freakymetalchik

    Freakymetalchik BITCH.

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    You have talent, that's obvious.....
     

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