Problem with my girlfriend

as a lifestyle, use of illegal drugs just isn't everybody's thing. this doesn't make them a 'control freak', except in the sense that they want to have as much control as possible over the impact to their own life. not everybody values recreational drug use so highly that they're willing to take the risk of suffering the consequences...whether they be health or legal consequences.

 

Exactly, I would show her but if I did that she'd close it and say she doesn't care she still wouldn't want me doing them.

 

I don't think people that choose not to do drugs are control freaks. Thats totally cool. But when they are trying to make their companions stop doing things they enjoy, whether its tripping out or smoking some pot or whatever, thats when I think its controlling and unnecessary... Thats all I'm saying. People that don't do drugs are dandy!

 

Personally, I would dump any person who tried to convince me to do drugs. They call it dope for a reason. Second, the me me me thing is way over the top. All relationships take work and compromise. Give a little get a little. You probably should be concerned as to why you would want her to be sick on a Roller Coaster for your enjoyment. It seems that you are in a relationship of 1. I don't know either of you, but there are millions of people that may be more compatible with you and you may just be better off.

 

i woudlnt dump someone because they do drugs, but if they felt hte need to constantly persuade me taht i shoudl try them... well, i refused to go on a third date with someone because he spent about 20 minutes of our second date telling me the merits of pot and acid, right after i said i had zero interest in drugs

 

Don't put pressure on her man, if she doesn't want it, leave it like that. Focus more on your relationship rather that if she's gonna smoke or not.

 

Stated by you

it's hard doing that when it seems like I do 95% of the effort to make her happy when she hardly does that 5% back.


So in above statement u put "it seems like i do 95 % of the effort"

My question to you is ??
Do you FEEL like you do... to FEEL accepted or WANTED .. Do you not communicate with your gf and explain how you feel . Because saying like but seems etc are giving hints of excuses . Is there something inside you just cannot bear to tell your gf that you need to tell her... Vice versa. The biggest key to a relationship is communication and trust. If there is none of that there is no foundation.

 

From the sounds of it you're both pretty high-maintenance and controlling. Instead of having your relationship be a messed up game that you keep score in, let go of the ideas of your individual needs and seek to give to your relationship and help it grow without asking for petty things in return, instead take notice of how you feel about yourself, her, and the relationship.

At the beginning my boyfriend and I had an extremely shallow relationship. He'd keep track of how much money he spent on me, all the rides he gave me, who gave who oral how many times, etc., and I'd keep track of how much of MY weed we smoked, how many times I called him and told him nice things, etc. It got to the point where we were warring against eachother constantly over these things. He did so many little things that pissed me off, and instead of focusing on the big picture of our relationship I'd overreact about these things that could have been forgotten in a second if I hadn't felt the urge to pursue an arguement.

We broke up for awhile and now I realize that enjoying and valuing our time together is far more important than picking him apart and always having to be right. We don't have much in common, but we make it work by respecting eachother and taking an active interest in one another. He never reads, but he still makes an effort to stay attentive when I tell him about the book I just finished, and though I have no interest in video games, I still listen and pay attention when he tells me all the little details about this racing game he's been playing online. And it's not the least bit unenjoyable because he's expressing his interest and joy over something, and since I love him that brings me joy. Watching his face light up as he talks about some driving maneuvers he made on his game last night gives me butterflies. He's not good with words, but instead of wishing he'd give meaningful compliments, I take the ones he does give for what their worth..little tokens of his love and affection for me. The little things.

I know it sounds silly, but that's just what it feels like to completely accept the other person and just let love flow naturally instead of withholding or forcing it. We don't have an intense passionate relationship, but instead love seems to have settled comfortable around us, and in it we're free to be ourselves and love one another for only that reason. If you can't find enough things in your relationship that create and stir love enough to make you happy, then you're not with the right person. But also keep in mind that love can be painful, and often that pain hurts most but brings the most in return when it's in the form of sacrifice.

 

You guys are done for. Just make sure you really screw the hell out of her so you don't have any regrets. Do her in the ass for sure.

 

back yet again. with some more problems that I need some opinions on.

things the last 2 days have been going great, but I am starting to get fed up, and am now not containing myself to make others happy.

My girlfriend discussed, going to either prom or winter formal and we both agreed for prom. So up until about 2 and half months before the dance she announces that she wants to go to winter formal. So I was sorta bothered, and had my girlfriend arrange away to get 2 of my friends to get in my best friend and his girlfriend. So she went through lots of trouble to work that out and my best friends girlfriend flaked out. So I let my girlfriend know 2 days before bids were do. So I appologized and said that I was sorry for wasting her time.

I recently graduated, so keep in mind I am not friends with her friends I also was not planning on going to this dance so I really didn't want to go, and she told me that if I don't go she'll go with another guy, and I said if she does that i'll dump her in a heartbeat. That's why I invited my friends, but whatever let that slide. So we go she looks absolutely beautiful, and I bought a tux, etc, etc did everything to make this the perfect experience for her. So we had a good dinner, and right as we pull up to the parking lot for the dance, she says "I hope my ex-boyfriend is there so he can see what he missed out on." I was mad at her saying that her ex-boyfriend treated her like shit, and I got the vibe that, that's a total rebound comment to say to someone you've been going out with for almost 7 months. I didn't say anything though cuz I didn't want to screw up the night. So we go in and mention how awkward it is to be dancing with each other. So we start dancing and then she wants to stop, she did this like 6 times we got up danced, then sat back down. So one of her friends comes up and sits down, and she starts talking to her friend and the music was so loud I couldn't hear what she said. Then I hear her say "We have no chemistry", that literally got me so fucking mad my face started turning red, how could she even say that after all I did for her that night. Then she said, oh there's one of your friends who i graduated with and said why don't you go talk to him. I was like no that's okay, and then told her that if she wanted to talk shit about me go ahead and say it while im sitting there with the 3. I was so damn mad lol. I then told her why I was mad and she said she meant to say we had no dancing chemistry.

I then told her that night that, I think she could do better then me I love her and everything but we obviously don't have a whole lot in common. Then she said "how you can you say that", and said after that night she realizes that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We straightened out and ended the night kinda crappy. She said the dance sucked because we were by ourselves and not in a group like she had done previously but she said everything else that day was fun. I started saying examples that night of how we don't have anything in common. That I like to go to parties and have fun but she doesn't. Then she responds i'll go to some parties with you and DD because I love you. So I believed that it wasn't bullshit.

Today like 3-4 days later this happened..

She is in band, and said she had 2 tickets 1 her mom was using and 1 for me. She then started saying hang out with me tonight and just hangout with your friends tommorow (yesterday she said that). I told her I don't mind going and will go she basically was telling me I shouldn't go and how it would be boring. I kept telling her how much I love her, and how I can't wait to see her. And she responds with same nice responses back to me. So today I smoke with my friend, and I tell her that later we smoked. She was mad I could tell, but I tried to talk it out and we just argued then she said she was going to cuz she had to get up early which she does. So I wasn't done arguing with her. She says she is against drugs, but informed me that she drank with her parents. Keep in mind she has also said more then twice that we should drink together sometime over the 7 months i've been going out with her. I said there is no difference in marijuana from alcohol when used responsibly. She then tells me she never wants to be around me when I'm under the influence of weed or alcohol or anything.

This is now just so damn annoying. She keeps saying shit that I think she says to make me feel better. I sent her probably like 7 texts for her to wake up tommorow with. I told her to stop trying to control me, how I am beginning to lose trust in the things she says, and that it's uncalled for her to say she doesn't want to see me under the influence, but has said she'd DD with me and friends, and wants to drink with me?

She also has said that if I do anything else other then marijuana (illegal) that she'll dump me. I have reduced smoking since I met her, as less then a handful of times a month thing, because I know it makes her mad, I also announced that I am going to just do it as a one time thing a year starting soon. She said to me that I stopped because of her like she has control over me. I responded saying stop trying to control me, I don't use less or prohibit my drug use because of her 'making' me do it. I said I do it because I value her, and our relationship. And told her we need to talk about all this because it's effecting our relationship.

I am just starting to think there needs to be some change in her behavior and if she isn't willing to change then I am going to have to break up with her. I am sick of playing these drama games (I love her and it'll be hard to dump her but this relationship just has been hitting road bump after road bump the last couple of weeks).

Any comments or thoughts about the above?

Edit: Also is there something I am doing wrong that I don't see? I am not going to change who I am or what I do in the sense of my beliefs for anyone. I do not expect anything less or more from her.

 

Either you should both except eachother like you are with your differences, also on the drugs things that seemed to have triggered quite discussion; both between you two and on the forum.. the key is acceptance from both sides.
She shouldn't be making you choose. A few times a month isn't a whole lot at all and you're not pressuring her to do it right? If you truly are too different and you really feel its out of ballance, I'd say quit it in time.

I've had a seirously bad relationship before with similair problems. He was depressed and had been for years, and smoked so much weed he turned completely apathic to not feel his depression. Now this wasn't a problem for me at all in the beginning, I talked to him a lot and made him feel better and in my opinion we had a nice time. He never saw it that way and after about half a year he started blaiming me for a lot of things, he was always off worse and I couldn't do anything right.
Whenever he felt bad he completely put it out on me. At that point; I still wanted the best for him, so I accepted all of the hurtful things he said, I thought we had a connection and I was affraid to loose that. In the end he started to hit me aswell, more then a year had passed by then.
We had a lot of arguments about nothing where I'd come with a schientific explanation and he would just say that there probably was a counterargument but he never looked it up. Even though I was annoyed that he wouldn't even attempt to find something to say back I let him win in the end, just to get it over with.
By the end, after about 1.5 years I hadn't slept for weeks because he put out so much on me, he also used my fear of being left I still had by then by not letting hear from him for weeks and then get pissed off at me for asking where he was after all that time while I just ment it in a 'so what did you do' nice kind of way.
I then broke up with him, he treathened me with suicide and later said a lot of mean things like that I would be 'a soulless arrogant weak anorexic whore who had inhirited a lack of compassion from people from her father'. Now thats not true. I'm not anoxic, I'm not weak, and I deffinatly care for people. He also told me I never loved him, that he only did it for the sex and some other things that.. well had just had crying for a long time. Also seeing as my father moved away with his new wife and my half sister the other side of the world and I hadn't heared frmo him for months.. it all just hurt a lot.

Now comes the point of advice, wh en I brkoe up with him which is well over a year ago now; I got a new boyfriend 1.5 weeks later. This relationship was absolutely the complete oposid of the bad one I had with the other guy. This guy was .. pretty much me, but then male and 2 years older. We liked exactely the same things, the same favorite song of a cd, same philosophies, we do the same things etc. We have some differences but we accept them completely, never go on about something, like.. he likes fish and I really, really hate fish, but he won't make me eat fish or anything. On the other hand we both do LSD and weed but I like to do LSD every month and he wants to do it 4 times a year, we just make compromises, don't tell eachother down for what the other thinks..
In over a year now we never had a single argument, know absolutely everything about ecahother and the love is still growing.

What i'm saying is; if you're too different and the communication isn't going well.. it migh be better to end it and find someone better.

 

to be honest it sounds like you dont want to be in the relationship anymore. and if you dont want to be there, arent willing to put forth the effort and energy required (both of you, that is), then theres no sense in dragging it out and straining the other

 

Is it really worth it? Just ask yourself that. She shouldn't try to change you, you can't change her. Sounds like you should just talk to her about all this, and then maybe you should decide what to do. If you're thinking about breaking up, thats a sure sign that things aren't working for you. Good luck with everything.

 

I really like her, but she's coming off as someone who has to always get her way. I wish the relationship would be better but it's not, I'm going to talk to her about it. Saying that I love her but she can't keep doing this saying things and then all the sudden changing her mind 2 months later and expect me to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She also has like all guy friends that are her best friends and they all used to like her. It's so uncomfortable for me, i've told her and she said she'd never leave me for any of them. I always pictured that one of them put a move on her and she went with it. I would never know I don't go to school with her anymore.

I'm also going to say that she needs to stop thinking, that she can control me by saying she's going to dump me, or be mad at me for something that is a part of me and the things I do. I stopped asking her to smoke along time ago, because if she wanted to do it she would. I don't try to change a damn thing about her. And that she also needs to stop saying things she doesn't mean. "I'm against drugs!!", "we should drink together sometime", "I drank with my parents what's the big deal", "I will DD with you because I love you", "I never want to see you drunk or high!".<< Oxymorons to the max.

 

shocking revelation: women and humans change their mind, especially with 2 months to ponder on something
another shocker: if you dont trust her not to fuck someone else just because you arent in school anymore, youre just as nervous and attempting to be controlling (you dont want her being friends with these guys because you cannot monitor their actions, sine you arent in the same building) as you say she is
serouisly. you dont want to be in this relationshpi. all you seem to do is complain about her imprefections and how you two dont mesh. im not saying shes perfect, but ims aying your attitude suggests to me that you dont want to be dating her

 

Look I didn't even read your whole post. I was in a similar situation and I didn't end it soon enough and i rode it out, until we were going out for so long i didn't know how to break up with her. Just end the relationship, anyway you can. Trust me shes not for you.