I'm not looking for advice or anything, but I'm going to EXPLODE with rage if I don't let it out. My mother-in-law moved in with us about 2 weeks ago with her 10 yr old son. I have 4 kids of my own, and while I'm not a hardcore wrath-of-god mama, I do have certain rules for my children to live by....like, no sugary drinks after around 6-7 p.m., you must eat all of your vegetables (or at least to my satisfaction), brush your teeth before bed, yada yada. Not too bad, right? So far, I've been the ONLY one to do any real cooking around here. When I cook, I take the time to make a meal. She has informed me multiple times that her son does not eat veggies or other "gross" stuff, and she picks through my meals and feeds him only the things he wants. I told her the last time she did it that since I was the one who bothered cooking, I would appreciate it if she would make him eat at least a little bit of the "gross" stuff. she just made this half insult/ half joke comment, laughed it off, and continued on. Then last night, we grilled chicken for the kids (I don't eat meat...blegh..) with asparagus (which they picked out and enjoy)....we did this after she said she was cooking for herself tonight....but wouldn't you know, as soon as she smelled food she came in there, saying "what are we having tonight? Roylee, go pull you up a chair and get ready to eat!" And once again, as I was making my children's plates, she was quick to remind me not to give her son any of "that stuff." When I pointed out that we didn't cook for her, my DEAR husband jumped in saying "we don't mind, and we'll cook for you from now on if you just let us know..." WE meaning ME...and no, we won't, dear hubby. My other biggest problem is that we have a toilet that doesn't stop up right, and sometimes it will keep flowing. We've learned to deal with this, and my kids are usually goood about checking it before they leave the bathroom. Well, since ma-in-law's son has a very poor diet of only meat and junkfood, he has a hard time making number 2....and when he finally does apparently it's the size of a fucking train. He clogs the toilet instantly.....and then he doesn't check to make sure the water stops running....clogged toilet+running water=overflowing toilet full of shit/pee water on the floor. This has already happened once, and it leaked from the bathroom into the basement room. There are lots of other little things, like the fact that she lets him bribe her out of brushing his teeth by promising to "do it 2 times tomorrow." As if cavities would wait....but if I took the time to write about all this stuff I'd have a novel. My biggest beef I think though has got to be Ian. He never fails to let me know what whores he thinks my sisters are, or how shitty my brother are, or how evil my parents are, (although my parents are the ones who gave him a place to live when he was jobless for about 5 years...but that's another matter) God FORBID I utter a word of complaint about his family. And the thing is, I have legit things to complain about. He keeps telling me they just need time to adjust, but I don't see how they can 'adjust' if we don't lay down some ground rules. Ian and I have had a steady, friendly relationship on our own. Since we moved out, we have rarely fought, he doesn't stay up all night with junkie asses anymore, we still have money issues but nothing we fight about. All that is starting to fall apart. In just two weeks, we've gone back to bickering at each other constantly. Of course, when this first came up, her moving in and all, it was agreed that she would be living downstairs and not be in my hair. She would be taking care of herself. That can't happen if I'm cooking and cleaning up after her/her boy. I don't mind watching him while she's at work, but after that, I don't think I owe anyone anything. Maybe I am just being a bitch, maybe I'm just nitpicking, whatever. I just don't think I can continue to live in the same house with her unless I am allowed to have my say, and I'm certainly not going to stick around for long if hubby-man continues to make excuses for it. Sorry about the long post, and thanks for reading....
You have my sympathies. Lol, in-laws can absolutely drive you bonkers. Don't get me started on my gf's dad. But it would seem to me that after a year and a half of dating, I could hang out with her later then 10 o'clock at night lol. I know you said you didn't need any advice, but I'm going to give some regardless. First, just relax. Anger RARELY helps situations like this. They tend to escalate them and make them worse. At the end of the day, her kid isn't your responsibility. We all know how defensive and angry parents can get when someone else tries to tell them the "right" way to raise their children. If the cooking thing continues to be a problem though, take control of the situation. For your next meal, make a vegetable stir-fry or something else that consists wholly of that "that stuff." You've made a meal they can eat if they wish. If they don't, they can get their own food, or they can resign themselves to eat it. That should make you feel a little bit better at least. Other then that, have a good talk with your husband. Nobody wants to hear someone else talk smack about their family. That's only natural. You've got to approach it delicately. Let him know why this is so hard for you. Approach it with a, “I know she’s your mother, and I really do (try to) like her, but some of this is just so hard for me.” You could always throw in, “I don’t want to make you choose between your mother and your wife, but I’d like you to at least consider some of my feelings.” Take it slowly. Don’t get angry. Don’t get frustrated. If emotion comes out, make it sad. Other than that, just try to realize the person’s TRUE motivation for what they are doing. It’s usually not to make someone angry.
if the meal thing is that much of a problem, next time she jokes about how she or her kid wont eat your cooking just ask her to fix her own meals (politely and calmly!), saying something like you dont know exactly what she likes and you dont think you need to cook two meals to serve a household, but if each of you wants to share the kitchen to make whatyou both want thats cool
I think I was a little harsh before. For the most part, I like my M-I-L. She's very laid back, and very generous most of the time. My whole issue with this is that I do not want her son's behaviour to rub off on my children. My children have to do light chores and all, While she waits on him hand and foot. He's her decision maker for the most part, and alot of her life revolves around what he does or does not want/like. I am trying to have my children learn a bit about being responsible for themselves and their actions. They see my mini bro-in-law getting pampered and spoiled, and I don't want them to get the impression that his behavior and attitude is okay. I also just don't appreciate being taken advantage of. I already have to cook, clean, and care for a family of 6, and I don't need the extra baggage. So far since she's been here, she's not mopped, vacuumed, dusted, or anything else....though she has done dishes a couple of times....she just started work on Monday, so I understand now, but there was no excuse before. She's got a nasty habit of leaving her trash around the trash can area, or piling trash on an overfull trashbag instead of taking it out. Just last night, I had to wash out our kitchen trash can because it was filthy, and while I was outside working, she left her garbage in the middle of the floor instead of getting a new bag. That is the kind of shit I'm having issues with. Don't get me wrong, I'm no neatfreak myself, and I'm comfortable in my clutter, but I don't generally leave my mess around and expect others to clean up after me. Anyway, this is just my vent, and I do feel a lttle better about it now. Thanks for the ear.
You're your husband's wife and should be put first-no exceptions. He needs to be a man and be your husband in his house-not his mother's son. I would be livid if I got married and my husband put anyone before me. That's unacceptable imo. Every marraige counselor and even the bible says that the covenent of marraige should come before everything, even your children (or in your case your husband's mother and little brother). If I were you I would just make dinner for your kids. Tell your husband that if he wants to please his mother like he is a child then his mother can make him dinner like he is a child and when he is ready to be set things straight and be your husband again he is welcome back in the family dynamic. Basically HELL NO he didn't
well, she finally did it. She has a serious drug problem, and was supposed to go on a field trip to the zoo with her son....she plowed into a school bus full of children (no one was hurt, thankfully) and got herself arrested. she had been taking zanex (sp?) the night before, and had apparently been taking more that morning. The cops got her on DUI-drugs and having perscription meds that weren't hers (I don't know why she thought it would be a good idea to take them with her on a school field trip...)and not only that, but she tried to get out of trouble by telling the cops she was ME. That's right, she tried to give them my name. Not only that, but she also had the nerve to tell me that this would have never happened if I would have gone with her. (at that point though I had no idea what she was charge with except hitting the bus...had I known what she did I would have gone off on her ass.) And to top it all off, her youngest son is now becoming MY responsibility. I'm pissed. Ian has the gall to accuse me of being HAPPY about it.....because I was trying to get shit started, packing up her crap downstairs, or smiling the next day. Excuse me, I thought I was being strong for my husband during what is obviously a trying, emotional time....I won't be making that mistake again. He also thinks I'm over-reacting about her using my name, since nothing came of it. I don't give a shit if nothing came from it, the fact is that if she had it HER way, something would have come from it. Luckily the cops weren't dumb enough to believe her....I guess the part where she tried to tell them she was 25, even though she's really nearly 50 and looks like it, alerted them to the fact that she was trying to pump them full of BS. I know it's his mother, and I'm trying hard to understand what he's going through, but the fact is he sees his mother as a sweet, misguided woman who just got caught in a bad way. I happen to know how manipulative and selfish she is, it's something she would talk about nearly everyday....lying to some random guy to get money or pills, sucking up to another guy for more money or pills.....I just wanna choke her, I really do, she tried to fuck me over, and she's really screwed her children over....all over some selfish bullshit. As much as I love him, and I sorry as I feel for his little brother, I have no love or sympathy for his mother anymore. The fact that she would even attempt to put this on me put a total end to that. She's never gonna get better....sure, she's gonna sit in jail, and cry, and tell everyone she's sorry, but the truth is she's done this before, much worse in fact, but I can't get into all that...if that wasn't enough to make her decide to start acting like a mother, nothing will. All I know is, if she does manage to get herself out of jail somehow, she'd better not show up at my house.
Wow, what a tough situation. I could never deal with it even as long as you have. Somebody would be dead by now (DH, MIL-it's a toss up)-lol. Good luck and stay strong.
I was going to start my normal "be nice and talk woman to woman and come up with a plan" but after the school bus incident....errrr.....halt that. In the long run for her child, it is better that he is under your wings until his Mom can get the help she needs. I know that this is a tough situation, but you have to think about the child involved here....she is a grown up and needs to "have the want" to change....until then, as a mother yourself, it is your job to love the child being dropped in your home : )
She'll need something for the substance abuse and something for her poor decision making process and then something for her life in general....if you just dump her in a drug program, when she gets out....if she still makes poor decisions and continues on this bad path in life, she'll just go back to the drugs.
Like you were saying before, she has to want to change and I don't think she does. I didn't get into her past before because I didn't think it was fair to bring up all of her old stuff, but she's had a drug problem that goes way back. She actually OD'ed a few years ago and was good as dead, she was lucky my husband was there because he found her, called 911, and started CPR. Otherwise it would have been her young son (who I think was 5 or 6 at the time) would have come home from school to find his dead mother slumped in the tub. That particular incident is the worst one, but there are many others. If nearly dying wasn't enough to make her want to change her lifestyle, I'm not sure anything will do it. Now, as far as her youngest son goes, we are doing our best to do what we can for him. He is staying with us for now, but I'm not sure for how long. As callous as it might sound on my part, we are simply not financially able to care for a fifth child the way we should. We already have 4 kids, and it was already a struggle with them. Child welfare has already come out here because they have to run background checks on us to make sure we are "safe" for him to live with, but they also informed me that we cannot recieve financial assistance unless he goes into state custody first, and we become his foster parents....right now we're just his guardians so there's nothing to help us. Not that I'm holding this against him though.....in the same situation I'd like to know my children we going to be okay, so I understand that, but for her to go and do what she did, with absolutely no regard for anyone else, including her own children, pisses me off so much.....this is going to be one of those things it takes a long time to get over for me.
Is there anyone else in the family who is willing and able to take him in? I have seen what foster family situations can do to a kid.....no matter how nice the people are...the kids still feel unwanted.....and then to be tossed around from family to family....oh it makes me feel so sick....
the people who are willing aren't able, and the people who are able aren't willing....go figure. I'm so irritated. my husband is talking about keeping him basically forever, whether or not their mother gets out of jail....the boy is really, really messed up. While I understand where he's coming from, I think this cannot possibly work out. As it is, I will not be able to take my kids out trick-or-treating, because we can't afford 5 costumes, and they don't all fit in our car anyway. I'm worried about christmas, because of the money thing. It's a big deal. My day gets' started at 5 in the morning now, I have to get up, wake up my oldest child to get her to listen out for the others, wake my 18 month old to go with me, and take my husband to work. Then I have to come home, get the baby back in the house, dress and feed the younger 3 (2 of mine, and her son) pack the baby back in the car and take them to school. Then I come back, pick up my 12 yr old, and taker her to the middle school on the other side of town. And then I have to repeat the whole thing every afternoon as well. This cannot keep happening. First off, it's not safe to leave the kids by themselves in the morning or in the afternoon, I don't think they're old enough. But also, it's like my own children are being punished because of her bad, selfish decisions....If I can get her address in jail, I'm gonna write to her and let her know exactly what kind of horrible woman she is, for doing this to her children and her grandchildren.
your writing her and bitching will do no good, ,, the anger you have right now is only hurting yourself at this point,,,, it eats from within you need to find a way to let it go and take a different view of the whole situation,,,, even reading through this thread i can see the bitterness and anger fill as it goes,,,,
I can too, that's the bad thing. I am so angry I can feel it reach a boiling point. You know, it's just that I feel like I have NO ONE on my side. This goes far beyond her just fucking up and hitting a school bus while she was high. It's my entire life, and the lives of everyone involved, turned upside down. It's me, having to raise yet another child, one who smears poo over the bathroom and letting it go in his clothes because his mother cared more about being high than she cared about raising her son. It's my own children not getting to do the things we want them to do because we don't have a big enough car now, or enough money to do it. It's the fact that everyone in his family is unwilling to lend a hand in any way whatsoever, and my husband and I are expected to shoulder this weight entirely on our own. It's also the fact that right now, as we speak, she is sitting there in jail, feeling sorry for herself, thinking about herself, blaming ME for the fact that I didn't want to go with her, not giving a second thought to anyone else involved. In fact, she told us herself to ship her son off to stay with her ex boyfriend, who smokes over $2,000 worth of crack every month. I know that writing to her isn't going to make her care. I know that once I put a letter in the mail, my home won't be covered in happy dancing rainbows of well being....it won't make things better. But, I want her to know that she isn't the only one suffering. She might not want to admit it afterwards, but at least if it's in print, she won't be able to feign ignorance about what she's done. It will at least be good for me, you know? You know, I know how awful I must sound right now....all hateful and resentful, I've got to sound like the world's meanest, uncaring person. And I gotta say, I feel like it too. Everyday I have to smile and act like everything is going well, as good as we can expect, I have to smile for my husband, smile for his brother, and then go to the bathroom and sob my brains out. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I've got way more than I can handle, and nobody to help me out. I can imagine that Ian has enough worries to deal with, and I don't wanna add more to them by voicing my opinions and troubles, so it just builds up until I'm a total wreck, like right now. Just understand that this thread is a place for me to vent....I do not let this out, I don't treat her son badly or differently, and I'm trying not to let it show. This has been a very difficult week, and I'm very overwhelmed with all of my new responsibilities. It's alot to take in all at once. believe it or not, I think I've done very well, given the circumstances. I know that it will eventually get better, one way or another....it's just very hard for me to focus on that right now.
sorry to see you going thru such turmoil right now, , it is difficult and can look at it from several different angles and see why you are in such a dilemna,,, its not easy n although there is truly not much i can do to help yall through the situation , know that luv n energy bein sent your way, and if you ever truly just need somewhere to get a way for a day all of yas or part of yas ,,,,we be in jawja too n always here or just feel feel to holler
you need a way to get out of the house and have some personal time. do you have any siblign sin the area who can help you out? any friends who would be willing to lend a hand?
dilligaf, you have no idea what that means to me....as horrible as I feel right now, I'm half-expecting people to call me out on it, and tell me what a horrible bitch I am. That's how it is here, anyway. Although no one has said anything to me like that, they're all boo-hooing over Debbie, and how miserable she must be right now going through withdrawals in jail....and my first thought? She deserves it. Nobody has even bothered to check on her son, or think about what he's going through right now. All of her pain is self induced....and his is all her fault. If I were to say that though, they would be all over me about it. As far as personal time goes.....I have no friends or relatives in this town. We actually haven't been living here too long, and most of our people are in LaGrange or Atlanta. There are 7 of us now, and our car only fits 5, so dropping them off at a relatives house is out of the question. That's a long ass, illegal ride. And asking his folks to help is like asking them for a blood sacrifice....It's easy for them to talk about what we need to do, or should be doing, but yet not a damn one of them will offer to help out. Right now, I think I'm just gonna wait and hope to god his father comes to get him. His pop is in boston, and even though Ian doesn't want him to live with his dad, I think it's probably in everyone's best interest. But he's saying that the earliest he'd be able to do anything would be january.
