im a complete jerk, i dont deserve to live

i am an arrogant, ignorant, selfish asshole. i can admit this now. i hate my life and i dont deserve it. i would kill myself but i am also a pussy, so technically i do not have the balls to even do that. i hate pretty much everything about my life, this will be a long post, its just here as a confession- i no longer give a fuck about anything. most of you will consider this as another teenage prick with no appreciation of what he has got, a depressed fool who is just filth on this earth.
thats fine, im beggining to think i am. i have been here along time, i know alot think im disrespectfull, extremely rude and basicly just a complete jerk. im not posting this for sympathy either, just for people to understand what kind of complete moron i am.

since my dad left when i was about 13, i have begun to think independently, i had to help my mom alot because she was and to a part is a complete wreck. anyway im in no way saying that this is my dads fault, because we are all responsible for our own actions. anyway i have always been a quet kid, not getting on with anyone, keeping to myself and avoiding social situations. i dont know why. thats when my life completely changed. when he left i didnt know what to do, i was really upset. my dad was not a completely bad man. he was really intelligent man in my view, i always respecting him because he would always be fair. but he treated my mum like shit, i think he cheated on her constantly. my mom was and to this day is a workaholic. its not her choice, she feels she needs to raise me and we dont get anyhelp so she has no choice, shes just trying to provide for me as much as possible, something every good mother does to her child. so my dad left us for another family with a different woman. he rarely contacts me, but i dont want to talk to him, its not hate, its just complicated and a completely different story. so when he left, i wanted to try drugs. sounds stupid and cliche, but i didnt want to think about the same shit on a normal head. i tried to get pot from stoners in school. and theyre not hippies, but british gangster wanabes. after them dissapearing with the money and hiving excuses like thy got robbed etc (and yes i tried ti buy it like 3 times, i was desperate to think different) i decided no way. i began to grow pot in my room, i told my mum i need things to take my mind of. i said i wont smoke, she said fine. at the time my project failed (used completely rubbish equipment etc). but eventually i started hanging out with those guys that ripped me off. they used me and i used them, they used me because they could take bud out of what i buy, i used to them to atleast get any drugs at all. i would smoke at home, in my room (sometimes with them but i didnt enjoy it, i would end up just staying out at a dark spot getting high all night almost everyday with them). when i smoked at home, i would think about shit going on about me, life in general, other people, religion and many common subjects. i developed complex beliefs which seemed right to me. and when i would talk to people about them, they would say im very intelligent for my age. this drove my fucked up ego to believe i was special and knew what mattered. it went on like this for maybe 14months. during the last few months i grew my own pot, and i did succeed and it was amazing, i loved the growing process, and i loved the harvested product. so i stopped hangfing out with that kind of people, i stopped acting like i was like them and talking like i was like them ( an axtreme desire to blend in, have friends, maybe a dream to even be respected or looked up to. it was my dream, i acted to be some sort of gangster, even though i was a pussy.) so i would continue to get high, off the lots of weed i grew. and then it happened, i stopped thinking about shit around me, and started thinking about me. i realised how false i was, i stopped going to school, because i could not face the people i tried to fool. every one i could be friends with now i was mean too, i would rip on the rocker kids, the nice kids, everyone basicly. people saw me as a prick, i saw myself as a unique peace of art. so the depression started getting worse, i thought about my death, how i badly influenced others life etc. i thought i was such a peace of shit, i couldnt look into anyone who saw what i was like face. i wanted change. well, thankfully very soon after this we moved to a different area. i went to a college noone of the people i knew would go to because it was too far for them. i hoped to act myself, make friends, give a nice life a shot. i thought people would be mature and tollerant. during the summer before this, i regrew my hair, started wearing clothes i thought were nice, i tried to act as nice as i thought i could. i thought people would like me if i acted as i feel, if i was honnest and truthfull. i was wrong. college made me lose hope, i observed the people around me, and the adults in the area. all in my view seemed as a waste of space. i dont see how one could be happy living such a life. same reppetitive shit everyday, doing the same stuff everyweek. i believed that there must have been someone outthere, so i looked and looked and talked to all the people i could. but it was just like school. i was truthfull, people dissed me for it. if asked, i speaked honestly, studds dissed me cuz they fucked whores and if i was honnest and said i want to be with someone special, someone like me not just anyone, they considered me as gay geek. girls think im a sad freak, since the guys think what i just said. i know, because they are all open about theyre oppinions of me. anyway, i got intouch with some old friends (the ones before the pot smoking stage) and they are kids, they just care about shopping and go home at 10pm, also very self concious. i dont know, for months now i stopped beng slef concious personnaly, hence why people dissing me dont bother me, hence why i dont care for anything. i started thinking about leaving UK when i could (18) going to someplace nice, like callifornia. but i am scared. i feel like there is no one out there like me, i have changed alot and i hoped someone would like me if i was nice and tried to be charming and memorable. i now see thats its not. people go with the crowd (just like i used to, they act the way they see theyre friends act. no character, just fakeness and stupidity) i feel very alone right now, at the top of the post is exactly what i think of myself now. i dont see how i can live my life anymore like this, i do not have anyone i can open up to about this without having the shit dissed out of me. this is why i post this here, just to let you see what kind of a person has been replying in your topics. i am a failure, a alone prick. i do feel there is no one in the world like me, i have now decided to not speak anything if i dont have anything nice to say. it is very annoying in my oppinion, how i get on with adults, i get called intelligent and mature, yet im waste in my age groups eyes. recently i have contaced alot of people i have been mean to in my life, i appologised, and explained. i see myself as unworthy of life, because i dont appreciate it, because i dont feel there is anything to appreciate. i think my life sucks, and i know to you i AM just a douche, and maybe if i didnt seem like that i do now.

i thought me changing would change everything, but it doesnt. i tried to be me, be nice, be attractive, be helpfull, be intelligent, be fun. but there isnt anypoint really, some are happy, some arent. im not and havent been almost my entire life.

anyway this is my long confesion, im not special, even if i tried to be, honesty doesnt work. chances are i will never meet people i trully like, chances are i will not live my life in the way i like. chances are all my hopes for the fact that i should be hopefull nd just wait, and life will get brighter are just dreams. i will wake up one morning, an old man, and just wish to die allready

my life sucks. think what you like, i opened up, i no longer care for anything anymore

 

admitting you have a problem is the first step

you remind me a lot of me actually
even the same age my dad left (only mine died instead =P)
and I even went through a few periods of self loathing when I was around your age too
I didn't ever put too much consideration towards suicide though - fuck that, for better or worse I'm riding life out

I don't know if I have much advice to give you, just tell you that there is reason to hope, and you can become someone you like - I know, I've been there, done that

don't focus so much on external things for your problems - weed, some asshole 'friends', just focus on learning about things that interest you, working on yourself, on your skills, etc.
think of who you want to be, think of people you admire, try to become one of them

maybe get a job (if you don't have one), it can be a good way to meet people and learn to socialize better, and it can make you feel some self worth

other than that, yeah, just hope and luck...
I wish you the best

 

You first need to cut yourself a break. Realize that you have been through a LOT. More than most. Once you ease up on yourself a bit you will be more comfortable. Don't worry about hurting others with your attitude; but worry about how you are hurting yourself with your negative attitude. Anytime you want to talk, hit me up on PM, okay?
Hang in there!

 

i dont know for the last maybe 5 or 4 months i have been nice to people. i can socialise, i just dont see the point anymore. anyone ive ever met reminds me of a person i met prevously. that is just the shit that i experienced in the past maybe 4years. i dont feel i am the person i was, but im not the person i think i am either. adults say im nice, i think i am what i posted earlier

 

and i dont consider pot a problem. at one point i did, but pot did help realise alot, partly even this.

 

^ it all depends on the person and the situation in which they use it whether it is beneficial or harmful (or completely indifferent)
personally, it taught me not to care so much about most things, which led to me learning to enjoy life more

for me, I feel my depression acted as winter, and I have recently blossomed
even when it's bad, life's good, and I feel pretty damn good about myself, even though there's always room for improvement

I agree with usfcat, chill out and don't be so hard on yourself

 

i dunno, i just feel so alone in the world

 

you are and you aren't
no matter what your situation, not that many people are going to value you as they shoud/the ways you fele they should, and you'll never really know just how much people value you
and no matter what, you arne't going to be the only perosn that feels the way you do about it
it's easy to get lonely - even when you don't necessarily have reaosn to be
the best thing to do is to learn to be content with solitude, while you look for your company =)

 

1

 

like someone else said, you remind me of myself.
i feel like in real life i dont really connect with people any more, even people i thought were my best friends.. it sucks.
life just seems like one shitty routine at the moment, i just want to move and travel and get out asap!
i don't know.. i'm sure when you get a bit older things will brighten up for you. it's not too long till you're 18 now, right?

 

2 years. thats a long time trully.

also in my post i said im not blaming this on my dad running off or w/e. as i said everyone is responsible for theire actions.

also Katy

''i dont really connect with people any more''

this is what i began noticing, not a single person, friend or who i can connect with.
you hear sayings like a person can count his true friends on one hand, which i believe to be true, but sucks the way things are atm.

dunno just went out with some shitty ppl, ended up having a short night. kinda deja vu feelin of old times where people bail and you realise you dont care because you dont even like them.

im kind of relaxed now, calm and tired. seems like all the people i find interesting and fun are on forums and i will never meet.

anyway, i guess the search is part of life =/

 

I think that happens to lots of teens, the not connecting with people thing
and then from that you can learn how to be more cautious with who you connect with
don't worry guys, you'll have them personal bonds once again, as long as you handle everything properly

being a teen really sucks sometimes, it's can be an especially lonely and isolated period in one's life
but like all stages of life, it doens't last forever
come on you two, chins up =)

 

ive had similar experiences. i was definately able to relate to a lot of your story. when i was in highschool i made a complete ass of myself.. i was such a tool. a tool that tooled others. and i still dont feel like i "fit in".. but that ship has sailed. thats no longer important to me anymore. i just try to be myself. i had never realized how fake i was until i seeked to find truth.. now, i dont really care. i have my own non mainstream life in comparison to my "friends", which really i consider acquaintances. and it was not all bad, i have learned from them. i cant offer great advice, i dont know you. i dont know how you deal withthings. but it sounds to me... like you will get over this. you are only 16. oh lord, i cannot tell you how worthless i felt at 16. 17. 18... but here's my advice to you. now truly as someone who has felt similar things, and believe me there are tons of people like you out there, you are not alone! people just dont show how they feel all the time.. but, i definately feel in my heart that you will move on. be strong. never give up. be glad the lord has not blessed you with the courage to kill yourself, because that kind of courage would be foolish. agreed? regardless of whether you believe in god or not, there is a higher power. chekc out some of my other posts to see what i think on that.. anyway. if u want to talk, pm me.
peace

 

im 14 but im in the same place dude. its complete shit. ive had a noose around my neck, knife to my wrist and i once spent 3 hours standing on a tube platform just trying to get the nerve to jump. ive realised that i cant give less of a shit what any of those cunts at school think what they make me do what any of this shit stands for. i do my own thing i do what makes me happy. i get stoned and reflect on all the shit in my head rather than blocking it out rather that caring about everything. i get told i smart mature for my age... but thats not a good thing i get on well with adults but i cant be friends with adults. the people i associate with only care about getting pissed or stoned or laid, you cant speak to them just talk shit. please man dont do anything stupid man cus when you realise your to pussy to do it you'll feel even worse. luck man.

Edd.