beauty touches its own memory smiling upon the vast multitudes breathe child and I will show you the way to the spirit world the wine was poured and drunk spiraling silver pathways through sandy mist copulation morning glowing ember spark the day and fuel the night retreat back among the great Iron Barrier safety wrought from depths unknown treacherous water spewing from rocks death brings forth a fresh breath free from gardens of lost temples in the sky shuddering with mad holy being come here, spreading flowers among pebbles she laid among the stars holding in quiet orgasm of light there was a scream in the midst all went unheard countless years ahead dreams fluttering through mystic machinery churned cycles of endless time forgotten memories of sun basked joy but the new dawn arises and we sit present to await the milky coming of the day please comment! thanks
im not sure how i feel about it actually...u can definately write and u are definately wise for your age...but this poem has something about it that rubs me kinda wrong and i cant put my finger on it
I find it a little too eclectic and abstract [for my taste]. And, it sounds to me like you are trying too hard to be that way. Like it didn't just flow out of you, but was labored over, and maybe forced. It sounds a little sword and sorcery-ish at times, "great iron barriers," "lost temples." But, maybe that is what you are into. And maybe you wanted it sound that way. When I was 16 I was into that, and it colored and influenced everthing I did then. As I read it, I found myself hearing Wagners Magic Fire Music in my mind [check it out]. Maybe this was your intent. What really matters is what YOU think of it. How you felt writing it, and, how you feel reading it now. What changes would you make in it for yourself -- if any? You are talented and should keep writing. Let's see some more.
