So here's the deal. About three and a half years ago I was in a party at a friend's house and there I met this guy, Sebastian. We started talking and almost immediately I knew there was something special between us. His dark brown eyes totally blew me away and his whole character was just so fascinating... I have no idea how I got home that night because my mind was somewhere in seventh heaven. Sebastian called me the next day and we met and soon after that we became friends. And not just friends, but the best of friends. There was always something more between us than just friendship and we both knew that, but we never talked about it. Mainly, because back then I was with someone else and so was he. Those were confusing times. I knew in my heart that Sebastian was the one I wanted to be with, but I didn't have the courage - or whatever - to tell him that. At least not in so many words. Then five months later, when we were both single again, things changed. One day when Sebastian had just left my flat, I noticed that he had written I love you in the mirror with a lipstick (yeah, kinda corny, but oh so sweet). That's how we got together - for the first time. For a few months everything was beautiful, we were in love with each other and with the feeling of being in love. I was 16 back then (he was two years older, 18) and he was my first true love. But of course, the happiness didn't last. When Sebastian and I first met, he told me about his desire to move to USA to surf. He had been surfing most of his life and in USA he could consentrate on it fully. I knew he was going to move there, but I had no idea when. So, after falling in love with him and spending the two best months of my life so far, it was quite a shock when he told me that he was leaving to USA and spend a year there. When I heard those words, it felt like someone had just hit me so hard that all the air had escaped from my lungs. The pain was paralyzing. To make the long story a bit shorter... He left. We had decided that we would keep in contact and that after he'd come back, we'd meet and who knows what would happen. That year seemed to last forever. Almost every day we'd talk on the phone and after the phone calls I would cry my eyes out. I missed him so much it hurt physically. It's a miracle I survived that year. I did try my best to consentrate on the good things in my life, friends and stuff, but all the time i was still missing my love. It felt like a part of me was missing. But then, after a year, he came back. It was almost like he had never left at all. Everything was so beautiful and wonderful again and we loved each other more than ever. We talked about our future together. We were sure we'd be together forever. But then last summer, after spending almost 18 blissful months together, everything started to go wrong. We still loved each other to death, but we didn't seem to get along at all anymore. We would fight constantly over the smallest of things. Everything went wrong for us. So finally I saw no other option than to break up with him. This happened last autumn. After that everything was a mess. We were riding on an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes we thought about getting back together and sometimes... we didn't even talk to each other coz we'd always end up fighting. He and I both started dating other people. I had fun with lots of different guys, but every time things started to get more serious I would freak out and end the relationship. Too often I ended up hurting these guys as well as myself. Then this spring me and Sebastian started to get closer again. We would talk for hours about all kinds of things. That was always so great in our relationship that we could talk about everything and nothing and now it almost felt like we were together again. We even talked about the option of getting back together again, but everytime we got to the topic... everything somehow seemed to go wrong. We both grew pretty frustrated and then just stopped talking about that. We were close friends but that was all. Maybe a few months ago he then told me that he'd be moving again to a different country - different continent to be exact. I had seen that coming so it didn't really surprise me on a rational level, but on an emotional level... It broke my heart. Again. After hearing that from him, our relationship changed again. I knew it would be easier for me AND him, if we'd keep some distance from each other but it didn't quite work out like that. We grew closer and closer again and all those feelings I had felt for him came came rushing back. I realized I am still in love with him and that he's the only guy I ever really want to be with. And the tragicomic part is that he feels the same way about me. But I guess it was all too late now, because no matter how we tried to think things over and no matter how much we cried and tried to rationalize things... We didn't find any solution for us. And so he left. And now I'm here, alone, feeling so lost. A part of me is missing again and I have no idea if I will ever get it back. I have no idea how my life is going to be from now on. It's a sad moment when you realize you are so dependant on someone that you can't even imagine your life without him. All I want is for him to be happy and I know he'll be happy when he has the chance to do what he loves (surfing) and on some level I am happy for him. But he also loves me, so why is it so impossible for him to be happy here with me? And since I love him, why is it so hard for me to commit myself to him in a way that would make it possible for us to be together? We love each other, what more do we need? That is something I will never ever understand. Why is our love not enough?! Now I've lost the only person I have ever loved. The person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Sebastian and I are like soulmates, we are so much alike and we complete each other so well. He knows what I think and how I feel just by looking in my eyes. It's crazy, but we connect on so many levels and I know it can never happen to me with anyone else. We are perfect for each other. What more do could we possibly need? The thought of living my life without him is just too much to handle... The pain is so paralyzing that I sometimes feel like I'm seriously gonna die. Sorry for ranting, I just had to get this out of my chest.
Phew.... Wow..girl, you are strong to have survived all of this! I would've broken down and disappeared with the wind. I hope everything works out for the best between you guys~
The way you talk about your love sounds how I talk about mine...how you can only see yourself with him and your connection is so deep...and how it hurts physically to be away from him. I know how you feel. As hopeless as it might seem now, I do think you can work this out. If the love is there, and he's your true soulmate and the one you want to be with forever...there is a way to work this out. Can you not have a long-distance relationship? My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship (for about a year and 7 months)...and it's really fucking hard, but we work it out because we know we're meant for each other. We talk every day...either on the phone or online. And...when we DO see each other, it makes it that more special and passionate. So I guess what I'm saying is don't give up hope. You seem like you really want this guy, and that you feel certain you two are meant to be together. Don't let something like distance stand in the way. There's always a way to work something out. Good luck with it all...I think it'll all be alright...
johanna, there isn't really much i can do or say to make your pain go away if there was, i would...love hurts, but it will prevail if you both really feel this way, is there any way you can be together?
All i can say is that everyone will hurt differently in different ways and in different situations. I honesly feel really sorry for you both. It sounds like you both are trying to live two different lifes apart from each other, yet just both want one simple life together! Long distance can work out if you both put the effort in and both want it, but i can honestly say its never the same as actually being together and closer together. To be honest, at the ages you both are at, its possible for both of you two to just say bollox to everything else, and just be together. Both move out, get jobs, and get a place together. Although thats easier said than done, its possible no matter who you are. But the fact of the matter each, you love him, he loves you, and if you both feel you are made for each other, then surely nothing can keep you apart? Not even thousands of miles accross the world. Whatever happens i'm sure it will be hard to cope with and will be tough but it sounds like you have a strong heart and good faith so just hang in there. Imagine all the good times you've had together, and the good times you can still have together! I wish you two the best of luck and let us know how things go! Take care!
As much as I hate to say this, sometimes things conspire against us, and as a result some relationships are just doomed to failure. It seems like you loved him very much, and I think you will continue to love him, but as you said yourself, things kept going wrong, and I don't think that a relationship built on that type of foundation can ever work. Lets just hope that you can find some love in the future I'm sure that you will.
Frankly, this seems to me a case of soulmates coming together at a time when one or the other isn't ready for a relationship. You are both so young still. When I used to work at a matchmaking service we didn't even bother with men under 30, as they weren't usually serious enough to actually pay after the free consultation. I'm not saying that means that men under 30 aren't ready for a relationship, it's just that people need more time to find out who they are before they are ready to commit to the person they plan to spend the rest of their life with, and sometimes it takes men longer. Why are men always so infernally unsatisfied with their lives, I'll never know. I did read once that the most successful, long lasting relationships were amoung people who spent around 3-4 months away from each other a year. That sort of goes with what they say about relationships in the Celestine Prophesy; you have to get energy from outside yourselves to bring into the relationship... but I blather on. Get on your dancing shoes and go out and party. Your a free woman, enjoy it while it lasts
Hmm..i don`t really understand why he went, if he loves you. And i also don`t get how this doesn`t make you hate him ..he tore you two apart - it was destined to turn to shit, if he was/is just gonna leave. I`m sorry for your pain and loss, i too have been through so much ..and i know it sucks..
^^--I'm with her, I mean, I can understand that people are changing and figuring out what they want to do with their lives; but if you're in a relationship with someone, that's a commitment too. At least it is in my eyes. Really sorry to hear that you're in one of those downward spirals. I've ridden it before and that heartbreak was among the worst things I've ever experienced. Now I'm over it though, and I couldn't be much happier. I'd even say I'm willing to take a chance on someone else should they show up, and I definitely never thought I'd be thinking that! Best of luck to you, wherever your trip may take you
Thanks everyone for your couraging comments, I really appreciate that. Well... as strange as it may sound, but I do understand why he left. We both have our own dreams we want to follow and neither of us is gonna give them up no matter how much we love each other. I mean... we have to be happy by ourselves before we can actually be happy together. You know what I mean? I wouldn't have wanted him to stay here with me if it meant that he'd have to give up his dream. I want him to be happy and I know he wants the same thing for me. Before he left, he said that he'd ask me to move to the US with him, if he'd know for a fact that it would make me happy. I dunno if this makes any sense to any of you, but it makes sense to me. And I guess that's what is really important. Anyway... Of course I'm sometimes so mad at him for leaving me, but then again... All I want is for him to be happy, and if it means living in the US, then so be it. In 10 days I'll be moving to England to start my studies in university and I couldn't feel happier about it. Me and Sebastian are both following our dreams right now and maybe some day the dream we both want to follow takes us together again... Who knows...
