put your hands on me, i am shaking, wanting to flee, i can't feel myself, not anymore, are my tendons torn? and are my plates seperated? am i wishing i was never born? am i saying my life was so overrated? how could i? tell this terrible lie, and you can have me if you want, even though my smile has lost it's daunt, sitting still in the rubble, the pain is double, cause i'm the only one, oh, the only one alive, and i don't even remember the crash, and the screaming it seemed to lash, this burning spiral going down, hit the ground, they're everything, lying around, death so near to me, oh, it's whispering, "can you feel your bones?" i can hear my moans, but i'm so numb, i can barely breath, but i'm alive, in the wake of the tragedy, no one has even come upon me, can't they smell the fire? the destruction? the golden field destroyed by blood, oh here i am, asleep in the mud and my own blood, does it pain you? does it scar your mind? it makes me wish i was blind, the fear is paralyzing, and it's got me in such a body bind, how could i? destroy something so perfect, these memories i collect, they deserved to live, they deserved all life could give, why me? if anybody, i should have layed down my life, tried harder, fought faster, the blood stains, the pain wanes, but only for a second, the end beckoned, called my name, but i was so ashamed, i could not bring myself to join them, and i lay in the afterglow of the light, the flight of beginning night, i stumble, my bones willing to crumble, and He speaks to me, "my child, why must you run? i will fix what is undone, look at you, your breaking down, falling all around, but i call to you anew, my love is forever, i will leave you never." and it's hard to believe, that someone could love, someone could rise above, to not think of, this beat and broken, lying and dying, heart and soul, oh, i'm trying, on every word, i'm living and dying, i hit the ground, and cough and splutter, my words stutter, i close my eyes, and dream of lives lost, oh, what this crash has cost.
this was very intense to read, I almost cried reading it. It flows really well and I dont know, it perfectly fit the state Im in and I kinda magically got out of it (maybe your words help?)
yeahh. My poems tend to be on the more intense and sad side. I'm really glad you liked it and it's almost flattering to hear you say that it almost made you cry because crying isn't something you do over just everything. haha. Well I'm glad to be of help to your situation because I write mostly to try to understand myself and others.
pretty good it had a really impacting ending, but I found the opening to be a tad bland, and the questions to be a bit emotionless at some point it felt there could have been a little more description especially sensory details
What Duck said... adding some imagery could strengthen it. It is a very good poem. It does need some images. So asking yourself throughout the poem by thinking... "like" what? For example... "I'm so numb". Numb like what? "tried harder/fought faster"... tried harder like a??? fought faster than a ???? Sometimes I wonder what images I could tie in throughout so there is consistency in the images that can act like coordinates to orient the reader... so for a crash... it could be a marching band imagery thing (fatigue from marching, loud noises, drums, symbols clanking, etc.) - okay that was a stretch... perhaps... an earthquake... (shaking/falling/shifting earth...)... numb like the aftermath of an earthquake.(??) Again, I'm not sure, just some thoughts about how I go about adding imagery to poems - hope it was helpful.
sometimes a good technique can be to do what she said, think of something you can compare an event/feeling as and then describe the event/feeling as if it were your second thing so instead of: 'the crash shook me like an earthquake' 'the crash rattled the earth and tore it open' most of all waht helps though, practice
