the hell?? opinions please

So, basically every once in a while I get in this weird state where I wonder if Im gay or bi or something. I don't feel completely disgusted by men if I imagine them that way, but not completely aroused either. Its a sort of ambiguous feeling. I am not a homophobe, but I start checking every gay scenario to see if I get turned on and I think being used and abused is like somehow a slight turn on for me (and I was molested as a kid) But it doesn't feel good...its hard to explain. But anyway, I have started to tell myself, OKAY I might be gay and thats fine, Ill just go ahead and be gay then, but I tell myself that no matter what I am, I do not want to relive the abuse experience and I will never allow myself to be abused in this way as it is very psychologically painful and self-degrading. As soon as I get calm like this, feeling okay about being gay (although Ive been straight up til this point) I end up regaining all my attraction to women and losing all attraction to men...Then I feel good, because I feel like myself. But then I say "this isnt right...what about when I get turned on thinking about being abused by a man? I must be gay somehow." And I keep going back and forth in this vicious cycle, and I can't persue a relationship or even casual dating comfortably in this state.
I know this sounds strange, and it really sucks that my sexuality has gotten this fucked up ((I used to be pretty normal(for me, no offense to anyone. Honestly I would be fine with being gay if thats what is going on here)) and really horny for girls,etc..)) So what do you think is going on with me?? Should I just forget this whole abuse thing, because I would never put myself in that situation EVER. Should I just become a monk because I don't want to hurt any of my future love interests feelings because of my own issues and confusion. where do I stand? what can be done??
Thanks for your input

 

thanks everyone. You are very helpful. Im taking a vow of celibacy

 

Deleted By GLENGLEN 22nd Oct 07.

 

Alright thanks Glen, but that really doesn't adress the issue in my original post much at all. And I don't enjoy bubbly or hittin the town.

 

theres at least a couple of issues going on here, first of all have you given yourself time to really work through your childhood abuse issues?
A lot of people who have been abused will enter adulthood being very confused about their sexuality, I actually suspect you are not gay, in this case and that this is actually a way that you are trying to work through the trauma you have been through.

I strongly suggest that if your not in some kind of therapy that you seek some, when you start to work through your childhood your sexuality will become more clear.

the other thing is, there are heterasexual men that get turned on by being dominated and demasculinated, these men will often seek out a mistress, you may be one of these men, however whats clouding up this issue is again the abuse, work through that, then your sexuality should become more clear
S

 

is your answer to everything 'go and have a drink and get some sex' because seriously next time you give someone advice about there sexuality you might want to take note if the person mentions 4 or 5 times that they where abused as a child
S

 

Hi Samhain....My Response Was Not To His First Post??????...But Was A Humurous....Lighthearted...Reply To His Second Post, Regarding "Celibacy", I Even Included The "Quote Box" To Ensure My Reply Would Not Be Misunderstood By Him.......I Would Never Attempt To Answer Any Of The Subjects Broached By Him In His First Post In A Humurous Way !!!!! I'm Sorry If You Misinterpreted My Intentions....Cheers Glen.

 

Samhain,
Thanks so much for your reply. I REALLY appreciate an honest answer from someone who seems to be very caring. I think I have the courage to work through this. Thanks, honestly.

Glen, I know you were only kidding around and nothing wrong with a little lightheartedness with regards to a heavy matter every once in a while.

 

i doubt youre gay. if you were, youd get intense boners and stuff and just think like "oh my god i want to fuck that" the same way you do when you look at a girls ass and you havent jacked for 2 weeks. you wouldnt be getting weak confusing feelings. theyd be clear and strong. kind of primal.

 

i was molested at 14, pressured into sex and stuff with my ex, even smacked around a bit. i'm JUST like you-i'm clearly bi, but every now and then im convinced im gay. then i think "no....i'm turned on by him and him,too..." it IS confusing. but i'm working through it all.
and about the fantasies (or being turned on, i should say) of "being abused"-after my sexual assault, my fetish for that skyrocketed. it kinda turned me onto it all.
(but, ask me if i'm turned on in the least bit by my ordeal and you'll regret asking me that).
it's normal, im going thru the EXACT same thing- if you wanna talk, Pm me hon.

 

Wha23,
I totally agree with Sam. I'm new to this site, in fact I just joined to respond to this thread. But I will be back later for other chats. Right now my advice to you is to seek help. Whether you're gay or not is not the issue here. You've experienced a sexual trauma. If it were a physical trauma you'd be in an emergency room or doctor's office getting treated. This is something that needs to be treated. If you can't afford counciling, or you don't want to talk to your personal physician, then look up mental health in the phone book. There are many free services available. Give yourself time to heal. Don't go out and get drunk and laid.... you're in a very vulnerable place right now and sorry to say, the world... yes the gay world as well, is full of predators. If your leg were broken you wouldn't run a marathon. A part of your sexual psyche is broken, now is NOT the time to engage in sexual athletics of either kind...gay or straight. By being turned on by the thought of abuse you're probably trying to confront this in a way that you feel you're controlling. Even for someone without these issues, this kind of sex play (BD/SM) takes some skill to navigate appropriately. Please get yourself well. Then if indeed you're on our team....Welcome!!

 

hey what's up??
I agree with the advice.I relate in my own way to what you said.I'd try to work it out slowly and calmly.I would try not to engage sexually right now it's just to much to handle.Take some time for yourself.As was said there are predators out there too,hang on to yourself and know you're doing what you need for you.I think you may have some bi tendencies (I may be wrong of course)but it sounds like you're trying to work out your issues,you really need help to do it.Counceling is you're best bet.I went through a similiar thing,.Am I bi,gay,bi-curious whatever lol.It's real confusing.I came to the conclusion I'm bi.That's after doing alot of soul searching.I still get a little frightened of the whole thing.I'm getting through it.So whatever you have to do,you'll get thru it too.It's a crazy roller-coaster ride.Address the issues calmly and slowly.It's not time for sex lmao,that's not gonna be helpful.
Also there's alot of other things people get turned on by,other than sex..It's not only sex that people look at in determining their sexual prefrence.There's more to consider than just sex here
I would'nt worry much about that now.I'd concentrate on the abuse issues.Keep focus on that,work that out and it will be clear at least alot clearer than it was.That's the most important thing right now.

Good luck,be well.
J