Hi, just like to share a short story that i wrote for writers craft class. and feedback would be appreciated. I hadn't had an original idea in years. They expect me to give an idea to save the store by Monday, but i have nothing. Looking arround, I realize that my entire life up to this point had been a waste. Do not be fooled though. The store that I am expected to save is nothing inportant. Just one of the many shops in town that are being run out of business because of the new Walmart. With no ideas and a pounding headache I decide to give up for now. Six months later. With any ideas that I had to save the store failing horribly, we hold our 'Going out of Business Sale'. The first time that we have been able to beat Walmart's prices. Barely. Looking at the employees I see their sorrow through the charade of enthusiasm that they have when approached by a customer. As we close the store for the final time, we say our last goodbyes. One group ends up leaving together, going to a bar. I didn't bother going with them, preferring to deal with my sorrow alone. Stepping outside, I lit a cigarette. It had been three years since I quit smoking, but on a day like today, it was the only thing i could do to even attempt to relax. Im instantly soothed as the smoke enters my lungs, completely aware of the fact that is only a quick fix of my problems but just not caring anymore. The crisp air chills me to the bone as I begin my walk home, thinking that i should have driven to work today. On the way home, I see the bar that the group of employees went to after work. For a second I felt as if i needed a drink, but decided against it as seeing their faces again would make me feel even worse. I finish my cigarette and continue the walk home. "This is the end" I write in my poorly written suicide note. Hanging from my rope. 99 cent price tag still attached. A rollback from $1.30.
Uhhh... first of all, it's never a good idea to have your first sentence in the past tense and then the rest of it in the present tense... it's jarring and makes people think you're not for real. I didn't mind the story, and I know I've written ones that move along too quickly without stopping as well, but it seems like either you didn't have very much to say about this topic, or you're just lazy... I know I can be really lazy about writing as well, but maybe it also has something to do with confidence and not trusting myself enough to explore the possibilities of a given story more in depth. Anyway, it could still work as a beginning... maybe the suicide attempt fails and something else happens???
Anyone who kills himself on account of money is valuing money much too highly. Hell, I don't know where you live (probably in the States since that's where Walmart is mostly located), but there have to be other ways to get by. The main thing I have against Walmart is the Walmart Cheer, which they make their employees do about twice a day, back in the staff room. Presumably if you don't do the cheer every day and do it properly, you're out. Nothing that a good union wouldn't cure.
well, to explain a few things. for the class, we were given the first sentence, and then told to make a story from it. i guess i could have made that all in the past, but i wasnt really thinking. also, we had a word limit on the assignment. and im from ontario. Im not saying that suicide IS the answer, but it makes for a good ending with no loose ends
I think it works better if it's in the present, but now that you don't have to worry about some dumb assignment, you'd do better to change the opening line. I guess I was a bit subtle, but I did like the story... and Wal-mart IS evil-- it's a side effect of being rich and powerful. It would be worth getting into this a bit more... expanding on the details, the characters, the town. It happened in my hometown too!
