Do you hit your child?

My mom explained it to me like this. We have a woodstove. When I was a toddler If I reached out to touch the hot stove and she said NO! HOT! an average toddler would touch the stove anyway and get burned. If she slapped my hand I would know not to touch the woodstove, and a little slap is better than a huge burn. My brother fell on a woodstove when he was 11 it was terrible! Uggh!

 

There is a difference between sitting there beating the shit out of your child and punishing them & letting them learn from their mistakes. If there is no discipline at all, then they will end up going hog wild, perhaps some wont but most will.

 

I don't see anything wrong with spanking as long as it isn't excessive. I don't think a child should be spanked for every little thing he does wrong, but if they do something that could put them in danger or repeatedly ignore parents, then I think they should be spanked, and by that I mean a short spanking (2 or 3 swats) that won't leave a mark but does sting a little. Otherwise what's the point? It's like a story that my husband told me about when he and his brother were little. Their mom did the bigger part of raising them and therefore was the one to spank them the most often unless it was something very big and then they were in a "wait until your father comes home" situation. But Mom's spankings weren't very hard, so the boys would pretend to cry and then laugh about it when she was done. It wasn't a deterrent at all. Until one day when my husband's brother got threatened with a spanking and made the mistake of telling his mom that her spankings didn't hurt anyway...he never said that again, lol.

But anyway, getting back on track, I want to raise my children the way that I was raised and how my husband was raised. He comes from a strong Christian family and the positive results of that are obvious in him and his brother. They are both really good men with strong moral values that I hope my daughter will adopt. I was raised in a family that didn't go to church (other than the few times my grandpa took me to children's church), but it was a very loving household. I was spanked, but I don't remember getting spanked all that often. Either I was just a really good kid (yeah, right) or my mom reserved spanking for the really bad stuff. I remember sitting down and talking about something I did wrong and why I shouldn't do that. I liked those little talks. I just don't like the "never hit your child" method because from what I've seen it doesn't work. I think a combination of discipline techniques is best, using positive reinforcement or nonviolent punishment most often.

 

I don't have kids so I can't totally judge, but I witness a variety of parents who are way too lax on their kids. You really can't and shouldn't let your kids run the show. I'm sorry, it's one thing to let them make their own choices about things THEY choose to do for themselves, but it's entirely another to leave everything up to them. Kids need boundaries and discipline, and they also need consistency. The punishments for misdeeds need to be age-appropriate. Spanking only can work up to a certain age, I think. I was spanked a few times as a kid, and I don't feel like it traumatized me. I've seen families where spaking was doled out for every offense, and usually those kids grew up fearing their parents rather than having a loving relationship. It's hard to find a good balance...you don't want to be your child's "best friend," but you don't want to be their enemy, or feared, either. If/when I become a parent, I want to find that balance so that I'm approachable enough when my kids need me they feel like they can come to me, but I don't want to be viewed as a person who will let them get away with everything and let them run the show.

Maybe this is judgmental of me, but I notice it all the time in public, people with ill-behaved kids, and they let them run the whole show! They'll just waver to whatever the child wants, no matter how unreasonable, just to get them to stop throwing a tantrum. I think that will damage a child a lot, they'll grow up with a sense of entitlement, thinking that the world revolves around them. I have the misfortune of coexisting with adult versions of these kids, and they really do have delusions that they are somehow more special than anyone else and thusly entitled to everything they want.

I work in a small natural-foods store, and go to school part-time. I see a lot of spoiled little brats come into my store. They'll run up to shelves and pull products off and stick them in their mouths, or have a wrestling match with their siblings right next to our shelf of glass juice bottles, knocking several of them over (and guess who gets to clean it up?), or go over to the produce section and grab apples and take a bite, or throw them at each other. We've had parents who just let their kids eat an unpaid-for item while they're shopping (I perceive this as a bit rude) to keep them quiet, or end up spending a mint on a bunch of unneccessary groceries because their widdle pweshuss wanted stuff. We don't have carts, so little ones are just free to run around. Our door leads right into an alley way where cars just kinda whip through without looking, and people will sometimes just let their toddlers run around with no supervision (maybe they're expecting ME to play babysitter, but I've got other shit to do, sorry), and we've had a couple kids run right out the door into the alley-way, and the parents act like it's no big deal! I've seen parents try to "talk it out" with kids young enough that they haven't developed critical thinking skills yet (when you first learn to walk and talk, those things take a lot of time and energy to master - reasoning and the ability to put abstract thoughts together is an ability which comes later), in the meantime the kids they're trying to "talk to" are being holy terrors ripping the shit out of something in the store. I'd say in those cases it's perfectly appropriate to grab your child up and be the disciplinarian. You can't always be the "good guy" in your child's eyes...sometimes they will think they hate you, but sometimes you have to raise your voice, sometimes you have to physically intervene and grab your child up to prevent them from wreaking destruction. I've been baffled by the absent parenting I've observed in some of these (most likely well-intentioned) customers with kids that I've seen. You can't always let your kids do whatever they want, and sometimes they will struggle and put up a fight, and you have to stop them from doing something dangerous or destructive.

That's my 2 cents.

 

I dont have any children at the moment BUT when I do I wont use hitting/slapping/kicking as a form of punishment.
I dont think using your hands to hurt your child is a good way of teaching them things are wrong

 

As a momma of two wonderful children, I choose not to hit them. If I did something that was "bad" and someone hit me for it, I would be one pissed off momma. I don't think that violence (and, yes, any type of hitting is violence) is the answer to getting what you want. Children are little people.. they have feelings.. thoughts and emotions. If you wouldn't hit your spouse/mother/sister/brother/grandmother than you shouldn't hit your children. Hitting breeds more hitting. And for the poster that said she deserved to get spanked most of the times as a child, no you didn't, dear! No one deserves to be hit, even if it is a "light swat" There so many more effective, and kind ways to deal with your children.

 

The first thing we learn in Guidence in education is that the kids are acting that way for a reason. So hitting them instead of figuring out why they are acting that way wont ever really solve the behavior problem. Lets listen to our kids instead of hit them. (no I dont have kids of my own...but i babysit and will soon have 20 kids in my care)

 

OK well Im a "child" and here's what I think.

If you hit your kid it will hurt for 30 seconds, but if you yell at them and say your dissapointed then that hurts a lot more than any punches or kicks.

My parents dont hit me, my dad just freaks out and yells if I do something stupid.

....as I was typing this i thought of the best punishment ever, when yuor kid goes to bed, start jumping on the bed and making noised like your having sex. My friend said he heard his parents doing it and he cried and couldnt sleep for the rest of the night.

But really, dont hit your kids. Then they'll hit their kids when there older and then you'll be sitting there watching your grandchildren getting beat.

 

I'm a single parent dad...I've adopted and raised seven boys. All of them had came to me as older, some at 5 & 6, some older. One boy could actually listen and "get it" never needed anything more than rational discussion. The other guys needed additional help. My youngest is 14, adopted from latin america, with culture, language and race differences complicating everything.
There is a definite difference in how a boy processes information and a girl. Among boys, some require more phyical attention getting methods than others. An excellent book to learn about male brains is; The Wonder Of Boys, by Micael Gurian..cheap on half.com.
Some of my boys needed to know that I was in charge...the alpha male if you will. Rational talk did not always succeed. Sometimes holding a young man off the floor while speaking to him opens the ear/brain circuit. Abuse, no never, but sometimes, some boys respond to physical attention getting methods.
All of my sons, now married and great fathers themselves, live close by. Two have farms touching my own farm. Grandkids wander the fields in small herds. Young Antonio had to have his auditory process enhanced yesterday...he's happy camper today because he knows who is in charge...Boys need a measure of independence together with established boundaries they cannot transgress without repercussions.

I'm not an expert, but I do have real life experience and happy healthy results. To ask, should I ever hit a kid is not the right question...more like, what does this kid need right now to help them get the message effectively and humanely.
Some will disagree...thats OK.

 

I don't even like the idea of hitting my brothers or sisters, not that I haven't haha but I'd never kid my child. My dad used to snap his belt when we were bad to scare us, it didn't take long to see he wouldn't hurt us but we didn't cause as much trouble after a while.

 

"Spare the rod, spoil the child.." ever since people started spoiling their kids their kids got away with too much and now they get this attitude..
"Oh YEAH what are YOU gunna do about it!? HUH?"

But no i don't.. I haven't had a reason to. She never does anything wrong...

 

my moms hit me only a few times in my life but it still is really bad in my opinion

 

I'm one who got the infrequent spanking at a younger age, and it was mostly to do with safety issues. Either that or to keep me from beating the crap out of my baby brother. I was about 5 and my bro was 2. I started pulling his hair. My mother witnessed me do it on one occasion and as soon as I did it, she pulled my hair in return. As soon as she did it, she immediately asked me, "that didn't feel good, did it? how do you think your brother feels when you pull his hair? He doesn't like it, does he?" and things like that to get me to think about what I'm doing and why I was punished in that sense. I do believe in this case that the punishment fit the crime and I never pulled his hair again. I got the swat on the hand as I was reaching for the top of the stove, burner was hot. (My brother burned his hand badly and we spent some time in the emergency room with his second degree burns. And that was the time my mom felt guilty as all hell that she didn't react in time. Regretting NOT slapping that hand to protect her kid. and I'm glad I got the slap. I don't have any scars on my hand as a result.) I got a swat in the butt when trying to run out into the middle of the street at a young age. Again, safety issue. But when it came to typical behavioral problems, things were handled differently. IF I threw a tantrum, I was put in my room to fuss it out until I calmed down. If I was rude to a friend, the friend went home and I wasn't allowed to have playmates over for a couple of days. If I destroyed property or made a mess, I took an active role in cleaning up the mess. My dad was a bit different and raised his voice frequently, which I found to be worse for me than the swat I received once in a blue moon until I was old enough to understand other consequences.

Yeah, this is a very touchy subject. I'd like to think that I'd never in a million years raise a hand to my kid. But when a dangerous situation arises and you need to act quickly, somtimes one doesn't have a moment to think of alternative ways to discipline a child before they seriously hurt themselves, such as the hot burner incidents. I just find it difficult to be quick to call it abuse when a parent is genuinely trying to act in the child's best interest and keep them as safe as possible.

 

As was mentioned this is a subject that people feel very strongly about, on both sides of the issue. I think the point we can all agree on is that there HAS to be some kind of discipline and boundary setting in a child's life.

I have found my children to be as different as night and day in regards to things that will get them to pay attention and change behaviors. As all of us not only differ in our opinions, but we also differ in what was done with us to discipline us, or how we react to everyday situations. With one talking and explanation helps him, or removal of some of his favorite toys or video games. With the other, talking doesn't do anything for him, at all. And removal or denial of something he wants, just isn't effective with him either, it doesn't bother him. He can have fun in a totally empty room if I choose to take it all away. It isn't a deterrent to him is really my point there. But, a single swat on the bottom, now that he responds to.

Here are my guidelines for myself to be sure that I never cross the line with him. If I am too angry and I feel the least bit out of control, a spanking is out of the question. Trust me when I say this, I am very self aware, and if I feel the DESIRE to hit my child, it doesn't happen. It is a consequence to certain actions for him, not a "punishment". It may be unpopular, or not the "in" thing, to spank your children, but some kids don't respond to any other kind of discipline. Unfortunately, I have a much younger brother who didn't respond to ANY form of discipline or consequences and is now sitting time in County lock up, waiting to see if he is going to be sentenced to prison time. If a swat on my youngster's bottom keeps this from occurring by teaching him that what he is doing is not appropriate, then I will do it. It kills me, emotionally, to see my brother in a cage, away from his kids, his woman,and his family. But, I have no illusions about the fact that he, and only he, is to blame for getting himself in there. I am a firm believer in owning your own actions, and the consequences of them.

 

ladydragon, you said it perfectly. Some boys especially have to be guided by getting their attention phyically..not to hurt them or punish them...to get the silly-asses to pay attention. Some boys run on such a high dose of testostrone that you gotta go the extra mile to get them to slow down and listen.

 

Thank you for understanding what I meant in my post. A lot of people don't understand my way of thinking about my discipline standard. I get much flak for it, with my family, who think I am too lax by the way, and my friends, who think I am too hard on one and not on the other. None of these people see the differences in the way my kids react to my actions, they just see the actions. Very discouraging and hard to live with on a fairly routine basis.

 

well said ladydragon. i have 2 boys myself and they are like night and day. my 8 yr. old dosnt respond to anything at all. ive tried talking, reasoning, taking things of value to him, you name it. although sometime raising my voice helps (a little) he just goes to the other room. he natually loud and obnoxious...my 4 yr. old is totly different. i just look at him and he knows that its wrong. then i have a daughter (13 on thursday...my lil lady) and shes sorta the same as the youngest (with herdifferences) although shes now at the age that shes more "sneaky" about her actions. (hopefully we both live troughthe teen yrs...lol) i would never want my kids afraid of me and it very important to me to keep the lines of communication open with my kids.

 

Good luck with the teen years Gypsymama. I know what they can be like, at least on the receiving end of some bad ones. My niece, whom I love and support, please don't misunderstand, is 15 and pregnant. But, she is also a child who was allowed to do and say anything she wanted to, to her mom, grandma, dad, etc. Not a ton of discipline, but for different reasons than most. My sister worked full time plus overtime, and really was just not into being disciplinary when she did have time off of work. It sounds lame to say it like that, and I always thought it was and we fought often about it. She spent a lot of time with her boyfriends, my sister, while her daughter was almost literally screaming for some time with her mom. She quit going to school, started smoking, started drinking, started having sex(at 12 I found out the other day), and her mom let her. Which honestly was the opposite of what I think my niece wanted from her. My niece and I talked about it, and I talked to my sister about it, tears were shed and things would improve for a week or two, maybe a month....then, back to the old routine. Although, my niece says they are closer now, it is more in a friendship way than a mother/daughter kind of way.

Sorry that got off track, I guess that was bothering me more than I knew. Your daughter sounds like a totally different kind of girl, and you sound like a mama who knows her kids, so you are already way ahead of my sister's curve

Communication is big in my house too, even though both of mine are boys. They know that they can come to their dad or I with anything and I hope that we are able to keep that going into their teen years. I know it can sometimes be harder with boys, at least from what I have seen.

Again, sorry for that tangent in the beginning.

 

There is a guy named Michael Gurian, who wrote two books, "The Wonder of Boys and The Mind of Boys". These books have helped me greatly in raising my sons and I have used them as homework for many of the people I see in my practice. He examines the physiological differences in brain structure between girls and boys, the differences in development timelines and the role of testostrone as guidelines to better understand boys and respond to their needs. I have raised seven sons and no two were alike. On one end of the spectrum, I have two sons who can learn from other peopes mistakes and from listening to advice/direction. The other end of the spectrum is just plain hardheaded, have to learn the hard way and often suffer painful consequences. All of my sons are grown except Danny who turns 15 tomorrow. He learns the hard way.That doesn't mean he's a bad kid at all. It's just how he learns. It saddens me to see him have to suffer from his own errors but thats his learning style. I'm there for him, I support him and he when he gets his lessons learned, he's fine. Just wish it were easier for him. Thats the way it goes though.

 

It is nice to know that I am not the only one, and thank you for the recommendations for reading material on boys. I am at a loss most of the time, having never been a boy myself