Suicide Note: Final Draft

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Hypocrit, Sep 25, 2007.

  1. Hypocrit

    Hypocrit Member

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    This is the final part of a four part series dealing heavily with acid. I've yet to write pt.1. If I get good review or if people want me to I might post the other parts. Already got alotta comments and revisions but feel free to rip apart anyway.



    these acid ties have perished
    the flame we once sparked now burns us whole
    the gunshot, my dear, was not beautiful
    I am not a martyr, simply another walking corpse

    your back turned, soft eyes turned to the heavens
    you crucified me with your cuddle
    cigarrette burns for tattoos
    they aren't markers of alcohol, they're omens of death

    and when I visitted Oz for the hundreth time
    I realized my miracles were simply accidents
    my sainthood denounced by my pope, my beacon
    my reality, maybe normalcy was best

    you? you're the apostle
    and me? I'm Jesus Christ
    and our love? it was the Bible
    unforgiving and hypocritical
    foreighn and strange

    tonight I set myself ablaze with the effigies
    a smoke signal to future generations
    warning them that this holocaust is not love
    that this pigeon is not a dove
     
  2. Hypocrit

    Hypocrit Member

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  3. dirtydog

    dirtydog Banned

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    Last time I tried to commit suicide, I damn near killed myself.
     
  4. Hypocrit

    Hypocrit Member

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    ... Still not critiques?
     
  5. dezmondzpipe

    dezmondzpipe Member

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    cool, but don't end your life.....end your sorrows
     
  6. *Andy*

    *Andy* Senior Member

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    Cheesy as hell. Cliche after cliche...bleh. If you really are planning on committing suicide I suggest you try writing something less crappy first. But seriously, you aren't going to kill yourself, are you?
     
  7. Hypocrit

    Hypocrit Member

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    ...No.

    How is it cliched?
     
  8. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

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    For me the topic is cliche. I didn't feel like the wording was terribly cliche, so I don't know if Andy was referring to the specific phrases or just the message as a whole.
     
  9. Hypocrit

    Hypocrit Member

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    Well the title is cliched to bits. I just think it'd be great to know what PARTS are cliched. The topic discussed in the poem isn't even suicide.
     
  10. *Andy*

    *Andy* Senior Member

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    I was just being a cynical asshole. Maybe it was the title that got to me. I'm by no means a writer so maybe you should ignore me. Reading it again, it is quite interesting but I guess the style just doesn't appeal to me.
     

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