This is just me spilling some things, getting things off my chest, and letting off steam, I’d be shocked if anyone actually reads this. so first things first, I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. My life is just about as useless as a life can be. I have a job at Marshall’s, that’s good, but all I do is stand at a register and get bitched at by customers who are talking about how they are supposed to get 50% off, I have about 2 million bosses, so its just like that guy from Office Space, when I mess up, 20 million people tell me about it. I work for minimum wage, and I will guaranteed for the next year and a half unless I quit and get a new job. When I’m not at work, I’m home where my parents fight with each other over everything, I don’t think they even know what there fighting about anymore; they just do it because it’s what they do. And if they aren’t trying to kill each other, there’re trying to rip my head off, so fuck being home. Most of the time my parents don’t even acknowledge me. They don’t really talk to me for some reason. I have a brother who is 22, and when he was in high school, my parents took him to Abercrombie all the damn time, got him a car at 16, he has always gotten everything handed to him. The last time anyone took me school shopping was I think in the 8th grade, since then if I ever wanted something I gotta scrap up some cash and get it myself. I used to sell weed, which actually got me a lot of money, and a lot of weed, which was one of the best things to ever enter my life, i thought. It helped me block out the shit and just relax. A true medicine. I’ve been smoking too much lately, lately as in since april 05. Usually every day. I’m such a dumbass. I think it helps me but as soon as a go a couple days without it, its about 10 times worse that without it. So then ill get it in my head that I have to have it and now it’s 3 years later and what the fuck. i am always giving things to people and doin favors for them and doing all the shit jobs, and loaning whatever money i have to people with the promise of payback only to never see a cent, or a thank you, i feel somethimes like im due for something good, but its always the same shit, different day. School sucks, so do my grades now. It’s my last year in high school and I just want to get out of there. I go to a Lutheran school, so nobody can relate to me. Going to church helps me though. I go to a Wednesday service at night and its peaceful, theres not a lot of people there and I enjoy the music and the atmosphere. Church helps me get in the mood to quit doin stupid things and try to straighten out, but then I always have to go home. And my best friend, who I hang out with 99 percent of the time, is almost as much of a dumbass as me. We have been friends since the 1st grade and have never gotten into a fight. We completely trust each other. He might be the only person on the planet who gives half a fuck about me. I love the son of a bitch. Everything goes his way. Well, not everything, every once and a while he will get busted big time for something, its so funny, but not really. Anyways, his parents got him a nice car for his 16th birthday, he put a system in it, hes got a projector and surround sound in his room, hes got an awesome girlfriend, he has a family that sits down and has dinner with each other, but in the end, im just a jealous bastard. Hes on probation but we still manage to blaze a lot. Church says to cut off things that make you sin, get them out of your life, but I cant not be friends with this kid, hes the shit, we are practically brothers. If he wasn’t on probation, he’d be smoking as much as me. So I sit here with nothing so look forward to, except buying my next sac of herb to get me through the week alive, yea I know im a dumbass thru and thru. If you read this, im sorry, but not really because im not really a human, just a pretender, no purpose yet. And as I say this, bible verses come into mind.i guess I have Wednesday night to look forward to, if im not workin. So yea I don’t feel any better after this, shit. maybe i should see a psychologist or some shit like that, i was hoping this would be like that. I guess God is the one who can really help a person when they hit their low. so shit, we'll see what happens, or i will.
I feel for you and with you man, I'm in a remarkably similar position to you, almost identical as a matter of fact. Except for me, the best friend and me have grown apart, and now I'm at a position of lonlinesss, where I feel disconnected to everyone I talk to, theres just no one with intelligent thoughts in there head out there anymore. Just keep on chuggin and try to do what you enjoy as much as possible. Do you have a talent or a loved activity? I'm in love with the open wilderness and my bass guitar, both of them fill the void in my life society leaves. Just like you I'm stuck in a terrible job waiting to get out of high school, but at this point in time I'm unproven to myself so I don't know how I'll fair by myself in the real world without anyone's help. In June this year I guess we'll both find out what's in store for us. Personally, I'm going to find this one girl in Utah who might be the love of my life, then I will head to California for some psychedelic reflection for a week or two, after that hopefully I will be off to South America to live with shamans for a while to truely find myself and fix the scars life has left on me.
I'm the worst person to give advice but all I can say is don't give up on school. Study more, study hard and don't give up school. Because if you do, you won't end well. I suffered from depression too, but your situation looks much worse. Have you talked about this to your best friend? Let me know. I read all of what you wrote, I felt sad just reading it, it would have been a pleasure becoming your friend if I lived close to you. Where are you by the way? America?
Quit the herb, and you'll feel a lot better. Still sell it though and it'll be mad profit. Marijuana doesn't help the depressed, at least not me thats for sure.
