Confused (who isn't these days?)

Ok, yes I am new, and very greatful for finding this forum. I'm not even sure how to start, and certain this will turn into a long post. Let's get the most obvious thing down first: I'm confused about my sexual orientation. Why? Well...hmm there's so much in my head I'm not even sure how to get it all down, so I apologize if I confuse people.


This confusion has been going on for about a year now, but it's happened before yet only for shorter periods. Let me try to say points about when I was younger.

I remember at around 2 kissing two little girls (I'm a girl) but I don't remember liking it or not liking it, too far. I do remember thinking "We'll get in trouble if we get caught". I never really thought about it ever again until recently. Next, when I was growing up I can't really tell if I had actual crushes on boys. I mean, I thought I did, I used to imagine them and stuff. I can remember in grade three imagining having sex (or at the age what i assumed sex was) with the boy I liked. And when I was five I used to say I wanted to marry a boy named Ryan, also I remember asking for advice from an older cousin on how to get a boy Shawn to look at me. I can't ever recall having fantasies about girls for the fact I wanted to be with them. I do recall at around 14 fantasizing making a music video where I was the main character and I had sex with my best friend (girl) and then later with my boyfriend cause it seemed cool. Ok I'm getting a little all over the place and not really staying on track of what to say, the thoughts are basically coming out into type as I think them.

When I was little I was somewhat a tomboy, I wasn't very girly and I always wanted to be with the boys although I never really actually was one of the guys, and always ended up being friends with the girls or just a loner. So I never felt like I was like the other girls, and at the same time I wasn't really like the guys. At the age 10 my cousin went on a porn site with me and I was very much turned on, in fact I know sex turns me on almost in any form. (I'm a horny devil =) ) So it doesn't help clear stuff up. Most of my life I figure I was straight, I knew what a lesbain was when I was little and never thought I was one, it never crossed my mind. I liked boys and just boys. But after the porn thing life just turned a little different. I know it's normal for girl's to like porn, but at the age I wasn't sure. After, when I was in grade seven I figured I was bisexual because I liked porn (the moaning really got to me too). Anything to do with sex turned me on, including nudity. Considering the way scoiety is, I was subjected to more female nudity than male so now it makes me contemplate if I liked female nudity. I do know that if I saw women stripping I'd think "enough of that just cut to the sex!"

Also, I still don't know exactly why I started saying I was bisexual. I've never had a crush on a girl that I was aware of. I've never thought "I have a crush on her!" I've also never had a desire to sleep with a girl, and a few times I've looked at boobs and thought "...I don't see the big deal" so I wasn't attracted to boobs. In the girl's change room I do remember checking out other girls bodies and being envious, never like "I want that on me" or something. In grade eight my best friend told all these guys I was her lesbian girlfriend and I went along with it thinking "They'll think it's cool", and even kissed her infront of them..Nothing special. Wasn't like "I love this" but wasn't repulsed either. Didn't care. However I only did it because the guy asked me to. I loved attention from guys and wanted them to be attracted to me. Now I am terrified of a girl being attracted to me.
(Sorry if I'm saying too much _-_ it's just a lot coming out at once)
The day I realized I probably wasn't bisexual was I stopped in my tracks in my highschool hallway and thought "....I don't even like girls in that way. I'm not bisexual, I can't tell anyone or they'll get mad I lied" I mean, I even remembering highschool someone asking "Ok so do you have a crush on a girl?" and I remember thinking one girl was really pretty and for the sake of trying to prove I was bisexual I lied and said I had a crush on her. I dug myself into a pit.

I had a boyfriend for 5 years I loved very much and many times wanted to express it through sex which we never did for his own reasons. I liked telling boys I was bisexual, because I thought they liked it, and avoided telling girls cause they'd think I liked them. I even told my mom and school principle actually thinking I was. I've never gotten aroused by a man's body, and that is a reason to make me worry. I have seen a mans soulders, back, abs, or chest adn thought "OMG That's hot!" but never gotten aroused. And I think the few times I was aroused by a female (always media portrayed, never in person) nudity was because I associated it sub-conciously with porn or sex which I was always turned on by.

I have been masturbating since an early age (can't recall how that started) and as a little kid used me with a male to play it out. I do recall at one point pretending I was the man and had a wife or something, but I think I was playing out what I usualyl saw on tv I have no idea. And I remember a clip from a movie where a guy was watching a girl undress and then jump into a pool a turn on for me. (Yes this is all weird and confusing for me too) but never thought anything of it. And then the first time I was worried I might be a lesbian was when I was shown a lesbian comic by a friend. The comic had sex scenes with no actual drawing but enough to let you know they were doing it and I used that to masturbate. That night it hit me wondering if I was gay because of that and in the end before falling asleep I was certain I wasn't because I was in love with a guy and didn't want a girlfriend at all. The girl in the comic was straight and had a boyfriend in highschool she loved but her best friend was a lesbian and on the night of prom he couldn't perform for her so she cried and went to her friends house who she ended up sleeping with and ever since then was a lesbian.

Second time I worried was when I watched Oprah and a woman was on it who was straight most of her life and married and had kids and then realized she was a lesbian and her husband realized he was gay. I worried about that for a week and then calmed down and tested myself by watching an attractive female teacher and checking out her breasts and not getting any of that 'feeling' and figured "nope not gay".

Third time was watching Little Miss Sunshine and knwoing the uncle was gay. I started worrying then, and not sure why. It's been going on ever since. Lately, after talking about it with a close friend we'll both usualyl come to the conclusion I'm not gay and homophobic (of only lesbians, i love gay guys) and paranoid over nothing and only turned on by sex itself. I dunno, really confused. My current boyfriend can turn me on when I watch him masturbate (no i've never had sex, not ready yet but we find other ways) so...Maybe I'm bisexual? But I thought I already decided that wasn't it. I remember when I was saying I was bi telling a friend "it's like 80% guys for me and 20% girls". I recently discovered I like man on man porn a lot, and I dunno if I really like it or if my paranoia is saying I better. But I would definitely search for it over straight porn. As for lesbian porn? I've seen it a few times and can't recall ever getting turned on by the girls body. I do think about girls "wow she's gorgeous!" or "she has an amazing body" but..I don't ever feel attracted to it. I can't see myself being with a girl, it doesn't seem natural for me. But now I've become paranoid every little interaction with people I used as a test like if I hug someone of the same or opposite sex. I avoid hanging out with girls, and I find I love talking to guys more and being around guys. Recently when I visited another country I was boy crazy and the lesbian thing didn't phase me. I fantasized about sneeking out late at night with a guy there and being romantic with him. Not once have I ever thought of that with a girl. I've tried to imagine being with a girl but didn't like it.

I'm so confused. _-_ I'm emotionally attracted to guys, but it seems perhaps I'm a little physically attracted to girls. I'm sure there's tons more I could say or want to say and can't remember. This is long enough and probably boring you, not to mention you're shaking your head at me. _-_ Sowwwyy. But maybe you guys could ask me questions to help me think it through?

P.S. I dunno if it really affects it but as a child I was molested by an older female cousin, an aunt, and one male cousin.

 

Ok I just looked at another forum about H-OCD and it sounds like me. I think maybe I have OCD in general too, I worry a lot about getting diseases and stuff. _-_ Thing is, I don't want to have to take medication. If I do have this OCD think there's a chance I can fight it by basically shrugging the problems off with acknowledgement that it's the OCD?
...Do I even have it? Gosh problems everywhere.

 

Bottom line? You may be a person, who, like me, just likes different people for different reasons. The people I like may be male, female, transgender... sexual attraction for me is about so much more than a dick and a pussy (to be blunt!) and is about emotion, personality, spiritual connection- and just plain fun! If you're not attracted to beautiful breasts, etc, then I think you're nuts (JUST KIDDING! LOL)... no seriously, if you're not attracted to women, that's fine- you're probably not bi. But I like to think labels are what you make them. And if you label yourself something today, that doesn't mean you can't change it tomorrow if you find you have changed, grown, or re-evaluated. The only opinion that really counts is your own.

As for the OCD thing... I know I have some mental issues and i don't personally take meds bc I live in the USA and have no medical insurance and it's just too much hassle. I find eating a good diet helps me, and exercising and being with my animals. But everyone is different.... no one online can diagnose you or not.

PS, welcome, and PM me any time!

 

You sound a lot like me, mooshface (by the way, sweet handle!). Like you, I am a very sexual person, and like you, I started watching porn at an early age. Porn can really do a number on you as far as opening your mind to new possibilities, but it can also be very confusing and cause your desires to run rampant. I think sometimes people like us do get confused because our feelings are so strong but also all over the place and hard to pin down. Sometimes I have had fantasies that I was just crazy about, and then when I had a chance to do it, I couldn't get into it at all. Other times I have written off certain experiences as not for me, but then when the opportunity arose, I found myself very turned on by the idea. I think you are analyzing your orientation way too much. You are probably at least a little bit bisexual judging by your story, but who knows, maybe not.

One thing that confused me was when you said you've seen guys' bodies and thought "oh that's hot," but you weren't aroused. I thought that something being hot and something being arousing were pretty much the same thing. This makes me think you are really splitting hairs.

My advice to you is to stop thinking about it so much. Sexuality is a continuum, a spectrum, and so is sexual orientation. The great thing about it is that you don't HAVE to pin down exactly who you like or what you like. Just go with the flow, and if it feels good, give it a try! So yeah, I would say just chill out on all of the analysis and be who you are without obsessing over the labels and exactly what you are feeling, because usually, that only leads to more confusion. It will probably take another ten years for you to fully figure out what you like sexually. I know I am still growing and changing sexually, and I am 22 and have been sexually active for quite some time. It's all a great learning process which is overall a whole lot of fun, although of course there can be major bumps along the road. That's just life though. Anyway, I'm digressing... chill out, love yourself, and let your sexuality come to you. It will find you, don't worry

 

I think you might need a little more time to decide, but I think it's possible you're straight. I've been attracted to a few girls before, but never had a desire to act on it. Women are beautiful, it's a fact. And plenty people like porn, I do. I've even watched a handful of lesbian porn. It's 99% not my thing, but every now and then something will grab my attention. I prefer gay porn (guys) to straight porn, but I consider myself straight. You don't have to want to be a part of something to enjoy watching it.