My punishment was being born male

When Im walking down the street and a fine looking girl passes me by I dont get excited but instead I think to myself how I would've been better off in her shoes. With me a girl who I find attractive is like a jealousy thing not sexual. Its like looking at something that you feel you should have. As a male with gender identity issues I battle with countless emotions day by day. I'm always concerned about how I look, how I walk and who's around me. When I wake up in the morning I feel like shit. The time I spend on grooming is time consuming as I shave my entire body from unwanted hair.

When my brother has a girl over I feel challenged. I know I was meant to be female because something seems unforfilled in my life and being male seems to be the main issue to my anxieties. I attempted to date a few guys which only one out of the few worked out ok. But even then I knew that I couldn't get the full pleasure of any of those relationships due to my assigned gender. If I were female I would have less trouble with my social life as well as just about everything else.

Now what really bothers me is my 100% awareness that I am not female. Even though my mind tells me that I am not a normal male I know what the world sees when they look at me. This is the reason why I maintain a masculine charactor. In no way will I go out there acting flamboint and feminine because its just not the way I do things. Everything about my gender identity disorder is kept under radar but I am sure some things are noticable amongst the people I see everyday.

I cannot pretend that I am female that is not how it works for me. The only way I can fix my behaviors into female charactoristics is if I were confidant that I was female. So my answer lies in sex reassignment surgery. Until then I am cursed the the displeasure of being a gorgous female trapped in a mans body. About the fine girls walking down the street that I brought up earlier, its when I look at them when I realize how things should've been for me.

 

When you say you are aware that you aren't female... do you mean inside as well? Because if you aren't 100% certain, and I mean unless you have absolutely no doubt or confusion about who you are inside, don't go changing your body permanently, because you might just need time to sort things out. There are other options than gay, straight, trans. The human psyche, especially in the area of sexuality and gender, is never black and white. But is that the way you see yourself-- a gorgeous female trapped in a man's body? If that's who you are then you should let yourself become her on the outside. Good luck to you wherever you end up. Peace--

Michael

 

I think i understand where you're coming from, but im not sure.


For me, i am constantly aware that im not "a normal female". In that i dont have the genitals i feel i should have, periods, and that kind of thing. But that is 100% physical. Inside i know i am totally female, no doubts at all in my mind. But the awareness that i am different from most other girls is really hard for me to cope with. When i see "normal" females walking around outside, it's like a contant reminder of the curse i feel was placed on me at birth. I do feel very jealous as well, when i see girls outside, and cheated. It's just something ive learned to live with. It will always be hard for me though.

 

Ok I will try to clarify what I was trying to explain. I know mentally that I am not a normal male who has normal charatoristics. And in the same mental state I feel certain that I was meant to be a female due to all the experiences that occured throughout my life. I never grew up hanging out with buddies and involving myself in the popularity scene. I didn't have the drive to meet and make girlfriends or male friends for that matter. Something was definantly wrong with me and I just didn't know what it was.

So I see a psychiatrist and they declare me as a depressed patient. But what caused my depression now that I look back was this uncertainty of being a boy all along. Now that I know more it is clear to me now that I am failing in all areas life due to my unwanted gender. Being male just isn't for me as being straight isn't for someone who is gay. For me I feel my options are either make the modifications I need to become more of a female and eliminate all my male features and charatoristics or I cannot move on.

 

Gender identity issues are incredibly difficult to cope with, I understand fully that you must be frustrated and very unhappy... I wish you all the best, whatever steps you take and whatever you decide for your life. I'm on the opposite end of things, I'm a male born female, but I'd be glad to help any time if you're feeling lonely or just needing someone to talk to. Feel free to PM or email me any time. Peace--

Michael

 

That sounds slightly different than me. Ive always felt i was a girl inside from around the age of 5. All through childhood and growing up ive always felt the same. And have never accepted other people's view of me as being male. Seeing as ive never felt any different to how i do now, i know for a fact i was born with the condition i have. I have been told my doctor that in her opinion for me function in society as a male, is just something which isnt possible. Even the simplest social situations for me are impossible to cope with, i cant speak to anyone without being constantly thinking about my gender and how other people are seeing me. Even just going to the shops throws up these problems for me. I just feel totally cursed. Whatever you are going through, it does sound somewhat similar to my experiences, if not the exact same. I wish you lots of luck. I know only to well how difficult it is to exist when you know in your heart and mind you're one thing, but your body is saying the complete opposite. Mentally, i cant imagine anything being as debilitating and hard to live with as this condition.

 

Well now that I am 25 and certain of what I want for myself which is to re-assign my gender to and make a complete transformation, I feel like I have to do everything over again. And I will need a mother figure to guide me through which I would prefer an experienced transgender m2f. I really want to have a successfull transformation and be abled to once and for all live a normal life.