Written for a very close friend of mine. underneath the coarse outer layer, she's still the girl i met in late november you can't push her to forget or force her to remember, she's feeling herself fade in another blurry september, every motion is so dislocated, she withheld everything within forced it down with a sip of gin, the rage is shining in her veins try to fill the void that remains, please believe, she's addicted to substance trying to relieve, she's among the walking wounded, but i won't let her be, another casualty despite the casual brutality, she holds in her hands the strained reality, the stress on her flesh the pain afresh, she bleeds it out and withstands another assault, but you know that you're at fault. she was calling out and we were falling out can't be sure of what is left without a doubt, only she knows the severe loss we suffer, a grief as strong as the depth of winter, cold splintering through to the senses crucifying me on these barbed wire fences, and this is my crutch what keeps me believing she will come through in the clutch, hope shattered by lies kept safe behind my teeth, she sees what lies beneath keeps my secrets under her breath, her prayer is repeating itself underneath the other sense muscles tense, i keep her alive hand on her heart, she will survive, you're not getting through, half-heartedly you can't even admit what you do, apologetically i am the hesitation, resolute to understand the touch-and-go salvation i know so well, i've tried to say goodbye a hundred times, but it doesn't change anything, saying goodbye is closing the door but all i want is to throw open another one, we can't play this stupid game anymore standing at the door before, welfare is burned into her shoulders, the result of years burnt away in the sun, trying to forget crimes committed yet to be admitted, i'm just a waste of your time, i won't let her injure herself anymore because i'm doing the same, a violent action standing in the place of harsh words, i can say i'm sorry and suffering without words, and it's not fixing the problem it's only calling forward another one, and i can't make the choice and the only thing keeping me from relapse are these voices, faceless friends calling out, i can't thank you because you aren't here, but know that you give me something to live for, if i die along this road, then i pray my soul to stay whole and less in control, but i've got miles to go, i'm cold but so alive, and her life is failing before my eyes the failure and the prize, and i am falling in between it's only been fifteen, it's all the same after the first fourteen years, start my heart, it's regressing screaming what i should be confessing, the same old story shining in passive glory, past my agression; all i am is passive because i have always been the offender i've never even gotten the chance to surrender, all i'm looking for is the perfect ender, common street waif, fumbling with the twisted image of safety, promises built fool-proof to be broken, running in a constant vicious circle, chained to each other for seventeen years staining my shirt with the blood and the tears, because i've been carrying your cross i am the one who suffers the loss, heart explodes within my chest, fade and flicker, blood seems thicker, how long can i make myself? but it's not your fault, it's never been, get me through this one.
the story in this one is so sad, but i dont think the poem as a whole is as strong as it could be, it drifts a little. the periods at the end of all the lines were distracting for me. the lines that carried the pain and sense of guilt were great though.
Thanks for the comments. I do have a tendancy to drift my focus in my poems, but it's mainly because I want to connect two things and try to center them together. Yeahh, sorry about the punctuation. I am trying to fix it.
one of the things i do if i feel like my poem is drifting is look at it line by line...i ask myself "what image does this line evoke?" and "what does this line do for the rest of the poem (how does it connect/relate)?" then i eliminate extra words and everything explatory ...just suggestions for editing, of course, i'm not trying to say that you need to do this (you just mentioned that you are aware of your drifting tendencies)... and punctuation is looking much better!
very deep. i liked it...i also felt it drifting but i could see where you were trying to connect to points...i tend to do that in a lot of my work as well so that could have been why i picked it up so easily. keep writing you are really good.
