nah. you don't seem like a negative person. sometimes you are too positive though...like positive to the point that you seem to have a veil of naivety. i on the other hand accept that a big part of the time i am a dark and negative fuck. only thing that makes me out of the ordinary positive is the hardcore uppers. hahaha
There's a lot going on in my head at all times. The images in my mind, especially when I trip, are not always what I'd call positive. Hell man, it's no Strawberry Fields forever in there. I go through some anger, misery, self loathing and extreme paranoia just like you and the rest. I've felt like I was in the backseat of my mind in a straitjacket on trips...the horror that is within me is very real, always was, but these experiences have allowed me to get to know it. And matter how awful it's gotten for me, I know that a low point just means that I'm due to rocket up. It's all cycles, so I can't get too bummed for too long. And it's not like I avoid feeling bad to try to fit some kinda archetype or anything. When I try to feel sad about external events and misfortune, I just feel insincere, but when it's in me that I can't help it, I can get very negative of course. But yeah, I can feel the toll these lessons leave. We all seek the fountain of knowledge, but who's willing to give up their eye, right? It's a heavy cost to pay for knowledge, especially when what I really want is love, and so I think I'm taking some time off soon too. For now on, I want to do it at festivals, where the vibes are irresistibly good, or at least in the country, in quiet solitude surrounded by the beauty of nature. But I can definitely understand needing to take a break, or even to say "I'm done!" because there's more to life than acid or any other kind of drug. There's love, sacrificing for people you like, and hell man even just going out to win the girls, or whatever else you feel like doing. It's all important as long as it's meaningful to you.
"even just going out to win the girls" - the way you put it, women are just a game you play to win the object of the pretty cockpit. I agree, its all a mathematically calculating game. The winner gets to trick themselves into thinking that the chemical reactions which are exciting your body and mind are some sort of accomplishment.
Isn't it all a game. Even the acquisition of knowledge, even enlightenment? I'm not about to knock anyone's game, even if I consider it materialistic or shallow or whatever. It's all part of the greater whole, we all have our own goals we set, whether consciously or not, so why should we be so cynical about our own desires and the desires of others? Why make it so hard to have a good time? I want to stop psychologically beating myself up though. By this point, I've hurt myself way more than anyone I've ever met. So that's the goal right now for me.
ive done 10 hits before and said i'd never do it again, then i dosed 4 a few days afterwards lol. ive yet to do 10 hits again, although i was close to doing it yesterday i decided not to. i think 2-4 is all id ever do again.
