Love's Smile

Love's Smile​

Our love was once a perfect smile,​

Pure and Brilliant White,​

Gleaming from Attention​

Morning, noon and night.​

Assured, I became complacent,​

Teeth began to stain.​

I payed less Attention​

Causing the first pain.​

I tried to shore-up the cavities​

With fillings of silver and gold.​

But no cure beats Prevention​

Perfection 's never sold.​

Anaestethised by Apathy​

I watched our teeth fall out.​

Our perfect smile becoming​

A bloody gummy mouth.​

__________________________________________

I'm looking for a title, maybe some editing ideas, help, suggestions, criticisms and comments. All are welcome.

Peace,
Aidan.

 

I really loved that poem. I just broke up with my boyfriend there a while ago and this really emphasises the sense of disappointment that is felt when an eventual break up happens. The metaphor of the teeth in the mouth was great as you could clearly picture the decay that can occur in relationships after a while, if you don't look after it. Very Deep and a great analogy to compare it with. The langauge was perfect too and the short snappy style of the poem, kind of emphasises just how quickly something can go from so perfect looking (like the teeth), to a rotten mess that is beyond the repair of some fillings or a brace!
Well done, that was cool! Sorry if I replied too much, carried away by your creative inspiration!

 

yeah very nice, i can definitely relate to that one.

 

I cannot help you in the title department, but that was boarding on brilliant.
Using teeth going bad as a metaphore for a relationship falling apart.
Both due to neglect.
Fantastic.

 

Thanks guys,

This is, I think, not quite there yet. I like the whole teeth/love thing but I feel that it could be written better, especially the 2nd stanza. Thanks for the words of support. I now want to try and improve it.

Peace,
Aidan

 

I liked it

 

Assured, I became complacent,
As the teeth began to stain.
And paid to little attention,
Respnsible for her pain.



Just a thought. Use what you like, trash what you don't like.

 

Thanks Malapascua,

I'll let you know when it's done.
Peace,
Aidan

 

i like it

 

i understand it better now, from reading the title.
and i like it a lot more.
i understand.

 

i like it too

 

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and comment.


Peace,
Aidan

 

Okay lemme try..

Assured, I grew(or became) complacent,
and teeth began to stain.
I payed her less attention
causing the first pain.

I tried to keep the cadence consistent with the whole piece...

Anyhoo, great image! Never thought of that, I thought it was very well developed. Last line made me cringe, so it was effective!

 

Yeah, the last line's the killer - it made me cringe too. It also reminded me that I haven't gone to the dentist in ages.

 

Thanks guys! KittenX, I think I will take your first line at least. Why couldn't I think of 'grew'? Thanks again.


Peace,
Aidan

 

I still really like this poem!

 

That was amazing...your metaphores were outstanding...pure brilliance..please post more as I would love to read more of your material!

 

i remember reading this but i dont know why i didnt comment it. great job yet again hun. i love reading your stuff so keep it coming.

 

*hugs* i think that this is the most brilliant analogy i have heard in a long time.
bravo.

 

Wow, this was dug up from the basement in the poetry section. It makes me happy to know that it iss still alive and well. Thanks guys for all of your positive comments. Hippyhappy, I hope you are over the break-up you were going through when you originally read this.

If you are really interested, there is a thread now with all of the poems I have posted on here since June.
http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=259364
I haven't written much over the last month or so but am hoping to add to it soon. Thanks for your kind words.

Peace,
A.