So like for a while i've completely destroyed a lot of my brain cells. I haven't been making the best decisions and basically am just completely nuts. So i have decided to lay off drugs and drinking (minus the occassional ganjjj every now and then) for a while just till i feel less insane, and well maybe even start thinking things through instead of just saying yes or whatever to everything haha. But now i wanna feel productive. I did well in school last semester (it was my first time being back in school in a year and i managed a 3.75 gpa, hoollaah) but i dont have to go back for like 2 more weeks, i sorta have a job- i work at home for my uncle so i guess i can do more of that. But other than that i feel basically useless. I just want to have something to do. I've been trying to make some art and i recently purchased A SHITTON of books to read, so theres that. But i wannnttttt more. All i can think of to do is just make more art/write and read some/clean my room/ and exercise. Also, i have no actual transportation. So thats a slight obstacle. But what do yall do to feel productive? I just wanna fel like i'm doing something with my self. I wanna tryyyy being good for a while. I think i'm going to start volunteering at the library (i wanna be a librarian so this seems like a good idea) and a local co-op so i can get veeggiies (i'm trying to be healthy-my body has seriously retaliated against my complete idiocy), but these all take vehicles since theyre not nearby. (I also wanna volunteer at a micro brewery but that doesn't seem like...what i'm aiming for hahaha). I also want to write a rock opera hahahahaha. So basically, what are some things you do that make you feel productive? Cause man i feel like a lazy mothafucka. Also, sorry for any spelling mistakes-its five am and i feel like half my brain walked out on me a while agoooo. I'VE GONE NUTS MAN. (This was longer than i wanted tooooo)
Well, it sounds like you already figured out some stuff to do, but sometimes by not doing, nothing is left undone. Just being a good student is probably enough, by society standards(?), in terms of productivity. I find creative/art type things to be the most fullfilling, wether its photography, writing, painting, making music or musical instruments, movies or whatever.
I think two things might be making you feel this way: 1) you're unfulfilled by your work and relationships; 2) you're keeping busy to escape your feelings. I know this might be tough to do right now, but eventually it might be good to face the feelings you were trying to escape from when getting into drugs in the first place. That's what drugs is about: ESCAPING certain feelings. P.S. Don't put pressure on yourself to "be good." That may be simply an excuse you're subconsciously creating to crack and "be bad" again. Don't think of your actions as categorical moral opposites --- rather think what you can learn from your experience with drugs. Think of it as a developmental phase that you have gone through. Good luck and keep us posted.
Heh, well i consider everything i do to be a learning experience. But i was just tired of the lifestyle i was leading. I just want to feel like i'm busy, i am completely unfulfilled by everything lately but i'm also not doing anything. Seriously, if i wanted i could just lie in bed for two weeks stoned watching tv and not ever move. I guess, i'm just bored, but i don't want to go back to drugs as an escape from boredom because i don't feel like the choices i've been making lately have been good ones. I've been having panic attacks, which i have never experienced before and just issues w/ my mental stability. So i do want an escape, but mainly i just want to have something to do
i think creative is the key. productive is not automaticly good. we could all be burried under tons of useless resaults of productivity, and for the most part i think we are. obviously there is a minimum required for survival, but beyond that level, creativity is worth mulitple times as much. of course atrophying the imagination with chemical substitutes is worth even less then either, and gratifies a hell of a lot less as well. people just keep getting conned into expecting to be gratified by it by those who exploit the lack of imagination of the general populas. =^^= .../\...
heh, i think at first it opened up new levels of creativity for me but then you sorta get the point and should stop. but i just started recreationally abusing things. but i agree. i painted and wrote a lot today and feel a lot better. So maybe i'll change it to what are some creative things you do?
I think creative and productive is a false duality (like all dualities). I endeavor to approach menial tasks and work creatively. I think the key is pursuing an activity that will give you small rewards gradually, as opposed to drugs which give you immediate gratification with a price tag. Like, now I have to clean the house. If I approach it as a delicate, gradual process, it's rewarding. If all I want is a clean house --- a finished product to be attained as soon as possible and with the least amount of effort: it's not rewarding. So...I think it's not so much a matter of what to do. As much as how you do it. What kind of stance you adopt toward adversity. Work (whether creative or mundane) is none other than adversity. A musician will face a great many challenges before being rewarded by his instrument. And that's ok. I also would suggest two things: 1) learn how to approach economic survival in a rewarding manner --- not as something to be avoided; 2) do not use tasks to escape your feelings. Rather, inquire into your emotions and welcome them (even if they feel "unpleasant"): How do you experience anxiety attacks? I've had 'em when I was younger, so I can share a little bit about them. P.S. Have you read Nietzsche? Nice screename.
Haha i have! I not only adore Nietzsche but i enjoy word play! So yay and thanks! And thanks for the advise, i'm just in a weird position in my life and i just don't know what to do about it except busy myself. And the first panic attack was last week and its relatively hard to describe. I wanted to desperately get out of the house i was in and felt like maybe i was dying, my heart was racing like nuts and it was accompanied by intense fear of everything, myself, my life, the shadows in the room, sudden movement by anything, and it lasted for a few hours. And then for days after i was still quite jumpy and anxious and unnerved by everything. Then i started to feel like normal again, but saturday my doggy got put to sleep so i guess everything started feeling bad again. So monday, without thinking again, i smoked some and then started feeling completely nervous again. But this time, my heart was beating like mad and i thought i was having a heart attack. It seems completely nuts now, but i felt like my nose was bleeding and i was swallowing blood and i imagined that my eyes were swelling up, but then i went to the bathroom and realized i was fine i just had a headache. I seriously, just get very anxious and then instead of thinking rationally at all, i just go to the least likely, worst case scenario and then feel completely trapped by myself. Normally, i'm very good at talking myself out of being angry or sad or anything, i can cheer myself up and i completely believe in the power of my mind over my mood. But these attacks have been so intense and i just get so terrified i just can't rationally think about anything for a while...Eventually, i start being able to when i realize i'm doing this to myself and not actually dying, but it takes so long heh. Anyway, i guess i had just been feeling like my life was changing so much and nothing will be the same. So...its just been a scary time. And the only thing i could think of to make myself feel better is/was just to trying to do something with myself. I just don't know what to do! Anyway, thanks for your input, i think i just desperately need unbiased opinions and some stability!
Nietzsche is perhaps my greatest influence. Anyway, you know how I stopped having panic attacks? Paradoxically, when I stopped trying to stop them. As I'm writing this my hands began to sweat! Isn't it crazy? But I'm ok with that. I can live with it.
Meditation is the cure Unravel life's mysteries, see yourself in the big picture... and perhaps your perception will entirely change and you will be happy You can chop down a forest to pass your time... but at the end of the day you've only made lots of stumps.
I've been there... Its not fun... its so irrational, yet so uncontrollable... yet, entirely controllable by being entirely avoidable with no more effort than to not avoid them. Paradox, most definitely. Writing that reminded me of the "rumble" in my insides... also cracked a smile
i would love to meditate but i seriously have never been able to. i think so much i'm constantly overwhelmed. and that doesn't help the panic attacks haha, like i just completely overwhelm myself to the point where i'll start forgetting things midsentence. and i just have completely never been able to meditate, anda i have tried so many "tricks" and things people suggest. i just can't ever calm myself down. also, my hands are perpetually shakey and they sweat easily too. my whole body is alwaaays shaking. ALWAYS
sarathustra, have you ever practiced any deep breathing exercises during your panic attacks or when you're feeling overwhelmed? The reason I ask is, I have always had a difficult time fully surrending to meditation as well. My mind is almost always racing ahead, I'm what some might consider a bit high strung at times, and it's very difficult for me to clear my thoughts. I found that what works best for me and helps me get into a calm, relaxed state is doing breathing exercises. I actually learned this through the Lamaze classes I took during my pregnancies, which enabled me to deep breathe and use visualization through my labors, helping me better cope with the pain. Now granted, I don't do the same exact kind of breathing now, but just the act itself can really help calm me in stressful times. Good luck to you.
Just getting ahead of the game at work and at home. Being ready for a Monday meeting the Friday before. Or having dinner for tommorow ready in the fridge so all I need to do is cook it. Having a list and seeing each thing I checked off and getting a great satisfaction as I check it off (sometimes I check it off with stickers at work hah...what ever works). Just being on my toes and one step above everyone else in my head and actions. After you start doing it the feeling of satisfaction and stress-relief provides great satisfaction, which works as a reinforcer for you to continue doing it.
I would lay off the pot if you have panick attacks. i didn't realize until i quit for months and then bought a tiny bit hoe paranoid it made me. It also made me lazy so I wouldn't get things done, which would highten my anxiety levels.
