"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I am having a republican surgically removed from my ass

 

ive used this one alot. and i have never gotten questioned.
"im sorry i cant come in today.. i have explosive diareah."
yea my spelling is off but you get the picture

 

Someone shit in my pants...

 

a mime has me trapped in an invisible box

 

I locked my keys outside of my car and can't escape.

 

I've got blackmail material on the boss and I'm hungover as hell.

 

i seem to be missing my feet, and i can't find them anywhere...

 

I am stuck in shroom land

 

There seem's to be some kind of flying monkey's outside my house......

 

i'm training for this year's christmas party.

 

Hogans Heros is on.

 

its an all day matlock marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I ran out of toilet paper.............

 

my piercing is caught in the garbage disposal

 

I have my gf's pubes stuck between my teeth. Do you really want me serving french fries?

 

I can't find the light switch.

 

I forgot how to drive ​

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My vagina fell off

 

I swallowed my car keys

 

have to report to the induction center, got drafted......