Just wanted to write this down

I've been trying to write a post like this for ages. But I've stopped because I've assumed that nobody would take me seriously or they would just call me a "whiner" So I'm trying it again, because I have nobody else to talk to. And it's getting to that point where it's becoming unbearable.

I don't really know where to begin, so many things have been going wrong for such a long time but today I'm going to focus on my most recent problem. I've got to that point where I've forgotten what happiness feels like. Every day I wonder what's the point of waking up, I feel like I have nothing to live for, my average day consists of sitting on the computer surfing, nothing else. I hate doing it but to me it's an escape from all the harsh realities.

I started university in September last year but left before christmas because I couldn't cope. I lived with three girls who I tried to get on with but I just couldn't. They made me feel very uncomfortable, whenever I walked into the kitchen I always felt like they didn't want me in there, it was as if they were part of a secret gang and I wasn't allowed to be part of it. Probably because I didn't look like them, dress like them or talked like them. They were frightened of me because I was diffrent.

I enjoyed the course, but living with the girls made it impossible for me to focus on my studies, they would play loud music almost every day. Sometimes for as long as seven hours. I tried going to the libary to work but I wanted to be in the comfort of my room, they would go out almost every single night and come back drunk. So I got very little sleep and I couldn't focus in lessons.

One day I decided I couldn't do it anymore, I looked into the possibility of moving somewhere else on campus but it was all pretty much the same. Commuting from home wasn't an option because I lived too far away. So the only option I could think of was to leave.

I really enjoyed the independence and meeting new people, now I'm back at home with my over protective parents I'm stuck in a rut. I have already accumulated debt and I have no idea how I'm going to pay it back. That's been giving me sleepless nights.

And as much as I hate to admit it. I'm claiming benefit because I'm unemployed. The industry I want to go into requires you to work at unpredictable hours and to have your own transport. I really wish I could drive but I have no confidence on the road, also the environmental and economical problems of owning a car would play on my mind too much. I did try to learn not that long ago but the woman who taught me was quite harsh and she ruined any confidence I had before and I wasted a lot of money on her lessons.

Public transport isn't an option for me neither, after bieng assaulted last year I hate going out after dark by myself. I'm always fearful that something worse will happen.

I don't have any friends where I live, my previous friends have either used me or are too focused on themselves to care about anything else, maybe I just attract the wrong people I don't know. The only true friends I have are back at the university. And although I've only known them for such a short time they treated me better than any of my other friends I had in the past, so I'm missing them an awful lot.

this probably dosen't make much sense, but thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm not really searching for any advice but if you feel you have something to add then I'm okay with it, I just wanted to get it out.

 

Perhaps you should see a therapist who could help you work through your feelings? It sounds like you need someone to listen, and good therapists can help you look at situations differently.

Peace and love

 

hi hippie_chick. Thanks for responding. I've seen quite a few councellors but I've never found them to be of any help. Are therapists diffrent?

 

What type of councilors were they? Did they have a license? Were they accredited? I am asking b/c my fiance's parents sent him to a Christian councilor who had no formal training and basically told him his problems were caused by the Godless music he was listening to (he has bipolar disorder). No, the average Joe off the street would not be very helpful if you have serious issues- it sounds like you do so don't take them lightly.

Therapists normally are licensed and have formal education in these areas. Most (if not all) have gone to grad school. Check out the therapist title, education, & speciality. I would suggest seeing a psychologist if possible- they would be the most knowledgeable.

There are also different types of therapy available. Do a little research and find out who offers what services where you live. If you are in college, perhaps go to the Health Center & normally you can see someone for free once or twice a semester. Good luck! I hope you feel better soon.

Peace and love

 

Boost your confidence by thinking differently. Trust yourself. Nobody knows everything.

Try to develop mental and emotional resiliency.
Hippiechick was right on her advice on seeking professional help.

I can relate to you, since I too went through similar stages like yours.

I was able to overcome those feelings of inadequacies by slowly getting into Eastern religion and philosophy.

I am happy to say, that now, I am no longer too dependent even on the cure.

Best of luck, best wishes.

PM me, even if you just want to talk or to vent.

 

It is hard to change your thoughts and your thought process by yourself; therapy has helped me recognize my unhealthy patterns. Sometimes it takes someone else to say "hey- this isn't healthy!"

Peace and love

 

farabovetheclouds,

What makes you think that something is wrong with you? Are you measuring yourself against an idea that "society" has deemed acceptable?

The fact that you're paying attention to the changes says much.

I read your story, and it sounds much like when I was your age. When you're twenty years old, the ground is hardly solid beneath your feet.

I say enjoy the ride, but learn to surf a little better. The beach is fast approaching. Use your youth, and the power that comes with it. Just look both ways before you cross the street.

The 20's were one of my personal favorites. Lots to do. Lots to do. And that's the problem.



x

 

Yes, I agree, xenon points out an important observation.


Why do people always assume that there is something wrong with them?
Perhaps, it is "society", the "establishment" that is wrong.

Also, seeking a "professional" therapist might only make things worse, if the person is unqualified, or perhaps, it may just not be practical for you financially.

In Buddhism, they speak of embracing the groundless state. Nothing is permanent. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. I've taken everything that you have said on board. There's some great advice here

you have summed up my feelings perfectly xexon. I never feel comfortable in my own skin. And as much as I try not to I still measure myself against society's expectations of me.

A few people who I've spoken to who don't live in my town always say whenever they enter it there's a such a negative atmosphere, nobody can really explain it.

I would like to go to a therapist because I do have some problems controlling with my emotions. I can get angry at the slightest little thing, then I'd end up doing something stupid (Like breaking something expensive) and regret it big time afterwards.

A lot has happened in the past that I dwell a lot on, and I need some help moving into the present.

I feel like I'm only scratching the surface of a lot of underlying problems. The tip of the iceburg I guess