Wife couldn't care less about intimacy

Hi.

I figured i'd just give a brief history of the relationship between my wife and I and then describe my dilema.

I had a very wild time from age 16-19, had quite a few sexual partners and experimented with various non-narcotic drugs, alcohol, and the like. Had a close set of male friends and no plans for the future. I met my wife online 10 years ago (AOL was in it's heyday) and we were just friends. We lived in different states. I had several online friends at that point; I had met a couple in person but none were amorous. We were both about 18 at the time. Four months after meeting her, I bought my first car... I was so proud! She began to see less and less of me online--but within 11 days, the car was totalled (not my fault!). The insurance company overcompensated me and I felt like doing something crazy, so I spent the $80 for a plane ticket out to visit my friend. Within about 30 minutes of landing it was clear that our relationship was much more than we had previously thought; we spent the whole weekend after Thanksgiving inseperable. We saw each other again for a week at Christmas, and by the end of January the following year, I had moved out to be in the same city as her--I had an apartment, and she lived at home with her parents. Life was grand. Within three years we bought a house together and have been living together ever since. We were married in June 2007, just six months ago. I should also mention, when we got together in the beginning I stopped smoking and any and all drug use. I still drink occasionally but never to get drunk. My wife does not smoke, drink, or do drugs, and has never done so.

In the beginning, she was as eager for sex as I was. Without even prompting, she would give oral prior to sex (as would I). Sex every other day was the norm for us. As is typical, it slowed down over time and as we moved in together. Around five years ago it seemed to transition quite a bit... probably around year three she expressed her dislike for giving oral. I said no problem, and accepted that. Gradually she became very non-responsive in bed--more like non-participatory. She's lightly vocal, but isn't particularly into kissing during sex or even guiding me... forget about initiating anything. She orgasms regularly when i'm giving her oral, which is 99% of the time we have sex. She never wants "lights on" sex, though she's a knockout and i'm not unattractive either. I sometimes catch a glimpse of a pain grimace during sex, and sometimes she tells me that i'll have to hurry because it's starting to hurt (not for lack of natural lubrication). We have sex around once or twice a month. Any attempt to discuss our sex life invariably ends with her being defensive and me feeling like i'm pushing it too much, and after these discussions we go to bed feeling confused and defeated. We tend to avoid them nowadays.

I love my wife and will do anything for her. We have a wonderful life, have worked for everything we have, don't want kids (at the moment), have a couple of dogs, etc. I'm bowled over at times by how well we have it, and sometimes wonder if i'm being too... greedy? Needy? But I am given only the option of masturbation. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes at the computer. I don't think she masturbates, and she doesn't want to know when I do it either. She'll avert her gaze if there's a graphic sex scene in a movie. She hates pornography. She's obviously not a prude; in the past she's been an amazing lover, but if I met her for the first time today that is the word i'd use. I'm conflicted, any help???? P.S., leaving her is not and never will be an option.

 

if leaving her aint a option then you only have one other,, deal with it.

she is who she is and in my experience bringing up the subject will only prove to exacerbate the situation.

 

I am a wife who feels just like the wife you are describing.
I am totally unattracted to my husband, and have had no sex life with him for a while. I don't have any answers except to gently and kindly communicate your feelings to your wife and ask her whats up. Be blatantly honest, and bite your toungue if you are hurt by what whe says.

Communicate and ask her whats up. Ask her if she would lie to have a sex date once a seek or twice a week, put it on the schedule and for God's sake,
let her have her space when she needs it.

 

a lot of what you mentioned, im like too. and i like sex
im a submissive person in be dthough - i hate initiating sex. i cant handle intercourse for that long without getting sore (mostly lack of lubrication on that front), only orgasm through receiving oral sex, etc.
honestly, it sounds like you two arent communciating. does she have some fantasy she hasnt told you about? wants to be dominated maybe, or swept off her feet on a romantic night, or something? have you told her about any of your fantasies? told her you love when she xx's, or that she loves when you yy's?

 

Very common, if not the norm; at least in my experience.

The core of my advice lies on a foundation of love. With an awareness that one is honestly interested in a vital, healthy relationship, most difficult issues can be worked through. Simultaneously, it is important to be very aware of your needs, which it sounds like you are doing. Self-love is a prerequisite to loving others. I wonder if your wife is having issues with self-love?

If a woman is having problems in life, if she is feeling unsuccessful, stressed, worried, lost, purposeless, unneeded, etc. then sex will recede into the background as a priority. For a man it just totally sucks, I know, but it is just the way it is. We need to be patient and supportive without trying to solve their problems for them. Nonetheless, one must not simply retreat; there is much that can be done.

Once you have gone through the process of clearing. (What I mean with clearing is the communication work of expressing needs and getting clear and honest with each other. You know that you have done the "clearing" when you both feel open, understood, and confirmed in your love and commitment to grow with each other. (doesn't necessarily mean that fear and worry and such emotions are absent or that you feel super and great and satisfied) Be aware of underlying blocks to truly opening to the other person. For example, you mentioned that you don't have kids. This is just an example, but I know couples where one doesn't really want kids yet, but the other really would like to make a family and this just ends up being a real relationship, and sex, killer.) You can do lots of little things to show that love and commitment; flowers (I know it may sound cheesy, but most folks enjoy getting flowers right?), love notes, taking the time to be together and talk, making dates, going out, cleaning up the house, etc. etc. and remain alert to their influence on the intimacy levels. Respect her need for space. Don't lay expectation on her (oh man is that hard sometimes). But if intimacy is there then take advantage of it. And be aware of her need for different kinds of intimacy.

Another thing, and this may sound contradictory, many women are turned off to their man if he is too sensitive. The "sensitive guy" is a turn-off quite often (a problem with a "sensitive guy" is that he is non assertive with his needs and swallows too much and ends up being passive aggressive. It just isn't authentic because we all have needs). Like so much in life, we must live a simultaneous paradox; be sensitive and be a man, but don't be a "sensitive guy"...... I believe the trick here is maturity. Like Hot Tottie said, be blatantly honest with your feelings and needs, but at the same time don't get defensive,...be mature, be solution oriented. Take your share of the responsibility and hold her to her share of the responsibility as well, but it isn't about guilt, it is about identifying problems, needs, wishes, collective goals.

OK, advice advice advice. Please take all that I have written with a grain of salt.



PS; Hot Tottie mentioned this one too: Making dates, special times, romantic evenings, that is a good one.
Actually, Hot Tottie managed to sum up all I have written in a few short sentences.

 

While reading another forum here I came across this link:
http://www.upliftprogram.com/tips_triberelate.html

Has a few relationship tips

 

Man, this is tough. There's no loneliness like that you experience in a cold relationship.

In my experience, spilling your guts isn't going to help anything. She's already decided to push you away - if you share your discomfort, you'll just be putting pressure on her, you big meanie.

Either accept her emotional abuse until she finally ends the relationship, or move on now.

 

She's avoiding telling you something important, and possibly hurtful. That was what I've experienced from another angle.

 

I hate seeing stuff like this, wives that just are no longer into their husbands, and the man feeling beat down. First off, you should not feel guilty or greedy for wanting to have sex with your wife.

Therapy would probably be a good idea if working it out between yourselves does not work.

 

As a woman that is along those lines with hot_tottie, I must confess, I actually felt a kindle of sex drive and hope after buglooker's post - it's bang on. Infact, I think I'm gonna save that post for when I'm having a poor time communicating as it sums up alot of things very well.

 

you wrote that she said it was starting to hurt (and not for lack of lubrication), Im wondering if maybe it not a medical prob. ive been there done that. if it is then that is enough to cause concern in her and is prob weighing on her mind. especialy if she dont know why....

 

Mr. Sharp,

I'm copying this to Love and Sex. I'm sure you'll get some helpful advice there as well. Hope everything works out between you and your wife.