plight of the transman

I'm finding this a really fascinating experience. It's been about a year since I've reckoned with myself about who I am... from there I've had a few weak moments where I've allowed the false identity that's been my cover for years to present herself again. She's finally gone, and the person I've always been is visible to everyone. And he's very strong.

I've been making my way with the bare minimum here, because not only am I too young to begin the transition, and because I'm living with a guest family in a new country at the moment, but because I also don't have the permission of both of my parents. My mum is behind me, but my dad is the one who still has the final say legally. In about 10 months I will begin independently of him. But I've noticed my body already changing of its own accord, without hormones or anything like that. I've sort of trained my hair follicles, shaving every two or three days-- each time my facial hair grows back in it's thicker and darker, maybe in a year I'll actually have the stubble beard I've always wanted. The breasts have always been small but as I've bound them for so long, they've changed position on my chest, are now a lot lower and flatter and a bit easier to disguise. My voice has deepened as well-- I believe I've always had some extra ambient testosterone, so it's like the boy buried in this body has finally reached puberty and is pushing his way out. Weird, but fascinating. I do pass pretty well as a male-- sometimes people need a few hours to figure out that I'm "female", but I spent a whole evening with another boy this weekend and it never occured to him to see me as other than a boy, although he did remark that I still look like a small child. I guess because I'm only 163 cm and my hands and feet are so small. I get checked out by gay boys a lot, because I'm so pretty Girls do that too, but usually they either recognize the female body and figure I'm a lesbian, or recognise immediately that I'm a boy who likes boys.

I think this is a very bizarre experience. Exhausting, painful, isolating, and really strange to watch. Somehow exciting too. I keep thinking, I can hardly wait to see what happens next. I can hardly wait to see how it ends. But there is no end, really.

I just thought I'd ask any other FTM who is interested to share his feelings. I'm also of course interested in how the MTFs have felt or are feeling about their process. Otherwise I'd just like to wish you all happiness and success with this journey and with the rest of your lives. Peace and love

Michael

 

Well you are lucky, when I was a teenager I was real girly a total slut lol, but still always felt I was a boy, I didnt change till my mid 20s
I was lucky to have a family to support me, just like you, my mums very helpfull, she came to the hospital with me to get all my surgery done, Im also more of a Gay Transman to, but find it hard to meet other guys, I have more chance hooking up with other Transmen.....But with most of all my surgery done I should feel happy...I have kids I have a loveing family, but Im still a bit lonley, some older Transman told me a long time ago that, being Trans was a long lonly road to take, and they were'nt kidding. But you seem happy.. Good Luck to you.

 

I've decided to turn this into my diary. Starting off, I hate menstruation. This week I missed two days of school because I had to always throw up and was dizzy to the point of not being able to walk. I have been physically exhausted all week no matter how much sleep I get. After the vomiting came muscle spasms in my abdomen and I couldn't sleep. Then the bleeding started, it's disgusting. I mean I have to shower every day and keep going to the bathroom to make sure my ass isn't covered in blood, but I don't go to the toilets at school because they're gender specific, so I go home between classes. I was so nervy yesterday I actually cried. I don't cry if I can help it, especially not without reason. It's ridiculous the way this unwanted hormone affects me. And on top of that I turn into a complete twink when the estrogen starts surging all over. I'm gay sure but usually I'm still more masculine than feminine. It's totally humiliating, the whole bloody thing.
I saw two photos of myself yesterday, from november when I hadn't had a haircut in two months. I looked like such a girl! I don't even remember having such long hair and looking so girly. Ew. I get something like a buzz cut from my host dad every once in a while, I like it best so short because there's no mistaking me for a girl. But in between it grows really fast and I have to cut it myself. And I hate my voice. I hate how if I don't concentrate really hard I have a girl's voice. That sucks. It's a dead give-away. And I hate how the people who know me go out of their way to call me a girl around other people, just because they're uncomfortable with how masculine I am. And I'm terrified about what's going to happen later. I need to finish school, take a job, and I want to go to college. I need to get my driving license, register to vote, and become independent. But the trouble is that's all binding. Without my legal name I can't do any of that. But I won't do it with this legal name, because it's a girl's name. I won't go any longer being called this name on paper, that's impossible. but I can't wait until I turn 18 and can do it on my own, because then I'd have three months of totally free time, unable to do anything. And although I vaguely believe in God, I mostly hate him for making such a mistake. But then sometimes I compare him to my father and I think... at least he always puts his children first, even and most especially the trouble ones, whereas my dad puts his personal beliefs and his sanctimoniousness and his public image in first place and I'm always second. Or tenth. And I hate how he wrote a stupid poem trying to appologise to me for "pushing me away" as if that will cure everything and I'll turn out "normal" after all, just if he says sorry for not being as nice as he could have been. My dad is a total asshole, and then every time I say that I feel like an asshole myself.
Man. So that was a start. Don't worry about answering if you don't feel like. Just needed a place to rant. I'll be doing more of that soon, too, so brace yourselves.

Bis dann...
Mike

 

two life decisions: sex change and celibacy. the furthest I'll ever get with the first is breast removal, hormone therapy and removal of the reproductive organs and vagina. celibacy is absolute. no sexual contact, not even with myself. it's just not right for me as long as I have female genitalia, and it's not likely I'll ever go as far as genital reconstruction. it's not easy, it's not like I have no sex drive. but on the other hand it may teach me patience. maybe I'll be able to channel my sexual energy to some other area of my life, and do something big with it. hopefully.

 

Yeah i need to have a sex change too (mtf), but the celibacy, can't do it and the worse thing is if i was to get naked with someone i might get physcally sick, it sucks.

Exercise and doing weights, being a guy you might not mind having big [size=-1]muscles, don't want them myself. being sexually frastrated gives me that extra zing in everthing i do at work, but im not sure if i get more done.

I'd put more in, but i don't want to make you sick.
[/size]

 

nothing makes me sick except menstruating. I would love to have big muscles. I work out every day, especially the upper body, to make myself look more boyish. as it is I'm too pretty and small to pass always as a boy.

if you can't do celibacy but don't want to be naked with someone else, how do you deal with that? prolly a stupid question.

................

I think I have a polar opposite out there somewhere, a woman in a man's body who should have mine, and I should have hers. she wouldn't want this one now though, I've fucked it up so badly. and she's probably in the process of putting breasts on the body that should be mine, so it's kind of too late now. but out there is someone who wants what I've got-- breasts, period, vagina, and a pretty face. and I want what she's got-- stubble beard, penis, big hands and an adam's apple. just the picture I've always had of this. mispackaged soul material. mispackaged and misdelivered.

 

I gotta say, starting on hormones was really relaxing. Actually, just going to therapy was relaxing. It was like the world's problems were lifted off my shoulders.

the best part about it is noticing small changes. my chest is a little more muscular. my breasts are smaller. my shoulders are a bit bigger. my forearms are a bit bigger. my voice is getting deeper. my muscles in general feel less feminine. my jeans are getting loose, which means my hips are starting to go.

then, the worst part is not noticing anything. everything looks the same and it's driving me nuts. or, not knowing if anything is different. sitting and wondering if I looked like that before or not.

I've always been able to pass, except with a few people. as I've been binding for a couple years now.. actually, a lot of years now. I think I started in 01 or 02. my breasts also sag a little and it is a little easier, but still, it's not enough. with my method, I pull them apart and push them into my armpits. if I wear clothes that are tight enough, you can tell, but I try to avoid that, unless I've done a really good job binding.

I can't wait to visit the doctor who will fix my chest. I can't wait to meet him and I can't wait for it to happen. although all the changes and the testosterone is calming, I still freak out every time I'm in the shower and I see breasts. that's the sort of thing that makes me wanna break down and cry, because it just doesn't belong. it's not right for me to have to suffer this way. but I think about it and remember that some woman is suffering with my body and my penis. I just hope she's treating it the way I would.

and if you plan on having top surgery ever, you should start working your chest out now, so it'll be an easier recovery. actually, if you have small breasts, working out your chest could help make them a little smaller.

 

I thought that as the muscles under the breasts get bigger, the breasts appear bigger? I have fairly small breasts, they've also been pushed down significantly over the last year or so as I've been binding. I just don't touch them or look at them, and they don't bother me so much anymore. as long as I remember that I'm not my body, and don't touch anything that doesn't need to be touched, I'm okay for now.

coconut, how long have you been on hormones? and is it true that ht increases the risk of breast cancer, as well as ovarian and cervical? the whole thing is so complicated, and I find myself so stressed out about how I'll manage everything in the future, that sometimes I think I might just take no steps, portray as male and let everyone else deal with what they think. if I had been born with a male body I would be totally at peace right now... as it is, I have the option of changing my body to become quasi-male, or I can search for peace somewhere else. or both.

 

my doctor never told me anything about breast or cervical cancer from the ht. if he's keeping something from me, I'll be pissed, but he did tell me to do breast exams even after I have top surgery. it's just something he said to watch out for and is very serious. he taught be how to do it and I taught my girlfriend, so she'll be doing it for me when I need her to.

I've been on hormones for about a month now. I'm doing the gel that you can rub on your shoulders every day. I opted out of doing the injections, because I had one done at the doctor's and my butt hurt for a good three days. I can't imagine my butt hurting for 3 days out of a week. plus, the gel is an every day thing instead of just a weekly thing. I talked to my therapist and she said the gel won't be potent enough for facial hair and that I should talk to my doc about doing injections AND gel, so the female hormones don't end up taking over at the end of the week. it'll be like.. injection on friday, then gel the next thursday. you get what I'm saying?

I don't know how you feel about this. I don't know how your family or friends feels about it, but I held it in for so long that I can't wait to have anything done. I'm trying to be patient and give the hormones time to catch up to my body before I do any surgery. it just seems like the right thing to do. but then every time I see these God awful breasts on MY chest, I can't help but think about calling the doctor and scheduling an appointment for the surgery the next day.

for me, deciding when the surgery will be is the hardest part right now. I'm sure when the time comes, it'll be financing it, though.

 

hey, just my 2 cents- i started out on gel (well, cream, but same difference), and i was able to get a good amount of facial hair while i was on it before i switched to injections.

also, a lof of transmen have completed their entire transtions on topical t, and had no problems growing facial hair. i'm not quite sure what your therapist is saying, as i, and a handful of guys i know can disprove what she said about not getting facial hair on topical t. my t levels were actually the highest when i was on cream.

 

yeah, so far, I haven't plateaued, I guess you could say.
I've been noticing changes pretty rapidly. I was told not to even expect facial hair until I've been on T for a good amount of time. a couple months maybe and I've only been on it for about a month. I still wouldn't mind doing injections and gel, though.

 

actually, no.
it's the muscle under the breasts that gets bigger, like you said. I heard it helps them get firm and it fixes the sag a little.

I have fairly large breasts (I think it's a large C now that they've gotten smaller) and I really can't wait to get rid of them.
they stop me from doing a lot of things.

 

That is not a stupid question you got me thinking, i think its nerves/anxiety or something so i should be able to get over it if i feel inclined, not sure but i think when I'm ready i will be ok.







I like your other comment too, i have thought that as well.

 

okay time for an update... I'm rather hacked off at the moment, just talked to my parents on the phone and my mama has permanently reverted to using the old name again. she was so good about it for a while but now I think she misses me too much, and wants everything back to normal, and because I don't comment on it she prolly thinks I'm changing "back" into a girl. I don't say anything because she's always on the phone when my dad is, he refuses to even call me a unisex nickname, and besides I don't want to make her sad. but it's shit.

and then. hm. I've pretty much opted for just being as androgynous as possible for the rest of the year here, I can't get my hands on any new binders and besides the damage is already done, everyone who knows me thinks I'm a girl... about 50% who don't know me see a boy, which is cool, but then the problem is when I get to know them they "correct" themselves and then it's just too weird. anyway. that was it already... yep.

peace you lot

Michael