Many of you might recall my post from the old hip forums regarding this. Although I sometimes get annoyed or frustrated with someone only something big can instill hate in me. Last year, around the same time I got interested in Buddhism I got in a messy fight with two girls who were friends of mine at the time. It ended online, where they sweared and said some of the most hateful things imaginable to me. Worst of all, they told all of their friends to come into this chat room and basically insult me. I even recieved a death threat privately. Since then I have seen one insult directed towards me in a bathroom and a hypocritical e-mail from one of them who insulted me further, but yet I haven't spoken to either person again. It is so difficult because some of my best friends are friends of theirs. My feelings of hate were cultivated during the fight, and resurface every time I see them in the hallways. One reason I think the feelings are so strong is because in the last chat we had, involving the hateful messages, I was in the midst of becoming a Buddhist, so I didn't swear at all, tried to keep cool, and didn't say much while they torn me apart; ever since, randomly I find myself thinking about the hypocrisy of the fight and the friendship. As this school year has started I find those same terrible feelings of hate stronger than ever. There was a brief meeting for a cultural club today. I attended the first two meetings last year, but after I fought with them, I was afraid to go back to a club they were also in. I went with one of my friends today, and as we walked in the two girls said loudly "Hmmm..", directed towards my attendance at the meeting; and they then warmly greeted my friend. Whenever I see them or hear them, they instill hate, but even more, fear, in me. It is so hard to go to school from day to day, when one of their lockers is a few away from me. (Sorry I am rambling, I know you all are wondering what this had to do with Buddhism)... Anyway, the fear, intimidation, and hate have really gotten the best of me. I used to say "I wish..." and dream about this hate going away. I have always felt alone on this issue, because all my friends are their friends, and they are right to think those girls can be nice friends, but they have no idea how hurtful they can be. I feel really frustrated, and I have tried a compassion meditation twice, but I find that it has so far been ineffective. A major part of Buddhism is the ability to cultivate compassion for all living beings. I have tried hard, but I haven't been able to yet do it. I feel stuck in a situation I can't change. ...In Kindness, Diana
Sometimes I get obsessed about some realy ugly things. And when I catch myself producing these nonsense thoughts. I begin watching them, just like noting in maditation. It really works. I don't know if it will work in your situation but just an idea ... When that thought (hatret, fear or whatever) arise, just note it. "Oh hatret" And watch it closely. And try to catch this; you are not hatret, you are the one watching hatret. Try to see it as it is ... see how it arises and passes away. When I do this for a time I began to see the root of that obsession ... I don't know .. just wanted to share.
In order to cure yourself of this hatred and fear that you feel is uncontrollable, don't get too involved with it. The 'idea' is to let go. Release, relax. Do not push strongly in order to find another way. Bend and yield with the force like the willow trees or blades of grass beneath you. Being stiff and resistant will only wear you down, and 'snap' you. All I am suggesting to you is to simplify your approach to the problem. If you are attempting to focus on not hating, the hate will be difficult to dissipate. I recommend simplified meditation that is based on the very roots of Zen. A meditation that will extent to help you on all aspects of life, living and spirituality. Just sit down and focus your attention throughout your body, allowing your mind to settle and your senses to register what is present, everywhere. "Empty your cup" so it may be filled.
