my mother in law just called to make sure i wasn't suicidal!

OMFG!! i wrote a funny email and sent it to everyone to make them laugh. i was bored and in a nasty little funk, but nothing so harsh that some chatting and funny stories couldn't cure, and DID cure. for pete's sake! she was going to call the cops if i didn't answer the phone! can you believe that? i'm shocked, stunned and annoyed. but kind of touched. except that she's the queen of making mountains out of molehills. good lord, a bummed out, not okay day does not make for slashed wrists!

 

lmao she really over reacted big time at least she got you on phone before cops and fire department showed up you would of been suprised big time then

 

goodness. i mean, child protective services woulda showed up! for NOTHING except a menopausal mother in law is unhinged.

 

crazy...atleast you know she cares.

good thing it got figured out though

 

no doubt. i'm gonna post my notes, you can see what it's about:

thought some of you would be amused, A ONE WOMAN PLAY, IN THREE ACTS:

PART I

i can't fully explain the extent of my boredom...
not without grabbing a beer. hang on *steps receeding, sound of beer pouring int a glass, steps approaching*

okay, so anyhoo, i'm being a slacker mom. i haven't cleaned my house in a week and i figure that since dave is on vacation, i should be, too. damned straight. except i've gotta live with the toys and shoes on the floor and such. it makes my reading and scrabble playing somewhat tedious.

but i stubbornly cling to might right NOT TO CLEAN MY HOUSE until tomorrow. *sniffs* i don't care if it's a nonsensical nuisance i'm not going to clean my house to make myself HAPPY! hang on, my daughter is stuck behind the couch...

so instead i'm going to look at the crayon mark on the wall. i thought i'd gotten rid of all the crayons the last time that happened. but that's what magic erasers are for. i very nearly feel like writing a poem about magic erasers, except that poems were never my thing and frankly i can't be bothered while on vacation.

now if you'll excuse mE from my profoundly fascinating journal style entry and complaint, i'm going to put Air Buddies on my 2 year old because she's obsessed with it and frankly it makes her stop crying for about 5 minutes.

PART II

hell, i'm such a loser

i couldn't help myself, i had to clean my house. i don't think that makes me a workaholic, though, since i was probably 2 hours away from someone calling the health department. but i AM leaving the crayon mark on the wall as a symbol of my defiance and freedom, even if it's only because i'm all out of magic erasers.

at any rate, i'm wasting time ignoring my fighting and screaming daughters to watch jeopardy. amazingly, the final jeopardy answer is something i know. must be because it's college jeopardy. but still, i feel vindicated. only one of the frat boys got it right.

PART III

i decided to pull myself out of my funk while dave is gone by indulging in a beer. and what should happen when i step up to the kegorator? FOAM. there's no beer left in the kegorator. now, those who don't know me well don't know that when i want a beer, thwarting me is not a good idea.

after a fulminating glare at the offensively empty kegorator (i really have to discuss dave's beer consumption with him when he comes home, he really should share, and frankly i don't know why the kegorator didn't erupt into flames immediately) i recall that there's a warm corona out in the garage.

i go out to the garage, followed by the very people that have convinced me i need a beer. after tripping over them a couple times and answering the same question (what are you doing, mommy?) three times (admittedly, the last time was a bit loud) i return to the kitchen with aforementioned warm, stale beer. honestly, i don't care how old it is, it's still beer. you could hand me ancient bottle of beer left by a spectator of the burning of the library at alexandria and i'd STILL drink it right now.

persevering, and grateful that i'll at least have one beer, i open the fridge to set it to cooling. and what to my wondering eyes should appear but THREE COLDS BEERS! and despite my weakness in cleaning my house earlier today, i defiantly refuse to do laundry and THAT is something to celebrate.

though i suspect it hurts none but i, since i have the fewest clothes in this house. but what the hell, i can go naked. i've been meaning to anyway. that aughtta get the attention of the PTA when i drop off my daughter at school.

 

Haha..

You could say to her that suicide hadn't crossed your mind until she brought the subject up.

 

goodNESS. that woman.

 

So you were in a bad mood, you got cheered up, and basically your mom called you and reminded you about your bad mood. And she threw in a suicide curve ball.

Our moms could be friends.

 

lol. is she a pain in the ass, too? dave's mom has no sense of humor.

 

Yeah, that sounds like the kind of thing she'd pull. One time when I was like 11 I said I had a headache and she said that was a sign of inhalant abuse.

 

AAHAHAHAHA. one time i came home from a Rock & Bowl night that my friend's mom took us to. it was midnight, i'd had permission, and i got home with a runny nose because i was really cold out. i was 13 or so. my mother thought i was doing cocaine. which is funny, because when i actually started doing cocaine in my 20's she was totally oblivious.

but anyway, my mom thought it was a funny email, too. it's DAVE'S MOM who likes to stir up shit.

 

Ah gotcha. Maybe you need to get Dave's mom a hobby. Might keep her from being as much of a pain in the ass.

 

If you give out your M-I-L's number I can call her as a concerned friend and say I'm really worried about you right now and could she please intervene to insure you don't hurt yourself...

 

Stinkfoot, you know you're just trying to sex up KC in law.

 

Uh-oh... someone has cracked my code!

 

she is kinda hot.

 

Is she my type?

 

if crazy and a pain in the ass is your type, then yeah. she had boobs bigger than mine installed, though, so that's kinda points against her, too.

 

so i called dave and he's just HORRIFIED. he was apologizing for his mother, and i made promise to have a strong talk with her. she listens to him. she'll never listen to me. she likes to project her hell on her daughters (which includes me). i mean, i love her, but if she ruins my life because she's crazy, i'm seriously not ever going to forgive her.

 

I need a beer.