Apathy

first thing ive written in quite a while. i don't think it's too good...what do you guys think?

apathetic nothingness washes over
nothing matters
i feel no pain, i feel no happiness
i care for nothing
like being dead, while watching life
too much to remember
but the emotions all gone
cant get the strength to do anything
i stare into the distance.........

they ask whats the matter
i say nothing
nothing registers in my mind
worth caring about
how long will it go on
stretching, endless, raving, madness,
all wrapped up in
one unfeeling package
of dispassionate apathy.

 

i know the feeling quite well...i think this is great...you write so much better than me.

 

thats not true...
i dont write better then you.

 

eh...we write about the same...but most of your work flows better than mine

 

try this next time. instead of describing how you feel, show the reader through a situation which amplifies the feeling and try to make the reader feel the same.

you have an impressive vocabulary and if you keep writting you will get very very good

 

^thank you

 

Start by discarding every cliche you have ever heard. This includes all teh referances to nothingness and blackness and darkness and typical apathy. Give us new eyes to an old circumstance.

 

^thanks for the tip

 

I agree - the poem has a lot of cliches. Also, the imagery is weak, especially with all of the punctuation blips. It's a good start, but I would like to see it hashed out more with some unique imagery and poignant use of proper punctuation (like all the "p"s?). It's a good start.

 

^thanks

 

I don't see the punctuation (or lack thereof) being a problem...I don't think that's really the issue with it at all.