I don't know what I'm doing, I dont care...

I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this and expressing my emotions to the people of this forum. I just feel it might help me feel less depressed for a brief moment of time. So I don't really know what i'm doing, or if I am asking a questoin or just commenting, I don't really know much of anything right now. So here are my thoughts:

I do not know what is wrong with me, but I do know something is. I am always feeling depressed, extremely depressed. I have felt this way for many years, probably since middle school (currently I am an undergrad). I just feel worthless and that I have no positive contributions to anybody. I just think that I am no good to anybody, and that the world and general population would be better with out me.

First, I am extremely shy and self concious. I look at myself in the mirror and feel sad because of my physical appearance. I used to have really bad acne, and I just always felt ugly. Now my acne isn't as bad, but I still feel really ugly. Which I think contributes to my shyness. I never want to talk to people because it would draw attention to my ugly face.

Secondly, I have a learning disabilty. I am not sure which kind and I really don't know any of the details. My parents would never talk to me about it because it made me really upset, so they just avoided it. I always had a tutor up until about 6th grade, and then the tutor just kinda left. Though, my freshman year in high school I found a report about me and my disability in my parents office. It wasn't very detailed but it claimed that I had a disability, though required no more outside help?? So I did research on learning disabilities and found out that they are a brain disfunction, and will never be cured. Obviously I still have a disability then. I have come to the conclusion that people with LD don't necessarily learn differently, but slower. So why should I put forth more effort to achieve less success and less intelligence than a normal person?

Thirdly, I never had a girlfriend up until about a few months ago. She is really the first girl that ever seemed interested in me. I love her very much but sometimes I feel that she doesn't feel the same towards me. She claims that she loves me and tells me all the time, but I can't believe her, I just can't belive that she loves me. Most of this is due to her past. Her ex boyfriend and her had sex when she was only 14. She dated him for several years, and needless to say, it was a serious relationship. I know alot about her past, and it really bothers me, a lot. I know of specific examples of when they had sex and how and it really makes me sad. Not only this but she claims that she didn't really have super strong feelings for this guy, and that her feelings for me are much stronger. She claims that this guy was the first person to take interest in her and she liked all the attention, and then he told her that he loved her. She also keeps bringing him up, and it really upsets me. I mean, she wouldn't let me feel her up for months, yet I'm sure they were having sex with in a few weeks. I just don't know what to do, I have talked to her about it several times and it usually repairs the relationship, but then I just feel worse the next time.

There is much more to the above story, I just can't get into right now, things I just can't think about right now.

So those are just some of the feelings that contribute to my overwhelming depression. Now I get to talk about some other things...

Doctors, I can't see them. I do not want to see a doctor for several reasons. I do not feel as though I am worth their time. I don't like doctors, especially psychiatrist. They all seem arrogant and like they know how I feel. Maybe they do and maybe they don't, but they still always act like they know everything. Also, I don't want any medications. If i were to obtain a prescription, then I would need to take the pills for them to work. The problem is I would never take them. I would realize that the pill is going to help me and that it is only hiding my real emotions, and I am not feeling what is really me.

I also feel as though admitting that I am depressed is in some way arrogant. It means that I think I feel sad. What if everybody else out there is feeling just as sad as myself? Can they just handle it better? Who am I to decide how I feel when maybe everybody else expierences the same problems.

Another thing that makes me feel worse...

I am a very fortunate person, I have a family, and I have money, and lots of things. There are some people who don't have half of what I do, yet they probably feel much better than I do. Am I just spoiled or something, i'm not really sure where I am going with this.

so anyways, if you actually read this, then thats cool i guess. feel free to comment or do what ever, dont feel obligated. I don't really know what the hell i am doing, as you can see. I did the best I could at getting my true thoughts into this computer, but I just couldn't do it. I do not know how. I came as close as I could. Im just feeling really suicidal right now and I didn't know what to do. I guess death is an option. Eh, maybe tomorrow.

 

Now i know you may think negatively towards any solutions but i would suggest a few things. Meditation, working out, running, reading, and maybe a little marijuana haha. Im depressed alot of the time dude and ive found that i can normally change my mood with positive thoughts and actions. Its all up to you. good luck

 

dont say marijuana you idiot, it's a depressant.

I'm in a similar boat to you, I just don't have the money or job or (acknowledged) mental disabilities (except for my extremely massive depression). I have been prescribed before for anti-depressants and I stopped taking them for the reason that they make you level... They're supposed to take away the bad in your life, but they take away all the emotions that make life what it is and either way I still end up feeling unhappy.

Positive thoughts are temporary fixes, I want to be normal like everyone else seems to be and not have to take a pill or tell myself that everything is fine.

 

Oh and the side effects of anti-depressants are worth it right?

 

Oh my god, are you like... me in a parallel dimension or something? This is fucked up, how much you sound exactly like me.

Yeah dude, I know exactly where you're coming from. Feeling shy constantly, not even wanting to look in the mirror because of your acne (happens to me all the fucking time), and even being diagnosed with a mental disorder - When I was younger, they thought I had ADD, but with a good diet change, it turned out to be a misdiagnose.

Anyway, I could go on and on but I'd just be repeating what you wrote, because it fits my life to a T. So far, solution wise I've realized it's partly just a choice. I mean, who cares about your acne, social anxiety... whatever's wrong with you, right? Maybe you could try doing what I did - get your mind completely off of the negatives of yourself, and just live. Just live how you want to, dude. It's your life, so make it rock!

Anyways, good luck dude. I think it's just the awkward age of 18, and there's probably millions of teenagers out there facing the same old shit. So keep that in mind, too. Rock on.