Is this a stupid reason to try shrooms?

Ok, long story, but I'll try and keep it short.

A little over 2 years ago, I had acute liver failure for still-unknown reasons. Only 2 weeks after I became jaundiced, I had a transplant. Until I actually woke up from the surgery and saw all the staples, I was in complete and total denial that I would actually need a transplant. Needless to say, I was a little shocked.

When your liver fails, you become "encephlapathic," which is when all the toxins that your liver ordinarily breaks down build up in your blood stream and cause your brain to swell. The effects of this vary, but in my case, I became unruly and violent, so they gave me a ton of Verced--a sedative which also causes memory loss. I went into a coma two days before the surgery. After the surgery, they put me on 1000 mg (an insanely high but necessary dose) of Prednisone to prevent rejection. Three days after that, they dropped me down to 500 mg, which caused horrible withdrawls (that drug is evil, don't get me started.)

So...As a combined result of the toxins in my system, the verced, the prednisone, not to mention coming to grips with almost dying (I was given less than 7 days to live if a donor liver hadn't have come in), I was HALLUCINATING a SHITLOAD after the surgery. And needless to say, it was a BAD TRIP.

Most of my hallucinations were either neutral (not good, not bad, just weird) or they involved dead bodies. There were dead bodies, body parts, decapitated heads, and aborted fetuses everywhere.

Here's the thing...You hear about people having near-death experiences, and they always seem positive, light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel thing. Then when they wake up they're all enlightened and their life changes for the better.

Well, in a way, I had a near death experience (though I didn't technically die), except I went to hell. There was no god, no joy, and certainly no peace. This bothers me. I'm just not at peace with it. The thing is, I never got the sense that death was evil, but that death was a void. It wasn't some evil force that scared me about the dead bodies, but rather it was this feeling of a total lack of love. The feeling I got from death was that it was this emotionless, apathetic, plain where nothing mattered, and nobody or nothing cared about you.

After all that, I had a bit of an existential crisis, but I really just wanted to go back to normal and feel physically healthy again, so when I got better I kind of pushed it aside for awhile. This year, I've decided I want to work on settling the emotional effects of this experience, and I started therapy about a month ago. It helps alot, but I know that deep inside I'm the one who's going to have to settle this...except I don't even know what "settling this" means. That's what makes it hard--it's not like I'm going to get a certificate in the mail saying, "Congratulations, you've gotten over your transplant!" I need some other way to find closure, but I don't know how.

So now, one of my close friends has done shrooms, and her current roommate is even an amateur mycologist. And it's got me thinking of trying them, because I feel like maybe, if I have a really really positive trip, I can feel better about my existence, better about what happened. Since the doctor's were never able to scientifically explain why my liver failed, I've come up with my own spiritual reasons: three months before it happened, I was really depressed, and decided that I hated myself, and I was passively suicidal (I didn't actually try to kill myself, but felt as though I wouldn't cared if it happened). The fact that I had this attitude, and then I actually did almost die for unexplained reasons, just seems to be too coincidental. It's like I dared God and he took me up on it, and now that I was spared from death, I was supposed to have learned something from it, but all I've gotten out of it, in spiritual terms, is that there is no god and when your dead your dead, and I'm just not okay with that.

But I also know there's a chance I could have another bad trip, and that would probably make it worse, but it might be a risk worth taking, because I just don't know how else to do this. It feels like I have unfinished business, and I don't know any other way to go back to that mental state short of psychoactive substances. I've never done any drugs other than occaisionally smoking pot, so I'd appreciate advice from people who've been there.

Side note about my health...I'm now fine, physically. I never drink, and I know there are some shrooms (particularly here in the bay area) that are sold as magic shrooms but actually cause liver failure (the doctors even asked me a dozen times if I had eaten any). But that's why I would know my dealer, and I'd check with the mycologist friend before I did anything. I'm researching this thuroughly before I do anything, I'm not trying to be stupid. And I'm certainly not doing this to get "fucked up." I just don't know if it would be worth it or not.

Thanks for reading. -Kate

 

Kate-

In my opinion if I were you I would not now take them. My reason being you have had difficulty in your life and a Mushroom trip may intensify some sad feelings, you could also go the other way and have a fun trip, but why risk that. The stakes seem to high for me if I was you (from what you told us) You have to determine is the risk is worth the potential reward and for me it would not be.

You said you have been "passively suicidal " and depressed. I am no doctor and do not know your present condition, however if I were you close friend and you asked me I would recommend that you do not do this. The possibility of a bad trip and the possible results are to high I think.

You also say you have "unfinished business" so again if it were me I would work on those things one at a time until I made good progess or completed them. The time for me to take them would be after I had done those things and had a strong sense of accomplishment and my confidence level very high. Many things can make you have a good or bad trip. Ben Franklin when making a decision used to take a sheet of paper and write the positives on one side and the negatives on the other and make a decision from that. This is handy two ways it can actually make you think if something is a Yes or No, and show what state of mind you may be presently in because if its much easier to come up with negatives on most decisions that can tell you a lot of where you are mentally at any given time.

I see people that are not happy with life and some have had major events like you and other some things so small they should not have thought twice about them. My Grandmother lived to be a 100 Yrs. & 6 months old . When we had her 100th birthday party we asked her to say a few words. She said simply " I am a HUNDRED years old today, and I consider my life a very short time so enjoy each and every day you are here and consider it a blessing." I hope this helps, good luck.

Tug

 

i think maybe an MDMA experience would benefit you more than a shroom trip. shroomz aren't the best for working through issues because they can actually confuse you and make you question yourself even more. also if you are currently depressed or have any fear of a bad trip on mushrooms you should probably not take them. your trip will only be as good as you expect it to be, so thinking about all those terrible things while tripping could spell bad news. MDMA on the other hand really has no risk of a bad trip as long as its pure stuff. i have done MDMA and Psilocybin mushrooms about 10-12 times each and i think in your situation the MDMA experience would be a better choice.

 

Kate, I think your reasons are not stupid at all. When I tried mushrooms the first time, I had no other reason than curiosity. My first 2 trips were just laughing confusion, but that's because I didnt have enough, on my third trip I had the MOST beautiful experience I've ever felt to this day and it was more than worth it and it COMPLETELY changed me as a person.
It wasnt a good trip, it wasnt bad, but it was both combined and I learned so much from it and now I stand in the same place, but everything looks different. I find interesting that you described death as a void and a lack of love, during that trip I was completely overwhelmed and taken by the feeling of this powerful LOVE, that is right here, right now, we just gotta open our hearts to it. Really is something that we all know, but sometimes forget to realize and even if your trip isnt all pretty colors and light, it would be rewarding and you'll grow from it.
You dont need them, you can do the same thing yourself, they are a tool, here for us, to make our job easier. Only you can know if this is really right for you, if you decide to take them, just remember to let go and let the mushrooms lead the way.

 

this is what i was thinking too.

i'm so sorry you had to go through everything you went through, but maybe, like you were saying, it is for a spiritual reason, and you are meant to learn something. maybe the apathy and lack of love you're feeling now are just an essential part of the lesson, and you're not done learning.

mushrooms can definitely bring you to the place of pure love that autentique described. they have brought me there. so has lsd, and so have other drugs, but you seem to be in a very delicate place and i don't know if you should risk having a bad trip. with psychedelics, there is always that chance, and if you have a lot of fear in you it can be very dangerous. but mdma is like god giving you the warmest hug there can be, and no fear can intimidate you. you can look directly at it and see through it to the place where it is, in essence, a form of love.

i don't want to come in here and say "you should do all sorts of drugs!" as the solution to your problems. i believe you have really pure and good intentions, and i know you're not out to become a drained-out etard. if i were in the same situation as you, this is what i would do for myself. this is what i think would help you, take it or leave it .

i'd start off working with a low but effective dose of pure mdma, alone, with a notebook, a voice recorder of some kind, and maybe a few good inspirational (whatever that means to you, i like calvin and hobbes, you can find meaning in all sorts of places) books, movies, or cds. if you have a really strustworthy friend who knows you inside and out, it could be absolutely amazing to have them with you, but i think you need to focus on yourself. so if you don't have someone like that, it is important to be that person for yourself. don't just watch spongebob or play with glowsticks . i think you need to find some kind of inner peace and solid ground, before you even start to look outside of your self (in the sense of your self being your ego, your life, situations, experiences, etc) for god or divinity. not to say that mushrooms won't give you that inner peace, but they might give you a whole bunch of other things along with it that you're not quite ready for. on mushrooms, i found god in the corroded foundation of a house that no longer exists and a decaying fly carcass, but i found divine love in myself first, in large part through using mdma.

after that i think you would be in a much better mindset for mushrooms. depending on how you feel, i'd suggest taking a pretty high dose at this point. lower doses can be confusing. i think you're looking for a transcendental, communicating-with-god experience, right? a positive near death experience? you can never guarantee completely smooth sailing, but it will be so much easier if you can go into the experience already feeling a divine and eternal universal love glowing inside of you. if you already have the perspective to look at whatever presents itself as part of an infinite wave of love and light. even if you have that perspective, mushrooms may show you things which will make it hard to keep believing... but if you know it in your heart, convincing yourself becomes much easier.




if anything i said interests you at all i can write miles more, but i won't just in case it doesn't. i know it's impossible for me to understand how much pain you must have gone through, i still feel like i know how you feel to some degree, and i want to help if i can.

 

I wouldn't reccomend it, maybe an experience with something like Ayahuasca would help because they have strange powers apparently. I agree with many of the other people that you shouldn't use magic mushrooms if you are going through that right now. I would also not reccomend MDMA or Ecstacy because it is not worth it and it can be a bad thing to do when depressed. Hope you have good luck in the future and I hope everything sorts out. Peace!

 

I think this is great advice , what you say is so true about finding love in yourself through MDMA. I never thought of it like that, but really is the best way to describe the experience. I always felt on E like I was 1000000x more me and it allowed to really, really see thing and appreciate it in a completely different way. MDMA is to me like a love bubble, that's all there is when you are inside it and you are safe. You can share this with everything that surrounds you and that's the beauty of it.
The wonderful of it is that feeling stays with you and then you find yourself walking around smiling at everything. It was after almost a year of experimenting with E, that I tried mushrooms. Not because I planned it that way, but that's how it happened and after reading your post prism, I think that was the best way for it to happen and I didnt even realize it.

 

it amazes me how similar a lot of our experiences have been.

you're right, i love how you can share the love with everything... how when you find that love, you can just, inject it into another person, a completely sober person, a stranger. just by looking at them. and they'll do something that shows they got it, even if they don't say anything. a few days after my first time, i told an old friend of mine to love himself for me, and years later, he still remembers it, and is still affected by it. you really only need to do it once and you can be changed completely forever.

 

Strawberry,

Though you have good intentions, I still think there is some flaws in whatever research you have done. My only reason for advising you a 'no' for trying mushrooms is simply the physical aspect. I believe (however not 100% sure), that the hallucinogenic mushrooms are handled / broken down by your liver, and may be deadly to mess around with if you have a liver that apparently is suffering some unknown issues, (but you have a new one, right, and can you put strains on it like alcohol would?). I am not sure if this liver problem is the case for the Amanitas (the ones you aren't trying), or the psilocybin mushrooms (the ones you plan on trying). I know amanitas definitely effect your liver.

Also, you're comparing the hallucinations you had to mushrooms (?) and are labeling it a bad trip. Mushrooms are not so much hallucinations in the true sense, but they are visuals becoming morphed into patterns, aswell as new perceptions and outlooks during the course of the trip, mentally ofcourse, but whether it's good or bad is on you. Due to the liver aspect, I'd definitely recommend LSD over shrooms if you are worried about a state of toxicity being brought upon your liver.

If you really are still worried, the only thing guaranteed to bring you some positive outlooks would be ecstacy, but consider checking on the toxicity of it. I am unaware of what certain drugs do to your liver. But relying on E for positive outlooks in life, isn't really where you'll want to be.. not to mention the come down will suck, being drained of everything that makes you happy in your brain by the time it is over.

Best of luck

 

It amazes me too, I think it's beautiful that we all are in completely different places, completely different places and still we can all get the same feeling. I guess we really are ONE
Sharing the love with everything is the magic of it.To me E has always been about the sharing of that feeling, it's so easy to do so and it makes everything better. I'm a firm believer in energy exchanges and I think MDMA turns it into more positive ones.
I know for a fact that the first time I experienced the high from ecstasy, I didnt consume any pills. I was in a rave in a cave, and this beautiful energy was concentrated in this place and I was feeding of it. I met people there who are now my friends and they still dont believe I wasnt on anything (no alcohol, no weed, no nothing). I kept telling them "you dont understand, this IS how I am. I was just very happy to feel that everyone else was being the same way", but there was a definite wave rushing through me that made me , well ecstatic.