19 year old son - failure to launch?

Hi,
This is actually my first post.
I could use some insight.
My son is 19 years old and seems to be stagnating. He did very well in high school academically, but then made the decision to take a year off before going on to college. Here we are now 1 1/2 years later and he has still done nothing to move towards adulthood. He does have a minimum wage part time job, but it's far from enough to pay rent. He's been unmotivated to even get a driver's license even though his father and I offered to give him $4000 towards a car.
Sometimes I wonder if I am expecting too much from him at this age or if I'm not expecting enough and up until now we've been on the same page, now that we are at odds I am unsure of myself.
He is completely different than me and my husband, we both flew out of the nest as soon as we graduated from high school. Disappeared on tour with The Dead etc. Our son is a complete home body. Hardly ever goes out socially, he prefers to just hang at home with his girlfriend.
I would love some clarity if you have the time to spare.

 

I can't really help ya out ...

But if your not giving him the money for the car ... Could I get it?

 

welcome to 2007. hes just doing what the majority of kids his age do..

my advice,, if you want him to change, force it.. sounds to me like its time for tough love..

i assume hes living at home?? start by charging him 125 bucks a week for room and board.. if he says he cant afford it,tell him he has 3 options,go back to school full time,or he has 30 days to find another place to live that he can afford or get a job that will allow him to pay you the room and board he is obligated to pay..

hes not a child anymore.

its on you and you alone to quit enabling him..as long as you allow his actions to continue they will..

i will be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding my philosophy.

 

Maannn, I wish we had enough to go around to every one! (lol)

 

Deep down I think that I am enabling and that it's not just a maturity issue.
Getting away from me would probably be the best thing for him.

 

then be the adult and lay down the law..

and trust me,, in my opinion he does need to be shocked into reality.. and what i suggested is just the ticket...

 

I wonder what's so different "today" than when we were coming of age? None of our (me or husbands) friends continued to live at home. I just don't get it.

 

and trust me,, in my opinion he does need to be shocked into reality.. and what i suggested is just the ticket...[/QUOTE]
Have you been in this situation with one of your children?

 

well not exactly... however,i feel i am very experienced with the youth of today. see, for the last 16 years or so we been opening our farm up to kidz from all walks of life. some on the road,some in college,some just in limbo like your son..

and to be quite honest,thats what most of them need to motivate,,they need to be between a rock and a hard place before they will make a decision for themselves..

as far as what has changed?? beats the fuck outta me, i left home at 15,spent 7 years on the road came back to the area and started my life. ive never mooched off noone,specially not my family..

hell send him to stay with us for a month,, he will be glad to do what ya wish him to after that.. lol

 

I might just take you up on the offer.
Where are you?

 

if you do get the gumption to lay down the law,its gonna be one of the hardest things youve ever done.. just remember why your doing it.. you know its for the best,,even if he doesnt..

love n light

 

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes emotions tend to cloud my judgement.

 

sounds like you kinda solved this already...
hippyhillbilly is right, almost everyone in their last teens and early 20's these days are staying at home. I personally couldn't wait to get out, and I did when I was 17. But there are a bunch of people I went to high school with who are in their early to mid 20's and are still at home with mommy and daddy. It's mind boggling, really. I don't get it myself, but I think a big part of it is that these people's parents aren't doing anything to push them to get on with their lives. They are still living back in high school days.
I have seen better results come out when parents tell their kids that they either need to work full time and pay rent, or go to school. Once he turned 18, you are not obligated to support him anymore.
Good luck with whatever happens

 

Well the cost of living IS insane here (Virginia Beach) and the jobs don't pay shit. You can't rent an apartment for less than $900-$1000 and I know that's intimidating, it would be for me.
I think hillbilly is right though I hate to go there.

 

I've gotta agree with HHB here. We are the parents of four teenagers, well the oldest is 20, and seeing this lay on your ass at the expense of your parents trend, we made it a point to point out early on that this wasn't going to happen at our house. We've been joking for years with the saying, "Remember, check out time is 18!"

Cstanding I just don't get it either. I was out of the house and on my own as quick as possible, on dead tour myself. I personally know of at least a dozen of these cases among friends and co-workers.

 

well it seems to me if rent is that expensive there then 125 or 150 bucks a week for room and board there would be a bargain..

and while rent may be high there,he's 19 theres nothing stopping him from relocating elsewhere.

If he was smart hed here his options,go right back in school,get his D.L. take yall up on the car and ride it out a couple more years.. however noone said kidz these days always make the right decisions.

The main thing is that you are going to have to force him to make a decision one way or another..or it will remain the same..

wouldnt ya just love to see him an his girl friend sittin on your couch 10 years from now?? dont laugh,it happens.

 

wouldnt ya just love to see him an his girl friend sittin on your couch 10 years from now?? dont laugh,it happens.


OH, HELLLLL NOOO!!!!!
I know y'all are right. I think I'm afraid of messing up my relationship with my son and, of couse those maternal instincts are a tough one to reckon with. I know they are not rational though at this point.

 

your all right. Todays society is lazy.


Give him option A B C sit down have a discussion w/ him.
Either school Education
B / Get off the butt hes sitting on and make the money so he can pay for the food hes eating and the rent

or C/
Save up so he can get his own place and for the car hes going to be driving.

Tough love is hard but it has to be in effect some place in life right. If you never show it any child will walk al over the parent.

Furthermore.. if theres no contribution how much further in toi debt are you willing to go for your child? Whos now 19 y/o who can take life into his own hands?

 

I know it's not always the case, but it seems those maternal instincts may be tougher to get by than the paternal. In the case of our number two son, who was given an ultimatum at 17 to follow the rules or get out, it was my wife who insisted on just one more last chance....just one more last chance....just one more last chance. Her actually finally sticking to the ultimatum, as hard as it was, was the tough love that our son needed. After two months sofa surfing and sleeping in friends cars he returned home a new man with new respect.

 

I've got to agree with what's already been said. I don't have any kiddos myself, but I was only in that place myself a few years ago. As far as the school issue goes, I do firmly believe that either before college, or before declaring a major, everyone should take a break and live in the "real world" as a grown-up for a while. Things change when you do, and he might find out he's an altogether different person than he thought. Obviously something needs to change. What with your background (you mentioned Dead tour...) living on his own might just be the nudge he needs to want to live irresponsibly for a while, out on the road, see some new things. Or it might do the opposite and get him to buckle down.

Good luck, whatever you do make sure he knows that you're there for him if he needs it, and prepare yourself for the shock of being a much smaller part of his adult life! I know that as happy and proud as my folks are of us, there's always a part of them that wishes they could always know what we're up to!