I've mentioned this in passing in several other posts, but I just want a direct opinion. I'm in a relationship with a bisexual guy, and I'm bisexual myself. We're both 17. We have slightly differing opinions on the boundaries in our relationship. I'm all for 3-somes (so is he) and we've had a couple already, but he seems to think that it's alright for us to experiment with members of the same sex outside the relationship. I think that crosses the boundary of having an open relationship, and that it's not different from experimenting with the opposite sex, which I'm totally against. He says that he loves me and wouldn't want to be with another girl, but since he's still in the experimental phase of being bisexual, he says guys give him completely different things than girls. He said that I'd have the freedom to be with any girl as long as he knew about it. I've been thinking about it a lot. Once during our relationship, he hooked up with his friend (with whom we later had a threesome) and he thought I'd be okay with it, but I wasn't and I saw it as cheating (well...he didn't tell me about it til weeks later.) Once I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he said he wouldn't do it anymore. I love the thought of them together but I feel like if I allowed it, that fine line would be smeared. He might think I'm okay with him going off with other guys, but I'm not. It's just a special case with that friend, because I have slight feelings for him as well.
I've always thought it seemed like it would be awfully confusing to be in a bisexual relationship. Not that I have much direct experience with this, but I'm responding anyway because I like you. You get to make your own rules in all relationships, but you kinda HAVE to in a bisexual one, don't you? So there's no right or wrong here - you just have to negotiate between the two of you about what's allowed and what isn't. But two things seem pretty sensible to me even if the relationship WERE open: 1) You have to be honest with each other, which means if he hooks up and doesn't tell you, he's straight up wrong 2) You really ought to be able to name certain people whom you both know as off limits. I hope you get your way, personally, because I like you better than him.
Thanks. I like you too. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. He did tell me that over the summer, they would hook up quite a bit and he thought I wouldn't be bothered if he did while we were together, since it's "different." It's just...really confusing because we both have minor feelings for the same person and love doing sexual things with him, so it seems only logical to do it at the same time. I did get my way. We talked about it and he said he can see why I don't agree with it, but he just has different view and will respect our decision. But come on...they're going to Spain together (school-sponsored trip) and they're rooming together. Two sexy guys together in one room for a week. I think I'm going to tell him this: "I know you promised me nothing would happen between you two in Spain, since you know I'm against on-the-side sexual contact. But if something happens, please tell me. I'd rather have full honesty in our relationship, and I will be a lot calmer knowing something happened, than being bothered by uncertainty." Do you think he'll be offended? I guess it does kind of come off as me distrusting him...
I think if you put two guys who are attracted to each other in a room in Spain for a week, there is no chance in HELL they're not gonna end up fucking each other. lol...I mean, you sound like you have a great relationship with him and I'm sure he loves you...it's just that boys kinda suck with the self-control. So yeah, I think that's totally the right thing to say! (And I'd be curious about what his reaction is to it. It could be anything from horrible defensiveness to "Thank you for being understanding.") That sound incredibly confusing...if you have minor feelings for the boy too, you're in the uncomfortable situation of being jealous of both guys at once. Eek! If it were me I wouldn't even know who to be more jealous of. (You know how it is...love is one thing, and a crush is another, but both can feel pretty powerful for completely different reasons.)
Yeah, exactly! And also the other guy (if you read the story I wrote about our experiences) is totally self conscious about doing things with my boyfriend, so he feels a little more reserved around me. Apparently when it's just them two, he opens a little more. He wouldn't give my boyfriend head when I was there, even though I know he has when it was just them two (he doesn't know I know this.) I feel like if I just let them hook up in Spain, they'd think it's okay all the time. What if they didn't want to have 3-somes with me anymore?! AHHH. That would suck. The guy is so good. I think he's pretty attracted to me, though. So hopefully that wouldn't happen. Just for the record, they haven't had sex. They're pretty much done everything except (head, fingering each other). They're actually both virgins in general. I just don't know if I should say anything at all. I don't want to completely condone that behavior because I don't want an open relationship, but like I said, it's SO different with that guy. Ugh.
Ohhh yeah, I didn't actually read the story you wrote because it was kinda porny and when I first started reading it I...um, I figured you were probably a guy just coming on here to write his fantasies down from a different perspective. Sorry! Don't be mad! I doubt there's much you can do to stop them from hooking up anyway - again, they're guys, they have no self-control - so you might as well talk about it. How come you haven't had sex with your boyfriend?
Call me a hypocrite but I don't think we're at the right point in our relationship yet. We're so busy that we hardly ever have time to be intimate. I can count the times we're had oral on one hand. Plus separate from other things, sex shouldn't just be done out of horniness, and I think he doesn't understand that yet. We see each other all the time (every day, pretty much) but we are never alone. It'd just feel awkward to have sex when we're not even that familiar with each other's bodies. I mean...the last time I gave him head, we were in the back of his car at night. Basically what I'm saying is that we don't have the right level of emotional maturity to be having sex yet.
Well I talked to my boyfriend. He said that he didn't expect anything to happen, but he would definitely tell me if it did. He said that usually when they would do things together, he would be the initiator. He said that when they're in Spain, he won't do anything. If the guy initiates anything between them too, it'll be obvious that he wants it and nothing is forced on him, and may lead to him opening up.
I picked up on this one a little late in the game, but here's my two cents. Coming from a different perspective (a bisexual guy), I think this situation requires some careful treading. By saying "I know you won't do anything, but if anything happens, tell me about it." it sort of sounds like you don't trust him. I know that's not what you intended, but he may have taken it that way. Also, the same sex experiences are something he may need more exposure to in order to better understand himself. In as much, those experiences may need to be sans girlfriend. I know it'd be difficult to condone that. It takes an immense amount of trust between the two of you to let your partner go off with someone else, especially when you're not there to share in the experience. The thing is, this may be an opportunity where he can learn more about himself. You may be scared that he'll like it "too" much and decide he is gay and have no more time for you. The best thing you can do... is what you did! Just talk, be honest, and let him speak honestly as well. Finally, to vouch for the less fairer sex, we guys do have some control when it comes to sexual urges. We're not all unreliable. If he acts, don't come down to hard on him, he's learning about himself, life, and sexuality. Just try to be a supporter in his journey and not an obstacle.
Thanks. When I first found out about it, I did think that he might leave me for a guy or something, but now I'm not really afraid of that anymore I trust him. The conversation went very well. It wasn't awkward, and I think I said everything the right way. I didn't make it seem like I had no trust in him, but I also didn't come off as condoning it too much.
