How do you know the one you love is the one you should be with? what are some things that you consider to be non-negotiable, If you are in a relationship and you believe it is going to last you for ...oh say the rest of your life , how do you know? I am asking because I am currently in a relationship that has been going on for almost two years, and in the last five months he has started sporadically being abusive. Oh yes I am sure that there are those of you out there that believe abuse is not something anybody should put up with but I am asking you to seriously consider the possibility that the person you love has this flaw.. but it doesn't reveal itself until you are deep into the relationship. First it starts out as a night thing... and you try not to jump too quickly into the "I'm leaving you " bit because you know times are extremely stressful for your loved one, then before you know it a few months have gone by and this sporadic, not every night but oh too often event keeps happening. I am not trying to say that I am use to it but it really is the only bad part of our relationship or was now I do believe it is affecting other parts.. (bedroom parts) How long would you let it go.. what kinds of things would you try? And how am I suppose to know whether or not this man I love is really the one? Help please ... ask questions give advice anything would be appreciated at this point Thank you.
i wouldn't let abuse go for a minute. my most non-negotiable non-negotiable is that i must be treated with respect. stand up for youself. don't make idle threats. at the very least, tell him if it happens again, even just once, it's over. if it doesn't stop, kick his ass out or leave. if you aren't willing to back up your words with action, he won't respect you or listen to what you're saying or believe you. you should work out your escape plan beforehand...a place where you can stay if he blows up. you could try requiring him to attend an anger management class as a condition of living with him, but this doesn't usually work. the thing you need to realize is that you're not helping him by staying in this relationship. you're helping create a monster, and i'm sure he doesn't really want to be a monster any more than you want him to be one. he needs a reality check...corrective feedback...to get him back on the right track. you need to do this just as much for his sake as for your own.
well thank you for responding and thank you for your opinion... the only problem with telling him that I'll leave is I have no place to go.. I don't want to make idle threats
then you need to create a place to go. have you checked into nearby shelters? a lot of communities have shelters for women in your situation. places where you can live while you get on your feet. they'll help you find a job if you need it, and a place to live when you can afford it. they will keep confidentiality and they know how to deal with dangerous, angry people. call your local crisis line and they will hook you up.
Some more answers to this question would be nice How do you know the one you love is the one you should be with?
in your situation, how you'd know hed be the right one for you, would be by seeing him commit 100% to improving & never letting the abuse happen again, wether therapy, anger management classs, quitting a stresssful job thats causing it, whatever it takes to stop the sporaic abuse before it becomes daily abuse & yes, you need to make it very clear that you will not standfor it any longer, & havea plan in place, wether its ashelter, a freind, or family member, you need to knowwhere you'd go, & be ready to if things dont work out. otherwise what do u got? youd be trapped...trapped with someone who knows it wont matter if he hit u, u had nowhere else to go, u wont leave.. a better alternative to a shelter..a commune..most have a few week visiting period, & a few weeks escape may show your serius but do research 1st into them, so u know which 1 youd feel safest & most confy in, talk tothem, get a feel for it & find out if u could just show up at a momments notice.. even setting aside funds to get away maybeenough to scare him into doing what hes gottado to fix things how do u knowwhen someones right for you? when theyre willing to do anything to make sure that your 100% happy & feeling secure & safe
Thanks for the advice soaringeagle! I have talked to him about this and I think it has had a real affect so far. but one question, what is a commune?
Abuse is definitely a deal breaker. No one should be treated that way, I mean no one! It doesn't matter who's doing it, if he loves and respects you then he would not try to control and abuse you, its as simple as that. Maybe maybe maybe he just needs a reality check and since you've talked to him you can see what happens. But if it continues, it will only get worse and you will be more afraid to get out of the relationship. I know sometimes its hard to leave someone you love but if they aren't treating you with respect then its not worth staying. It will be hard but you will be okay... I hope everything works out though one way or another. And just for an example, I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 3 years, and since he was my first and I was younger it was really hard for me to leave. But I am SO glad I did, if I was stuck with him then my life would be absolutely miserable. Do whats right for YOU, take care of yourself. Good luck!
Anyone who loves you would never abuse you. After being with my fiance who has never called me a name or even told me to shut-up I realize how horribley abusive my past relationships were and I feel a bit skanky and worthless at times for allowing myself to stay in them when I could have been with someone all along who treated me right. Trust me...any real man doesn't have to be abusive in the slightest to his s/o. Dump him and find someone who will treat you right.
