i don't know if this has been posted here, anyway, here's my story. To cut it short, i've been in a really toxic straight relationship that just turned my world upside down. I'm trying to get it all 'straight' back, but it's really difficult. All the stresses that i've been put through cause me to have obsessive thoughts along with uncontrollable nervousness. There's one thing in particular that get me anxious, and it's my sexuality. Since the broke-up i couldn't stop thinking about her, cause the love was beautiful, but the way i was treated was horrible, and i allowed for that. So after the brokeup i started to get all the stresses away, and one of ways to get rid of it, was well, just to jerk off. Then i found out that I have no affection for other girls, which immediately turned my attention to guys. I mean, i got scared, how could this be? I just lose the interest in girls, and turn gay all of sudden? This can't be happening. Anyway, i let my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to take control of that part of my life, and all hell broke loose. I started checking if I'm turned on by guys. All the time, comparing and checking. Random images popping into my mind at times just didn't help to get my mind off of this issue at least for one day. The main problem is, I KNOW that people don't just turn gay all of sudden. Like I have been in love many times with girls, so do gay people, right? I can't imagine being in a homosexual relationship, and honestly i don't want to, I just want to have my girl and hold her hand, that's it. If you're still reading this, this is the reality of having an obsessive compulsive disorder which is triggered by stress. My advice is to stay away from problems, don't let others make you worried for no reason, cause you may end up fucked up real bad. Another important thing in 'finding out' wether i'm gay or not was the anxiety itself. I mean, i know some anxiety makes you turned on in certain situations, gets you excited, that's why i've been confused about my sexuality. Everytime i try to 'check' wether i'm gay or not, trying to fantasize about some gay situations i don't get turned on by the situation itself, but the nervousness of it does all the work. I don't even get turned on fully, i just get stuck cause in reality i'm not gay, it's just the confusion that's messed up my way of thinking and my body reacting. I don't know if whatever i wrote here will help anyone, at least i let it off my chest, but if some of you have the same feelings about their own sexuality, it's important to note that any anxiety disorder won't help you solve it (if you want to of course). I myself started to think that whatever i think about that's sprinkled with anxiety all over it is just distorted. And when i take away all that anxiety from my thoughts about my orientation, then magically i don't feel any need for checking, and nervous-half-assed-turn-on for same sex. OCD is a bitch. Fight it people.
Believe it or not, this issue is so common for people with OCD that it has a name - Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (H-OCD). I have some obsessive-compulsive tendencies myself, but thankfully they've never affected me in terms of my sexuality. Good luck with fighting the OCD, and thanks for posting this here - I'm sure there are other people wondering about this. P.S. For anyone wanting more information, here are two articles that I've found about H-OCD: http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php and http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php.
thanks a lot for these links, in fact i read these articles before and everytime i read them i feel the anxiety goes away. it's an illness, i'm just wondering if one can fight it on their own. i tried and it worked, the key is not to worry and let the thoughts pass by (which sounds impossible for an OCD sufferer). the problem is, a mind of someone who has OCD plays cruel tricks. I mean i wouldn't have written my first post here in the first place if it wasn't for reassurance that in fact i am not gay. It's all about emotions. Bad emotions, fear sticks to thoughts, which continue to come back because they're associated with fear. Getting rid of the fear works, but it's extremely difficult. The boarderline between checking and saying 'whatever' is so thin that your brain may take advantage of that and trick you again. It happened to me yesterday. I was watching Transofrmers the movie, thinking that Megan Fox is just so damn HOT, which got me thinking - well, what the hell i think i can't be gay if i think like this, so i just wanted a definitive check if i'm gay. Started imagining things again, and BAM, OCD is back. Damn this thing sucks...
