I just don't give a shit.

I've been depressed for several years now and nobody I know in real life knows it. It started when I was twelve and it's just gotten worse and worse. I've been on-and-off suicidal since thirteen. It started when I realized I was bisexual. From there little and not-so-little incidents have been and continue to add up.

I don't give a shit about anything and I'm slowly losing friends. My grades are slipping severely. I went from nearly straight A's to low C's and D's. Right now I'm at a point that I can't handle it and I've had several nervous breakdowns in the past week. I just kind of collapse and lay there for 30+ minutes.

The only reason I haven't commited suicide is because I'm too much of a pussy. I want to, I REALLY want to. I'm just too much of a coward. And I'm emotionally weak. I can't handle anything anymore. I used to be strong. But after being smacked down by life every time I start to recover has simply killed my spirit.

Fuck. ae=]y0e3-yyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

I suggest talking to your parents and going to counciling. It sounds scary at first but it has been a life saver for me. If talking to your parents is not an option you could always try St Johns Wort (found in health food stores...don't take with antidepressants though or you'll OD). But talking with someone and getting medical help is always the best thing.

I wish you the best hon. From someone who has been there (tried to commit suicide once even) I can tell you that getting help helps.

*hugs*
Jess

 

Talking to my parents could ruin my life. They would increase how much of my anti-depressant I take, which I already greatly despise. They would take me to therapists every day who may want to do drastic things because I harm myself once every few months when things get really bad, and I'm suicidal of course. I'm sure they'd invade my privacy in multiple ways.

It wouldn't help.

 

Maybe an increase in anti depressants is what you need? If you're depressed then they're obviously not working (I hate my meds too but need them or I wind up in the hospital). Seeing a therapist would help, though I agree that seeing one a lot could do more harm than good. As for your parents invading your privacy...well that's just not right. I couldn't see myself doing that to my kids though they're still young.

*hugs* and good luck hon!

 

I'm kind of there sometimes.
My means of dealing with it was to find people who needed me, so I had a sense of purpose. Actually moved in with a woman with kids, and know for sure they benefitted from it, mostly the youngest girl.
So that's cool.

But holy shit are they annoying, now I'm just depressed I'm trapped in this. (lol sorta).

 

I really understand what you're going through,hell I could've written that post practically lol.With bipolar I'm prone to depression.I've had breakdowns that I now have been struggiling to recover from (for awhile).Simple things I used to take for granted I have an incredible struggle with and in some ways I've totally progressed.Some good some bad,but the bad really sucks.Anyway as much as I have gotten smacked down by life(I can't count that high lol)I believe in things,not myself all the time but I know I've been trying so hard to do the right things for myself and others.I get depressed when my best results in failure since my intentions are real good.I get depressed cause people have hurt me and I've hurt people.I still believe in the things I was trying to do,everything I wished I could do and all I still want to do.I believe in things like beauty,love,understanding,peace and lots of other stuff.I know I'm not alone eventhough the world can be cold and cruel.It can also be kind and comforting and so forth.I hope this does'nt sound ridicolous to you but it's the only real thing that gets me through.I'm *still comitted to fight for these things cause I believe in them so much and sometimes I wish I did'nt give a shit(but I do).I was going to commit suicide a few years ago I was real miserable the only thing that stopped me was my little brother.I could'nt do that to him I know it would destroy him.I had a close friend in highschool that killed himself and it messed with me bad,real bad.I maybe ramblin' a little here,I've been told about a million times I'm to hard on myself and that could really bring someone down,you know?,fear could kill you too.Now though when i feel that miserable I really try to be good to myself eventhough I so much don't want to.It gets easier with practice.I feel whatever I have to,which is ok and try to have fun anyway.Even people who never have or will be diagnoised clinically depressed get depressed and feel like shit.Find something to believe in.There has to be something,and if you don't want to believe,believe anyway.I'm not talking about religion but if that floats your boat great.Music,anything you want it to be.Find a place within that nobody can hurt or take away.It's probably already there you may just have to find it.
Best of Luck

 

Sorry for the long post by the way.
Joey

 

Don't be sorry. It was great; thanks.

 

please seek counseling, talk to your parents. AT THE VERY LEAST talk to your friends. please, do it for yourself because you are only hurting your self. you've done step one, that's admitting you have a problem (depression). i've been there... i still am for a big part. its no fun i'll tell u that, and i always think, if i could go back in time and have gone to counseling i would have. my parents never took me even though i begged them. i think my mental health would be a lot better by now... instead, im just set back a few months/years until these wounds can heal. talk to someone, at the very least.. you're still young. i have faith in you that you will kill these demons (figureatively, ofcourse. thats how i refer to the thoughts and events that cause things like depression.. disorder in the mind..). but yes, you will i have faith in you. i want to hear updates, if you dont mind... i just found i really relate to your story i was the same in high school.. i would of liked a nonbias anonymous friend to talk to when it was me... if u wan2 talk feel free to PM me n we can chat it up

peace

 

Thanks CBL,that's really cool.I'm prone to writing long post so I always feel like I'm writing a book I am trying to cut it down a bit maybe to short stories or something lol.So I apologize for being sorry lol.Anyway I do also agree counseling might help(that depends on you of course).I'm in counseling myself and I'd be lost without it.You have to really want to overcome the "demons" as bongwater89 put it.It's tough to get to the root of our depression cause we build alot of defenses.If you try gently to find the sources of your depression and work through issues and problems you could slowly begin to heal.It sounds easy but it's not.It's a journey.
Keep us updated,You're not alone,Hang in there my friend.

 

I have been there too. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Please look to those close to you for help. If you do not have anyone close to you, try and get to a clinic or something like that. Depression is a state of mind and can be fixed. Here are some lyrics from a favorite song of mine that I hope you can cling on to to help you through this stage. It always helps me get through those rough times!

Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there's good times around the bend
The rollercoaster's got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again

~Good Times Around the Bend - String Cheese Incident

Also, do you have any hobbies? Go take a walk through some nature trails or hike for a while. Take a weekend off from your daily grind and go camping. Nature is very theraputic. Take a dip in a stream, or lake. Get outside and have fun! I took up Mountain Biking and it got me through a tough point in my life. I even lost about 60 pounds. PM me if you wanna talk about any of this/get any pointers. Peace and love.

Jibber

 

I do have some close friends I can talk to. One friend in particular. We can talk to each other about anything. He tells me things he can't tell anybody else. I made a mental list of all my problems I'm dealing with right now, and I'm going to try to fix them one by one. I have C's and D's now and finals are coming up next week, so I need to get my shit together.

I enjoy walking in the woods near my house but with 6 inches of snow it's not so enjoyable, so lately I'm just sitting inside playing video games and talking to my friend on the computer all day.

 

well I find having friends fix's everything. I mean when your with your friends you dont think about depressing shit right?

 

I got my shit together at the last second and I did well on my finals. As far as I know all my grades are A's and B's again.

A while ago I began dramatically getting better. I stepped back and looked at my problems and I started working on fixing them. But of course what always happens is happening; I take a steep dive for the worst as soon as I start to get better. I'm not seriously considering suicide anymore, but it sounds very appealing.

I'm watching myself get worse and worse every day and I can't do anything about it.

 

Dude,If you're getting your shit together again and that's going good what's bringing you back down.I mean it sounds all positive to me. ?

 

I don't even know, dude. I must subconciously look for ways to fuck everything up for myself or something....

I can't even take a fucking joke anymore thanks to so many years of bullying when I was younger. Friends jokingly insult me and it hurts really bad even though I know full well they don't mean it.

 

Yeah dude same here. For me smoking weed helped. I'v probaly gone through everyone you've gone through though im not bi.

 

i was there at your age. everything seems to be going okay but for some reason you're not happy with it, things seem to fuck up.. you know. it's psychological.

you're young (i know you probably dont want to hear that) but that's HOPEFULLY will get better. i know i didnt calm down until 17/18, even though i still get depressed and i have terrible mood swings and anger problems.

i had to stop taking my antidepressant medicine because it made me a totally different person. do you remember how you were like without depression medicine? maybe it's making you worse. what kind do you take and how many mgs is it?

we're all here and we all wanna help. if anything posting on here and getting your problems out could help more than anything. if you ever need to talk, i'm around.

 

I don't remember what I was like without it because my depression has ruined me. I don't even remember who I was before I became depressed, which began right in the middle of taking my medication. I don't even know what it is, my parents just force me to take it against my wishes. Sometimes I just throw it out the window and act like I took it because it doesn't do shit anyway.

Thanks. I hope it'll get better as I get older too.

 

I met somebody that makes me very happy. For now, everything is just great. This isn't like it suddenly happened today, but before she said yes I was terrified to even speak of hope in case we ended up just friends (which would have also made me happy, but you know). I was afraid to get close to her and I tried to detach myself from her in my mind but I ended up talking to her anyway.

And I'm sooo glad.