Moon Glare

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by millieha49, Dec 11, 2007.

  1. millieha49

    millieha49 Member

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    I am the night on a wall

    A cold dark

    Thing

    Inside a cupboard somewhere

    I am words below a grave

    Promises trodden in the mud

    A kiss that lingers

    Rotting the lips it blessed.

    Spiderwebs twist alongside my veins

    The memories-

    Buttery hair

    Lace on snow

    Sleep lonely.

    I am a piecing cavern shrieking

    For resurrection.



    We will never be united

    Never be us again

    The ebony dagger

    Hair is not mine

    The converses that lay forgotton

    On the bandstand aren’t yours

    And the music that bathed us

    Will never play again.



    But sometimes, just sometimes

    I feel your cocoa warmth

    And coffee smile

    Flooding through the barricade

    Your moon-drenched hair on my

    Buttery hair

    Stings the hot tight whiteness of my eyes

    And in that stabbing moment

    A single tear drop cascades

    From the glaring face of the Moon.

     
  2. skyfire

    skyfire Member

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    i like the first and thrid stanzas, i dont feel that the second stanza does anything for your poem, it could be cut out and the poem would be stronger i think...
     
  3. millieha49

    millieha49 Member

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    Thank you for commenting, I couldn't part with the second stanza as it is the 1st one I wrote for this poem! Perhaps I should try and improve it instead...
    As you may have guessed the first stanza is narrated from the point of view of the dying/dead love itself, whilst the second and third are from the perception of me! I agree though that at the moment the 2nd stanza doesn't seem to fit in the poem. Any help with changing it would be appreciated..
     
  4. xexon

    xexon Destroyer Of Worlds

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    Well, the title sucked me in here. :)

    Poetry is as personal as one's own skin. Its really written for the self. Other people may not understand it, but hey, thats the way of the artist. :)

    You're doing fine, and I think you have talent.

    Polish it.


    x
     
  5. salvation

    salvation Member

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    very good,i like:A single tear drop cascades

    From the glaring face of the Moon.
     
  6. mojave green

    mojave green Member

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    I like it. Nice mental-emotional imagery.
     
  7. redyelruc

    redyelruc The Yard Man

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    This made me feel very sad and lonely. So I think it is a success. that's the point with poetry, is it not? To arouse emotions in the reader.

    I too, however agree that the second verse seems a bit off. Maybe you could give it a little fine-tuning rather than chuck it as you seem attached to it.

    Whatever, I enjoyed reading this and look forward to more from you.
     

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