am I in the wrong?

So I have some pictures of girls, girls I don't know, on my computer. You know, girls you find in stuff magazine or Maxim or sports illustrated swim suit, or something..they are well hidden, never left open.

she found them, left em open for me to see when I returned, and is she asleep, obviously pissed.

Am I an asshole? Am I in the wrong?

 

whaaaa this makes no sence, carl. i mean is it just that she found your porn [or soft porn] stash??? lol, cause thats what it sounds like

umm if thats the case, i think your more concerned about being caught than an asshole lol

 

Your mistake was you shared your computer with your girlfriend without creating separate user accounts (with secure passwords that you would never give to anyone including each other) for you both.

Anyway, talk to her and see how she feels about you looking at porn.

 

You can look at the menu at a restaurant, as long as you eat at home.

Understand?

 

It's really no big deal, and don't let the woman make a big deal out of it either.

You're a guy, you're gonna look at pretty girls... it's natural, you can't help it. It doesn't mean that you don't love her or don't find her attractive.

Stand up for yourself on this one.

 

funny thing is, she has her own lap top.

when I changed my password, she wondered why, so I eventually told her.

and as far as the pics, I am with you bsr, it really isn't that big of a deal, hell, I deleted them, I could care less. Still for her, trust me, IT IS a big deal. she has made it that. now she feels she can't trust me, and she is making me feel like a huge sleaze ball. as if I am real deviant and this isn't normal for someone to do in a relationship.

and me telling this story on the net, even without names, and as vague as I can be, would be a big deal.

 

The "big deal" is probably that you kept them and had them hidden. If you are not ashamed of it then don't hide it. If having porn on your computer bugs your girlfriend then I suggest that you look online and don't save the pictures (bookmarks are great).

I think a lot of women have issue because they feel lied to. Try talking to your girlfriend. If she says "no porn" it backs you into a corner, but maybe you will get lucky. The problem is that if she says no then you have to sneak around if you want to look at porn. If she catches you sneaking around she feels lied to, and can't trust you..if you can't look at porn you feel denied, so then you get sneaky about looking..... Blah blah blah...this goes round and round.

There is no easy answer. Men look at porn, and it pisses (some/many) women off. There are a lot of reasons for this, some valid and others not. Talk to her, remember that in many ways she is "trained" to be mad about porn. (Trust me, society trains women to deny sexuality in many ways.) Be understanding, acknowledge how she feels, tell her how you feel (without being defensive, as what you did is pretty standard male stuff)and try to find a middle ground (like not saving images, but looking online is okay)

I know it seems tempting to just sneak it behind her back, but it is better to be open about it. You're on a slippery slope, so tread carefully. Be who you are, but remember in a relationship you have to consider how your actions affect your partner....so does she.

Good luck! I have a feeling you'll need it. Oh, and this is not a matter of right or wrong....because you both are....right and wrong. This is about being able to work through issues in your relationship like communication, honesty, and compromise.

I wanted to add something....

If she found your "stash" and it was well hidden don't you wonder why she was looking? Because she had to look for it didn't she? So, since she found it....What made her seek it out? Think about it, honestly. What made her search for it? (I have a ton of files on my computer, and rarely look at my husbands as I find no reason to.) So, why was she looking? Her paranoia/insercurities or your actions?

 

^^yeah i kinda agree with "His Eden", there must have been a reason before hand that she was searching for porn...i mean, its not just like she saw it when yo left it open accidentally. and i think thats the bigger picture here.

i mean, yea no woman would feel happy about her guy having porn, but if you explained to her that its just porn is porn and is porn [which im sure you have already] she shouldnt make it as big a deal as you are saying she is...

AND she'd have a problem with you posting it here??? well, maybe she just doesnt really know all of you...maybe you have other faucets of secrecy that she subconsicously feels insecure about [ for what reason, you have to figure out from her and address it]

there has gotta be something else to make her not even willing to compromise with you on this..

 

On second thought, I think I may have left it open. she doesn't just search for things or dig, as she is into privacy, I know that.

she has told me a lot of deep stuff, but still knows I have some deep stories.

I just told her some very deep things the other day, and she could not believe I waited that long to tell her, and was surprised I had waited that long.

Today was better, I think..but with her, some things are under the surface and not evident..it may still be in her mind. But time shall tell.

I think it was a rough moment and hot heads prevailed, and I can admit to getting hot headed when we were in the heat of the moment, and got frustrated when she could not see things from my POV..thing is, she said the same of me. both of us feeling like the other is to unyielding...

I hope she can compromise on the issue. or maybe it can be forgotten...

 

Forgetting (in this context) is impossible. Better to compromise, I think. Or at least agree to disagree.

 

Well talking about it is important. She needs to understand that men look at pictures of naked or half naked girls and porn, thats just how most men are. Its not easy for some women to understand that and sometimes I struggle with it even though I know that thats how men are and it doesn't mean he likes me less or anything. It really shouldn't be a big deal so just talk to her.

 

well then, i think that maybe yea you guys should just compromise, and thus requires being open...cause if your not completely honest now and this issue comes up once again...well, some serious trust problems coould stain your relationship for a long time...
time shall tell, though...

 

You guys should look at porn together.

 

She's an idiot is she thinks looking at a pic of a girl is a problem. She sounds about 16. She need therapy or a serious reality check.

The real infraction is that she invaded your privacy and she can no longer be trusted. Make her apologize.

 

^^whoa, dude...okay yea she doesnt have to be called an idiot though! and if you really look at it deeply, its not about a "reality check" its what makes her feel comfortable

and in a relationship certain things like that [despite whatever the fuck "everyone else" is doing] that should be taken into consideration and compromised! and therein lies the dilemia....it'll work itself out

 

oh and this is porn we are talking about, not just some picture

 

He stated that he left the pictures open so what is she supposed to apologize for? Just because a woman doesn't like porn does not mean she needs therapy or a reality check.

 

^^ exactly

 

tbh, almost every man looks at porn. sex is awesomely fun. hell, ive looked at my bfs porn on his computer, because he told me where it was and that i could look at it if i wanted to (not horrible, but not exactly my preference in porn)

honestly, just talk to her about it. you look at porn to masturbate so that you arent burdening her by constantly hounding her for sex... well, thats prety much how it works out for my bf and me at least

 

With me it worked the opposite. My girlfriend was hounding me for sex, and I preferred porn.

Eventually we broke up for related issues. It couldn't be helped.