"behaviour" and "attitude" in relationships- some philosophy about being "happy"

okay so i'm still learning...

i posted in a thread earlier today that a person should be "real" meaning honest with themselves and their loved ones.

however it seems that like in most relationships (casual ones).... a romantic one is no different, in that you must be sure that you do not bring the other person down when you are feeling down.

for example........ when a woman is pmsing... just moody for no particular reason.. (this might be different from other, more "substantial" reasons for being upset/mood/sad/whatever) or when somebody simply feels the weight of their own world weighing down on them one day.... it's best not to confide in one person all your bad feelings... but maybe to just tell them some things..... and still try to act happy... and be "happy" within a few days. after all, when a person is always unhappy it does not make the relationship fulfilling does it? both must be happy...... (for example, i know at work, having a shitty life does not make up for being shitty at work.)

this is like a date... when you go on a "date" you need to be on your best behaviour right? do we forget this when we're in a long term relationship, do we take the other for granted...? do we forget that the other person's feeling are as important as ours?

am i making sense? this kind of goes with depression i think. depressed ppl do not make good friends and the depression itself kind of goes in a circle... feeds itself when somebody is in that depressed sort of state and is also self-centered and thinking me me i am so sad and blah and angry and sad and upset and nobody likes me and i need to change.......... not looking past theirself really because the focus is so intense. and then nobody wants to get involved in self-deprecating behaviours.


so, do we forget these things when we are in a relationship? are we too honest? is there a possibility of being too honest? or should we be able to be honest to a "fault" with our loved ones (close friends, family, spouse)? is that a right we have? should we leave that to a therapist and try to resolve it away from those it may negatively affect? should our loved ones be exempt from our moodyness?

 

we should be completely honest with our loved ones about or feelings, but its about how you treat others when your feeling negative, moreso than letting them know you feel negative. just because someone knows your feeling down does not excusse lashing out at them because your feeling down. the way i see it is: be honest with how you feel, but watch your step with what you say and do as a result of those feelings

 

so is it wrong to say.... "i'm feeling really bad/grumpy/sad/pmsy today and i think it would be best to just stay away from me today" ?

i mean, would that be the best course of action in such a situation? or could you suggest something better?

 

it's ok to say it. But it's also ok to look at your feeling, try and see why you feel that way. and it's also a good idea to see if you can change those feelings. recognize that you are sad/grumpy/etc and then make an effort to move your mind and mood to more positive ground for your own sake. It's not easy but it's something I am working on doing in my own life, not being at the mercy of emotions but understanding that I do have control over it. I can choose to be happy, or at least not a basket case, even when things around me and inside me feel sad or blue. try to refocus your energy on the positive.

 

I think a warning is appropriate, personally. If they decide to continue talking with you, well, they've been warned.

I have said things like "I'm dealing with a bout of depression lately, I don't really want to talk about it but you have a right to know what's going but that's about as much as I can talk about it right now without breaking down/flipping out".

 

I agree that it's best to be honest about your feelings, and that a warning is appropriate. Even with the warning, I try my best to avoid being snappy or lashing out anyway, but at least he has been warned. Though, in my experience with my fiance, putting the warning out there tends to prevent any lashing out, as we wind up talking about what would make (whichever of us is in a pissy mood) feel better, even if that is just going and playing on our computers together.

But, going along with that, the other partner needs to be equally honest and say something when they're just getting to tired of hearing it. I've told my fiance "honey, I love you, but you're being really fucking whiney, why don't you go talk to X who can offer better advice than I can?" It's not that I don't want to help him, but there are certain things where I can only help so much -- and we're both the type of person who gets frustrated when someone complains about a problem but doesn't do anything to improve the situation, so him just complaining to me isn't making him feel any better (as opposed to times when one of us just needs to vent).

As for taking the other person for granted, I don't think there's any correlation between being honest about how you're feeling and taking the person for granted... I think it's actually easier to take the other person for granted if you're "protecting" them from your bad moods, because you're also shutting them out to some degree. When being honest, you can take them for granted of course, but you can also show your appreciation for them and for their willingness to listen to you vent/whine/bitch/whatever.

Though, to be fair, I've never gone through any extended depression -- the closest I've experienced was about a week-long bout caused by a birth control pill that did not work well with my body chemistry. In my only experience of being in a relationship with a depressed person, he totally took me for granted, but also spent all of his time playing stupid games online instead of talking to me about anything, muchless his feelings or what he was going through. I can't say whether he thought he was protecting me from his bad mood or whether he was being too self-focused to even think of how he was impacting me...

 

The best course of action is to say, "I'm depressed today. If you don't want to deal with it, I understand."

Or, "I need your help today, but I don't want to burden you either."

I think your philosophy can only lead to very superficial relationships. Also, depressed people can make for fascinating friends. And helping others get out of depression can be one of the most exhilirating human experiences/connection you can have.

 

Well it sure would be nice. I don't have all of these complex emotions running through me that swing my mood back and forth. It would be great if I was at least partially exempt from whatever happens to be floating or not floating my wifes boat at the moment.

 

This option is better than just being a 88888 for what will seem like no reason at all to a guy.

 

i too think that one shoudl be open in relationship. at least to be able to express own sorrows or worries...thats the whole point of having someone, to share good and bad....is not it?
of course its not great idea going on and on about the same problem and refusing to do something about it...or refusing their advice..then it can get depressing and tiring for the other partner