I've got a boyfriend. I love him so much, it's disgusting. It's long-distance, so we don't see each other much. Lately, I've been chatting and hanging out with one of his friends who lives nearby because the guy is seriously down because of love-life issues. I find this guy adorable, and I probably would have dated him had the love of my life not walked in the week before I met him, so I still have some minor feelings toward him (ones I would NEVER act on). I wish so much that I could tell him this stuff, because he is so down on himself, it's not funny. Obviously, I can't tell him that I find him attractive, because it will sound like a come-on, and that is the LAST thing I want to make him think. He's not really "hot," at least in that traditional sense: he's got crazy scary curly hair (we call him "the mop"), he's a total geek, and he's on the chubby side, but he's tall and sensitive and articulate (english major) and a hopeless romantic with a beautiful singing voice (actually has a lot of things in common with my bf). Should I just leave the situation alone? I try to talk him through it, but I'm always afraid I'm going to say something stupid, like, "well, I'd date you," and then he'd freak out and I'd freak out and then we'd be all weird every time we saw each other. At the same time, he's suffering, and he takes things so hard. With every girl that turns him down, his self-esteem takes another hit, in his mind confirming his belief that he is undatable and totally unattractive. It's so sad. I want to tell him it's not true, but I know it will come off as hokey or a trashy come-on from his best friend's girlfriend... On the other hand, I hate it when my friends hurt... :ack: Am I just being a girl? Letting my nurturing instincts get out of hand? Confusing genuine feelings of friendship for a forbidden infatuation? Sexually deprived and letting it get to me? Latching on to him because he reminds me slightly of my estranged beloved? Should I bite my tongue or should I say something?
LOL, I got this for my horoscope yesterday: "You can't talk yourself out of a feeling, no matter how hard you try or how well organized your debates are. Think of this as a learning experience. Pay attention to your emotions without immediately responding to them." It's crazy how that happens sometimes...
You situation is very similar to my own. A long distance relationship with somebody you love beyond words, yet in the picture exists another, a friend at that who is hurting, the answer in your hands. The first thing you have to do is avoid doubts that you made the wrong decision in being with the one you are now. You made that decision for a reason, therefore, you should stick with it. Doubts, big and small, are what lead to disaster. You've got to remember though that this other man is your friend, first and foremost, so don't shut him out. Help him as a friend should. Though he may be suffering due to heartache, you as a friend and a friend alone can help him far more than another relationship would. Keep in mind that it is most unhealthy to keep jumping into relationships, especially when your heart is torn. The best thing for him right now is a friend, and the best thing for you is to be that friend. Though it is hard, and trust me, I know, Waiting to see the one you love is worth the wait. I won't see my girlfriend til July of next year, and the strain is near unbearable, but this distance is whats going to pull us together in the end. As the days go by, the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter and at the end, I know we will be happy.
Oh believe me, I have no doubts about this relationship, lol. We're practically making wedding plans. I KNOW I've made the right decision. He's way more perfect for me than this other guy could ever be. There's so many signs that we were meant to be it's scary... but that's for another thread. I would never proposition this guy. Well, I mean, possibly, if I had met him before I met my boyfriend, but that would be the only circumstances under which I would initiate a relationship (thank goodness I didn't, because that would make my current honey off-limits and I might have just missed my soul mate!!). My problem is, how do I convince him that someone will come along that will see all the wonderful things about him that I see without seeming "too interested" or "too corny"? He's pretty cynical- ever seen the show House, MD? That's the kind of attitude he's got. At this point, he's just about sworn off women, saying he may as well not even try because it's never going to happen for him. I want to talk to him so BADLY, but I don't know where I should stop before it enters the realm of inappropriate behavior for a woman who's spoken for. I have been avoiding him. I feel terrible about doing it, but I'm so afraid I'm going to slip up and say something dumb that would hurt our friendship way more than help it... Uck, I wish I could shut it off, so I could make reasonably informed decisions...
I think you should give up the occasional hummer to ease his pain. hehehe...and yes to all of your questions btw.
If you are capable of having even the slightest bit of feelings for another man you are not with the right person nor are you in love. -This is Lynsey. I forgot to log Andy out
Well, relationships, they are the strangest things--sometimes. Love, it is a hard thing sometimes. We all go through so much in our lives. Friendships are beautiful things, we all need friends. I have loved, more than once, as has all of us. My last one was reallllllll deep, kinda still waiting to see how it all turns out. But I have a friend, who I love with all my heart,,,He is so beautiful and you know who you are,,,here on Hip. He is one of the most beautiful people I know. I have told him I never want anything to happen to him. Yes, in my heart I do love him. But at one point I love another. If my friend said o.k. Please be with me. I think I would say yes, because I DO love him. I know I would say "Yes," He lets` me be me and he has seen how crazy I can be and he says it is o.k. I love to have him be him too. He is such a wonderful person. So I can see where you are coming from,,,but you say you are planning a wedding "almost" well, hitman and I were gonna get married too and I don`t know where he is. I miss him but if he does not want to be with me, well, life goes on and my friend is soooo much apart of me. My friend is trying to protect his heart. I can understand that, that is why he says no. I know I would fall for him too. I would never screw him over. I have told him so. I would nevr screw anyone over. It hurts tooo much. And there is enough hurt in the world. There are those of us, who don`t fuck (as I was once told by my friend, He makes love, and I can see that he would, that is how beautiful he is. ) we make love when we have sex. Zen I am here if it ever changes.,,,Dreamin`
boy, I am right there right now. I am wanting to be with hitman waiting on him right now, have heard from him so I know he is a live and seems to be o.k. Don`t know all the truth yet. But that doesn`t mean I don`t love him with all my heart and soul. it is killing me, to not be with him. And I have other guys after me,,,and I can`t stand it. Want to be in kentucky with him and no one else. I have one good friend--he knows who he is,,,that I won`t give up for no one, but it is hitman38 I want to be with. If hitman said no, find something else, I would still love him the rest of my life as a person who was givien to me as a man I loved but if another said ok -yea, I would have to move on because that is what life is about. People love you, you hope they don`t lie to you or leave you. But if that person doesn`t want you there are others who do. I just want to be with Hitman38 and not screw up anyone elses life by being in it then leaving.
Amen. :worthy: I've decided to keep my big fat mouth shut. It would only make things awkward if I told him how I feel, especially since I'm pretty sure it's just some dumb physical attraction thing that I will get over... There would be nothing we could do about it since I'm only in LUST with him but in LOVE with someone else (it also would probably make him feel worse, especially if I explained it in those terms). As far as being a friend, I've decided I can do that as long as I keep my mind off of certain things... heh. He seems to be getting better as well. He's been going to my bf with his problems more than me (which I am kind of grateful for), though he does talk to me about some stuff from time to time. He withdrew for a bit, and we were worried about him, but I think as much as he wanted to become a seething ball of emo brooding, it was actually more like a healing cocoon, because he came out of it a happier and more confident person. He's been talking to this girl he knew back home a lot, and I'm proud of him for getting back up on the horse, as much as he's been turned down... Uck, he just doesn't deserve it! It also helped when my boyfriend finally came to see me after about 3 months of being separated by school and work in another state. Definitely put things into perspective. For a while, I was afraid that I was starting to fall out of love with nothing to talk to but the phone, but it's amazing how much actually being with the person can do to bring it all back... As much as it hurts, we do have kind of a beautiful relationship... Every time he comes back, I get to fall in love with him all over again.
Yeah, that's always a bitch. It's hell being stunning women like us, isn't it?:gorgeous: Wow, you gots it baaaaaad, hehe. I hope things work out!! "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Why is this junk so bloody complicated??:hysterica
You can have feelings for someone else and still be in love. I was in a similar situation w/ my fiance and his best friend. I lived w/ both of them and for a summer, only the best friend. I was in love w/ my fiance, but he kept doing shit which made me doubt if I wanted to be w/ him. He shut off the water while the friend and I were still living there- for 3 more weeks! He bought a motorcycle and didn't make payments on it- then we found out that the bike was in the friend's name, not my fiance's and the friend had to declare bankruptcy at 24 b/c of the bike. I started getting feelings for the friend after we moved out and I went to college w/ my fiance. Second semester, my fiance had to drop out b/c he didn't get his student loan b/c his grades were really bad. We kept up a long distance relationship until we broke up over a girl he was hanging out w/ and immediately started dating. Then, less than a month later, my fiance told me that he had gotten this girl pregnant! I knew preg tests can't detect pregnancy until after a missed period, so I thought he had been cheating on me. After this happened, I decided to go after the friend. He only had 1 gf and she cheated on him, so he wasn't too thrilled about women in general. We decided to remain friends b/c I was still in college and over 3 hours away. He was flattered, but still hurting from not pursuing a girl he liked but was too scared to date. About a month later, it turned out that the girl was NOT pregnant w/ my fiance's baby- they broke up after a couple weeks and she was already fully showing, so it was pretty obvious she was at least 2 maybe 3 months pregnant. There was 3 other potential daddies and she ended up having a miscarriage before she saw a doctor to confirm how many months along she was. My fiance realized what an ass he had been to me, and he apologized for the way he treated me. We became friends again, and within a couple months, we were dating again. He and I realized how much we missed each other and that other people wouldn't make us as happy as we were back together. We got engaged in July, 1 month after we got back together- we'd been dating for almost 3 years, mostly on but off for about a month total. He is a different person than he was when we broke up, partially b/c he's properly medicated for bipolar disorder (when we broke up, he had been off his meds a couple weeks and not mentally stable). Plus, his sister, who was a huge influence in his life at the time, had been trying to break us up since he left college and when the other girl came along, he listened to her advice. Now, I realize my feelings for the friend were nothing more than an innocent crush, but I am in love w/ my fiance more than ever. He feels the same way and has said that if he felt that he couldn't remain faithful to me after the other girl, he wouldn't be with me b/c in his opinion, I deserve someone better, who can devote himself to me. He feels that he is that person. He has told me that he turns down other girls in his dreams, which is a big change from a year ago. Yes, people can change and feelings change, but if you're with the one you love, you will know it- having crushes on others can make us realize what we really want and who we really love. Peace and love
Good Lord, you guys have been through some kinda hell. You're a bigger woman than I am. I wouldn't have been able to do it. But I have pride issues.
