A Moment of your time.

hey my name is jeff and im new to the site.

sexual orientation is an enigma... i cant pretend to say i understand it in the least bit...

I am 21 years old with a pretty normal background. loving parents, multiple siblings, normal lifestyle etc.

 

First of all, you are not gay. Nothing you say indicates any attraction to other guys. All of your experience is in relating to the opposite sex from what you write. Your fantasies are toward the opposite sex, your desires are to remain straight. Please don't take what I say as being tightassed or prudish. That is not the case. I have had many years experience working in the mental health field and what you are experiencing is not uncommon. With the use of E you have suffered a psychic injury, a wound to your soul. Rather than let it heal you have continued to aggravate the wound. Sometimes and for some people, drugs open a door that does not easily close. I encourage you to find counselor/therapist in your area and work with them to resolve this. At present you don't trust yourself, developing a professional relationship with a professional will allow you to trust them and they, in turn, will show you how to trust yourself again. It would probably be very wise to abstain from drugs and alcohol for a good period of time so your healing can take place without interference. Sounds like a good time to forego sex too. I wish you the best in this. Take care, Steve

 

I completely agree with Steve, I don't for one second think you're gay or even bi/ bi curious. I too agree with his recomendation to seek help and to lay off the drugs and alcohol. Once you get your head cleared out, you'll be right as rain.

You are always welcome to post and to chat.
good luck to you,
peace my friend.
bob

 

I appreciate your thoughts and value your opinions. But does the fact that i have had homoerotic fantasies mean something. My sexual experience has been all women. Short of running around naked with my griends when i was very young playing truth or dare(l10 yrs old) I have never truly experienced homosexuality. I've never touched another mans genitalia, i';ve never kissed a man. Sometimes when I was around that age i would think of homosexuality not as homosexuality, but as another form of sex. And sex at that point in my life was all i could think about. I did not understand it and I would think about it soradically. But never felt the need to act on it. One time when I was in middle school aneighbor of mine had people crash at his house. He told me he had a boner late at night and I remember feeling extremely uncomfrotable. I wasn't turned on. I remember thinking at that moment that this was not what I'm looking for. From that point i felt straight and confident.

Here's why i continue to doubt myself.

I like to act goofy. I like to laugh a lot. I like to joke around in character. I did theater arts in high school as a way to goof off and make people laugh. It was fun up until high school. People would make fun of my demeanor when I joke around or talk. People concieved me as feminin. (Which is funny comming from other students of a theater arts class) I won't doubt that I have some feminine characteristics. I like to think of positive things. My voice doesnt sound all too masculine. (Not too feminine either). I'm theatrical with how I joke around. Some people percieve that as a gay trait. But I never wanted intimacy with anyone but women. It's almost as if peoples critisism can have a manipulative affect to ones mind. You can begin to believe you are something you are not, based on social influence. I don't like that. I'm just completely confused and I don't trust myself or my mind now. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to be. The only concrete things I know about myself is this.

I desire to live a simple life with a woman who makes me feel comfortable with myself and who is not afraid to act goofy and embarress themselves. My surroundings make me feel uncomfortable because everything and everyone is just so fucking critical. It's just constant gossip and analyizing of everything. People break things apart just for fun. I find that sadistic. I find that offensive to my existance.

Life is not about the destination but about the journey... But so far this journey has been terrible and all I can think about is the destination as a means of forgetting this joureny.

 

Having a fantasy, or watching a certain type of porn doesn't make you gay (or straight).

It sounds to me you know what you want "I desire to live a simple life with a woman who makes me feel comfortable with myself..." and so forth. What do you feel like you need to do now to make that come true? Drugs, alcohol, and the part scene may not be the best place to find someone like minded.