So my b/f who cheated on me last year is now lying/downplaying about what happened in an effort to make himself look better. I want to send this email to his friends to let them know the truth. __________________________________________________________________ I know Paul has discussed our situation and what occurred last year with an ex-girlfriend (Lisa). I also know he has made some very gross innaccuracies about what transpired and, in the process, has demeaned my character (ie, downplaying the level and length of their involvement... saying Lisa is a "monk" .... and that he broke all contact with her once I became aware what was going on). Also, I have spoken with Lisa numerous times about the situation and she has also conveyed that Paul has been expressing things less-than-honestly. I have cc: Paul on this as well. - Paul did not meet Lisa unwittingly at the wedding they reunited at. They spoke on the phone months before about it. He didn't tell me about it until about a week before it occurred. He told me at that time he wasn't inviting me because I probably wouldn't feel comfortable around his brother and brother's wife (where he stayed) seeing as they are strict Jehovah Witnesses and might not approve of Paul and I's relationship since he was not divorced yet. Apparently, he had no problem introducing Lisa to them that weekend though. - When he returned from the wedding I asked if he had met someone while he was there because he was acting very different towards me. He denied he had. I asked periodically over the next few weeks and months and he repeatedly denied it and told me the feelings and thoughts I was having were all in my head and from my own insecurities. - Their involvement did not last just a month and a half. They communicated from Aug-Nov (at which time when she indicated she was still very interested in a future with him but was unable to continue contact due to a Buddhist program she was involved in). He also saw her in person the day we got back from having spent Thanksgiving with Paul's family (which probably explains the subconcious meltdown I had the night before). On the drive home talking about my feelings that something was off, just hours before he saw her, he said to me: "You just don't trust me." He told me he was going to see a friend's daughter in town who had cancer. - He did not break all contact Lisa in the email he sent her in Jan once I became aware what was going on... and he was in contact with her after that. Actually, it was because of me that he didn't break all contact with her. I sensed he was very uncomfortable when he was about to send his intial draft and asked if it was because he was breaking all contact. He said it was. I asked if he felt he could just maintain a friendship with her and he said he could. I told him to redraft the email to reflect that. - In Lisa's email response she mentioned how Paul had asked her to consider growing old with him during the weekend of the wedding. Paul denies he ever said it and says it was she who asked him. Regardless, he was on board with the idea and discussed the potential of a life together in the future after her Buddhist nun vows would have become obsolete (Nov 2007). - Lisa is not a monk.. she is a Buddhist nun. Paul knows this full well. In her response to his Jan email she stated that since it was clear they would not be planning a life together she would become a monk for life at some point... but he is well aware she is not one yet. - He told me after sending the Jan email that he wanted to send her an apology email in the near future. He told me he would not let me read it before he sent it but that he might let me read it after-the-fact. At the end of April he told me that a few weeks earlier he had sent the email and had also called her. He read the email to me over the phone (Lisa recently told me she never rec'd an email but just a phone call). At that time, in retrospect, I realized Paul had been acting different including extra irritated at me for not being over his involvement with Lisa and blowing off a weekend he would have normally spent together to visit a friend who knows both Lisa and Paul. After some prying he finally admitted he had discussed things about Lisa with his friend. I told him then I wanted to renig on him having contact with Ti until a later time. He agreed he wouldn't be in contact with her anymore. - During Memorial Day weekend Paul and I came upon some acreage for sale while driving. He told me tearily as we drove away that he could envision having a life with me on a similar piece of property and asked if I had been feeling the same thing. I said I had. About a half hour later he started telling me he needed to find himself and how he is really a loner at heart (the same things he said after he reunited with Lisa and temporarily broke things off with me). I asked how long a break he wanted and he said indefinite. I remembered Lisa was planning to visit his sister in town at the end of July. I asked if they had talked about that in the April phone call. He said they had. I asked what he was going to do and he said he had told her he wasn't sure and made no mention of including me. This upset me greatly since he had told me just a month before he would not even have contact with her anymore. - I sent an email to Lisa a few days later fearing if I didn't another chapter of this triangle might ensue. She incidated in her response that she was now a Buddhist nun and continuing to pursue her Buddhist path and thanked me for taking care of Paul and his fears so that she could do so. - About a month later she sent me an email (of her own volition) about 2 weeks before coming to his sister's. She asked me to please not let Paul out of my sight and made it sound as if he had intentions of going to sister's while she was here. She said he had already caused too much trouble between all of us and that he was also telling inconsistent things to his sister and me and that he is a troubled man and unfairly dragging everyone into his lies and drama. I believe now Paul was just keeping me around until Lisa was free from her Buddhist vows. I find that and how he is demeaning my character very disheartening as I had thought so much more highly of Paul... but he is really just a spiteful, envious, insecure man. Or as Lisa wrote me in an email not long ago: "He is a troubled man: full of fears, doubts and more importantly - distrust in himself." It also makes me wonder all the more now if his ex-wife's "jealous nature" was also more about inappropriate behavior on Paul's part... and if his best friends concerns about wanting an affair with his long-term girlfriend were not just all in his head either.
They are ppl I may see in the near future. Why should I let them look at me badly if they see me again??
theyd probably look down at you more if you were to bring up this whoo-hah without their requesting it. its one thing if they ask, or you all end up in a discussion of the past... but to just randomly email his friends to badmouth him to them doesnt really speak towards your character all that well. i would keep your copy of it saved in case someone does ask for all the facts, but until then, dont demean the both of you by dragging his name through mud to his friends (even if he may deserve it)
I primarily want to DEFEND myself. He ALREADY has me looking very bad to ppl... so what difference does it make??!? As far as draggin his name thru the mud... there is no slander (untruthfulness) on my part.. and remember I am not so much trying to mud him as get my name OUT of the mud.
i guess i just dont undrestand why you feel the need to do this. it makes you look as low as him, to insult him to his friends without them requesting details of what truly happened, of how it went down. if you feel the need to send it then do so, ignore our advice that you requested... but im saying that in my opinion, it will make you look worse not better. yes it may get you some sympathy from some folks, but itll also get you labelled as a bitch by others
Chances are his friends know exactly who he is, and what kind of games he plays. If they want to believe him, then let them. Yes, it is hurtful, but you really don't need people in your life that buy into b***s**t. When I got divorced my ex trashed me to everyone we knew. It hurt like hell. However it was also one of the best things he could have done because it made me realize 1.) that he is a spineless, lying jerk, 2.) who my friends really are and 3.) I was better off without him. I understand the intent of your letter, but you have nothing to defend yourself against because you have done nothing wrong (based on what you wrote). How can you say "he lied" without sounding petty? It's hard to do because if you display "his laundry" then people will question your motives (ie: trying to hurt him, get even etc)The friends that believe him will only have more validation of what he could have said, and the friends that don't prefer not to be dragged into this mess. My best advice is simple: he sounds like an jerk and you don't need that kind of drama. Move on and be happy that you didn't get married, buy a house, and have kids with the guy. One of the hardest lessons I have learned in life is to not take someone else's ignorance personally.
Drop him and leave him dropped. Don't communicate with her. If after it's been over for 6 months and you still think it'll benefit you then consider sending it but if I read that letter I would be judging the motives of the person who sent it more than the actions of the person in it. After 6 months I think you'll be glad you didn't send it.
Just get rid of him. Staying with someone who cheats is very hard on a person and a relationship. Best if you just stop thinking about him. Or you could do his best friend just to piss him off. (joking)
