"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I am mourning the loss of my Potted plants. ​

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Too hung over to even MOVE!!!

True story, didn't get fired XD

J.C

 

i shat myself....once again

 

"I'm having an out of body experience"

 

I am busy getting my dog high.

 

I quit last week

 

My arse hurts!!! :-(

I had a sex change...

The working-class scene gets me down...

People scare me...

I thought I took acid! Turns out it's DOX... I'm still squeezing my balls! AHH!!!

I had some scary nightmares!

The dog ate my clothes!

I just got busted with 3 lbs. of dope (the hard shit, not green!)...

Stayed up giving anal all night...

The ex just showed up...

I couldn't get the coffee maker to work!!!

Ran outta coke...

My house burnt down from a mishappen 'toaster' incident!

I'm locked in a cell!

The mental institute won't let me leave! Blue papered and drugged!

The oranges rotted, once again... fucking A!

Wicked, duuuuude!

 

QVC has some wicked deals, yo

 

wind blew a tree across the road, can't get out of the holler........

 

I am on strike.

 

I have such a horrible headache.. I couldn't possibly come to work... ​

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I got the male menopause goin on......

 

I am buried in the sand up to my neck

 

I have found a new religion and today is classed as "Couldn't be F*cked coming to work today" Day.

 

angry monkies stole my car keys

 

My hair is caught in my fly again.

 

my hair is caught in a time vacuum

 

Masturbation has made me go blind.....for the 8th time this week. And its only Monday.

 

all my clothes are a the dry cleaners

 

I'm just in the emergency room now I, um, sat on a really skinny can and it somehow made its way up my butt.