I know there are a lot of posts about this already, so I hope one more wont be TOO annoying? I've just thought a lot about it lately. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight, and I know it is no big deal. And I know what I REALLY should do is start exercising, that I'll look and feel better if I just exercise and eat healthy, that'll make me feel and look my best. And I know diets are bullshit. And I AM going to exercise, omg it sucked that I couldn't today (long BORING story why I couldn't but it sucked I was so pumped to do it...lol it was completely circumstancial just couldn't get to the gym). But anyway, I'm just trying to figure out whats holding me back, from losing the weight I need to lose, and I think I do know. When I was a teenager, I had a LOT of eating disorders. The first time I made myself throw up was when I was 13. But I think the worst of it was when I was 14/15, and really anorexic. I once went 2 weeks without eating (I'm lucky to be alive huh?) and I was SOOO proud of that in a way, at the time, but it wasn't something I could tell anybody. But when I was marking it down...day 14, haven't had a bite....I felt like I was winning. Winning what???Who knows. I just remember feeling like I had SO much control, more than anybody. And when I look back and pictures of myself at that age, I'm shocked. Cause I still remember looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a fat girl. But in those pictures? WOW. Can't tell with my body so much, since I always wore big baggy sweatshirts (thought I was fat and had to hide my body). But my face, neck, in those pictures, are SO sunken in, I look like I was a cancer patient or something. Its crazy how disconnected you can be. I'm not even sure what my lowest weight was, because I'd always be setting my scale 5-10 pounds higher so I wouldn't get too comfterable, and then going by what the scale said. I remember seeing a 106 once, so maybe 96-100 was the lowest? Not sure. But I'm 5'6, was then too, and I've always been pretty muscular, just naturally, so yeah..... Then later, I got to a slightly healthier weight (which, in my mind at the time, was a failure for the most part) but although I didn't completely starve myself, I was bulimic for many years. Then I had a bit of a revolution...like fuck it, I dont' care what anyone thinks, I will be as fat as I want and anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my big ass!!! (actually it was more complex than that lol but that kinda sums it up.) For awhile, I was doing pretty well. Not ENTIRELY over the bulimia, but mostly, it was dying out. And I was eating healthy, eating fun fattening foods in moderation, I weighed about 135, which is a good weight for me I think (I'd love to be 135 again now). But then I went the other way. I ate and ate and ate whatever I wanted, how much I wanted, etc. At my biggest, when I was 22, I weighed 172 pounds. And you know? Even though I didn't like my body, and overeating all the time wasn't healthy, either, I did feel a little better. Cause I was finally like whatever, I can still get laid obviously, I'm happier, its no big deal. Anyway um where am I going with this now? Well, I keep going back and forth. I lost a lot of weight through exercise and just making healthy decisions last year. Got down to 139 at one point, without even trying that hard, which felt GREAT. It was my lifestyle change I guess, I'd walk everywhere instead of driving just cause and wasn't giving much thought to food at all really. But now, with stress and not exercising and eating for comfort again, I'm back up to about 155. And as much as I REALLY wanna lose the weight, I think I'm holding myself back, because maybe I'm afraid if I REALLY GO FOR IT, I'll end up back in the eating disorder again. I never did get "help" or deal with the issues behind it, I just kinda stopped? Not sure if I can explain how I did but that is kinda how it was? Its like, I'll eat REALLY healthy for a week, but then for three days after that week, I'll have pizza for lunch, chips, and then a burger or fries for dinner. Its like I"m sabatoging myself: every time I do really well for a bit, I end up doing badly. On purpose....like tonight I had taco bell, it was disgusting, and I don't know why I did that. Its like I feel compelled to eat badly, like I'm proving a point, which is ridiculous, how am I going to feel good about myself if I keep deliberately sabotaging myself? I think I am too much in the "diet" mindframe right now, which is making me wanna eat more out of rebellion (against who though myself??) lol I dunno, but I really think once I start exercising again that'll help? I hope so. Thanx for listening to me vent!
Maybe you should focus on eating and exercising for health, not weight. Your weight would probably fall into a natural healthy range. The book "Skinny Bitch" is really about eating healthy and is entertaining. It's not really about getting skinny-that's just a side-effect of eating healthy. Also, try yoga. It's good exercise and can help with body image issues.
if you exercised the time it took you to type this, you would be a skinny bitch just eat early opposed to late run instead of walk get up to do something for others and laugh as much as possible.. you will see differences fast exercising should be fun- get some bud and a friend and go for a nature walk
Check it out. People are all different so you may not even be overweight.. yes according to the charts maybe you are but those were made a long time ago and don't apply to everyone because everyone has their own healthy weight. So don't feel bad about yourself, everyone is beautiful as they are naturally. Focus on eating healthy, not losing weight... weight is just a number. Feeling good and being healthy are what should be important. (And loving yourself.) Stay away from fast food but its okay to enjoy something thats not too great for you every once in a while. Fast food is like a drug, its very addictive and it will try to lure you in but eat something better instead. Just kinda analyze everything you eat and weigh out the nutritional value and ask yourself if it will benefit you, if it will make you feel good or like crap ya know. Good luck =)
