I dont think its that good but its something! Any advice or comments positive or negitive are welcome! Thanks for reading Please dont copy If I had a dream Could I gain some self-esteem cause right now I'm feelin lonely my minds breaking at the seam and If we had a chance Could you show me how to dance the moon is really bright right now we should take a glance and If I wasn't scared I'd see how my talents fared I see beuty in their eyes,yet to this day I've never dared and If I knew the way I'd knw exactly what to say But right now my buzz is comin on I let my mind just fade away
its pretty good maybe you wanna get deeper and more explain what the moon looked instead of it being just "bright" yah know but it was good a good ending i think is always important like you had was fantastic and it doesnt always have to rhyme.. sometimes you get the best out of free verse
Your ryhme scheme is lousy... the thid line demands a fifth, i.e., If I had a dream Could I gain some self-esteem cause right now I'm feelin lonely my minds breaking at the seam [am I the only?] There's no need for the repeated "and"... The grammar needs attention... And the dope allusion cheapens the meaning. But the content is deliciously explicit, the meaning clear. Try again-- but don't stop trying!
Well the rhyme may be a little "second grade-ish" but this poem i sertanly see as a great lyrics of a song. You catch a rytham - that's something!
I don't care much for rhyme schemes, I also like poetry free of any constraints. Yours is very special and I liked it a lot.
First rate poetry has both rhyme and meter. Meter is the rhythm of the syllables used. See for example, poets such as Robert Service, Edgar Poe or John Tolkien. Prior to the twentieth century, poetry free of any constraints, which is now known as free verse, would not usually have been accepted as poetry. These days, would-be poets don't seem to bother with rhyme and meter, beyond simple two line couplets. There is a whole vocabulary for metric schemes. See, for example, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrical_foot. I'm not saying I know how to write poetry using them. This site also has a 'poetry' thread which is where your work probably should be posted.
