Pushing Someone Away

I'm so afraid to let myself fully love someone and just when I feel vulnerable I lash out and pick fights. I never realize what I do until I do it... then I'm like "Damn, what the hell am I thinking... why the hell would I do that".

What makes it worse.... I have too much pride to say I'm sorry... and I pretend that nothing happen, and they hate me.

 

pride is expensive, sometimes necessary, but often obstructive.

it seems a common thing to be to proud to back down, to not accept the need for discussion and let ourselves be ruled by a sense of injustice... but then again the way i often am with relationships is just as damaging - i end up apologising for things that aren't my fault and have talked myself into so many emotionally abusive relationships in the past (both romantic, sexual and friendship) that i ended up not having any self esteem for the longest time (and i realise how ironic the amount of times i have used the word i is in this post) and i gave up on finding any meaningful relationships whether friends or lovers.

the important thing as always in life is balance. we all have standards and we all have principles and pride and expectations, but we should always be prepared to negotiate when life throws us something different.

i think it was lao tzu who said something like the unbending hard wooded trees will stand and grow forever in a perfect environment, but a tree that is pliable and willing to bend with the wind and rain will outlast it each and every time in reality.

 

i freequently WISH to "push people away", just so i can get anything done. i don't mean to wish anyone unhappiness, but there's just less gratification for me, in most human company, most of the time, then in creating or exploring, alone.

i don't NEED human companionship emotionally, nearly as much as i need that gratification that i am usually able to attain only in the absence of it.

i don't hate people, or even not like or love them, i just happen to have just as deep an emotional need for the kinds of creating and exploring that requires not being distracted by the presence of others, as many, perhapse most people seem to have, for company and companionship.

huggs are welcom. being prevented all day from doing anything else, is not.

for me this isn't about pride, or trying to impress anyone, but what my emotional needs actually are. i'm sorry more people can't seem to understand that. i wish everyone could.

=^^=
.../\...

 

i do tend to push people away, but no one's ever cared for me so i'm not sure how i'd react to that

 

sooner or later, almost inevitably someone will. generally the day or two after we stop giving a dam whether anyone ever actually will or not. i'm not sure how or why or what makes that some kind of invisible magnet or even if it does, but it's been my experience that it some how seems to.

=^^=
.../\...

 

You know...I don’t even think about it.

I tend to not take people too seriously anyway.

 

I doubt that. I don't think it's humanly possible but I am an optimist.

 

the major difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist is right most of the time.

 

this is one of those extremely rare cases where i'd rather be wrong, but it's unlikely

 

being wrong is just a state of mind.