Concerned Wife Needs some Questions Answered

Hi,
I'm sure I'm not the only wife who has turned to this forum for some answers to questions. Twice now I've caught my husband looking at gay porn images that come to him through an email group on yahoo he's part of.

I've asked him straight out if he was gay or bi-sexual and he said no but his actions have me perplexed. If he's not gay or bi-sexual, I'd like to know where this porn thing is coming from.

At first he tried to lie and say he never opened any and after letting him know that I caught him with my own eyes, he still tried to dance out of it by saying that he didn't know it was gay...but the titles of the email were CLEARLY letting him know what it was.

Today, same thing. As far as his friends go, he has none since he just moved here seven months ago. Our sex life which used to be hot and heavy is now damn near nil and void. And I don't do obligatory sex for anyone which is what I felt like he was starting to do. Sex when it was good, was kinky but nothing that would have raised my eyebrows. He doesn't request anal sex and we've only tried it twice (both times at my request) ...

I think that's about all I can tell you right now but I would love some feedback. If I'm being overly suspicious that would be good to know. Thanks everyone

 

there is a possibility that the yahoo email group got hit by gay porn spam.

if not, he could be questioning and not gay or bi meaning it is just a phase .. gawd that sounded so teenage angst. I really don't have any helpful thoughts on this other than that. sorry this isn't helpful

 

Thanks txbarefooter. It does help and this particular yahoo group specifically caters bi and gay porn. He can't use that excuse either. I hope it turns out to be only a phase...maybe its a delayed teenage angst.

 

i don't have much experience but here's my 2 cents. it's really hard to give a proper answer because a lot of things can come into play. here's some situations:

1. he's straight, it was an accident. Now not having sex is a whole other story where things like cheating, loss of attraction, blah blah blah can affect something like that.

2. he's gay. all those hot and heavy sessions were with viagra, he could be a closet case that just wants to have a "normal" life and have kids.

there's tons things that will stop a couple from having sex. we don't have the full story so it's hard to say. hope that helped!

(if you've gotten him completely hard from limp on many occasions, he's probably straight. if every time you get physical and he's already hard when the pants come off, maybe he's using some sort of medicine or injection to get hard, then his sexually could be questioned.)

one last thing. how exactly was he looking at the gay site? was his door closed or anything?

 

How religious is he?

 

I can't really comment on the change in sex drive.. but with the porn thing.. straight men look at gay porn, and some gay men look at straight porn. Its not set in stone that sexual orientation defines what kind of porn you look at. It could be curiosity or there's something that he likes about looking at gay porn - but it doesn't mean he wants to be with a man sexually. I was reading a while back (you may be able to google search it) about sexual preference vs sexual orientation. It touches on different sexualities and the porn they look at.

I guess you just remind him that you want to talk about it when he's ready.

 

Thanks for the feedback everyone. He swears he's not gay or bi. I had the discussion with him again and told him that I would prefer him to be happy as someone with a different lifestyle than in a relationship where he's trying to adhere to what society thinks is normal (hetero relationships).

to answer some of the questions, he's not very religious..getting him hard is not difficult sometimes but at other times it is. As though he has no interest. I can't explain it because it seems to haveno rhyme or reason.

Again, thanks for all the feedback.

 

I look at train wrecks but i'm not dead.

No really that was just the first thing that came to my head.

I look at gay porn briefly if it comes into my view, I look at two headed snakes, but. . . well you get what I mean. I think the important thing is are you friends? If you are (or aren't) you should be compassionate. Is he your age? Most folks don't 'turn gay' when they are 40.
It is either curiosity or boredom or a little of both. I look at all kinds of things for those two reasons; buildings, war pictures, side shows freaks, the list is endless.
You didn't tell us if you have looked at porn. With him?

I would say you should do what all spouses should do all the time. Be nice. Be interested in him. Be creative with your time. A lot of folks are less turned on by blatant sex than by a groovy vibration. Fine something he likes and do that with him. Anything will work. If he writes, offer to help edit. If he works on cars, clean the car out while he is tinkering on the engine. If he likes sideshow freaks, get him a book on the history. If he likes porn then rub his left hand while he rubs the right one.

Whatever you do DO NOT make a big deal out of it. He is your friend and your husband and i am sure everything will work out better if you just learn to like (not love i'm talkin about) everything about him. The thing that turns me off the most in a relationship is when a girl wants to change me, or doesn't like something about me.

Good luck sweetie. Send him my regards. Feel free to pm me.

 

^truth.

 

Ha!, Sorry, but that one made me laugh out load.
That is the case with just about all guys. It really does have a mind of its own sometimes.

Except maybe late teens when its up all the time anyway

 

^^

ya, thats pretty much how it is for us...quite uncomfortable in school if ya know what i mean!

 

hopefully i'm not too late in responding. i'm a healthy str8 married male with a huge porn addiction. always looking for the next great high and that meant going into new and uncharted waters for me. looking at gay/bi/tranny porn. i have an obsession with big breasts and huge cocks. am i gay? am i bi? am i curious? probably yes to all three. his waning desire, off and on may just be from too much masturbation. there's probably a disconnect there that you guys need to get back to focusing on each other. will that stop his curiousity? probably not. but if you focus on him it would diminish his appetite for porn. it has for me. i'll still look, but it cycles back and forth, to whatever i'm feeling at the moment.

 

Another possibility is that he is only now discovering a side of his sexuality that he's never explored. (Its not that rare unfortunatly) So, while he's telling you he's not gay/bi, I wouldnt call him lieing as it might just be a confusing time for him and he may honestly not be sure himself.

Best advice I can think of, be open, honest and friendly, as always, communication is key, even if hes not feeling very communicative right now, it shoudl happen. Coming from a young 24 year old, take it as you will.

 

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It's totally too late to respond to this post, huh...

I think most of us would agree that this isn't really enough evidence to say whether your husband's gay or bi or just fooling around, yeah? The unfortunate thing here is that he's not comfortable talking about his kinks with you, which sounds like it's mostly his fault. He's gotta get to a place where he can really say "Hell, sometimes looking at cocks turns me on, but I'm (more / less) straight; what would turn me on with YOU is (whatever it is - getting pegged, nothing, dressing up as a chicken)."

Such a bummer that so many people can't work up the nerve to tell their partner what they want...because so many partners want to hear it.

Beyond sympathizing with you, it's tough to find something constructive to say. Maybe you should tell him about YOUR kinks - maybe it could at least get a conversation started (and at most, get you some kinky sex or something).