The Hidden Runaway Constructive Critisim Needed

Hello I made a post previously to this one. I posted a few paragraphs out of my story and asked if you thought I had talent in writing. Alot of you said post the full story, so here it goes! Thanks so much!

 

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. ​

Copyright © 2007 by (blanked out for security reasons)​

All rights reserved.​

First copy printed in the United Kingdom.​

​

​

This book is dedicated to my mother who ​

​

​

Has always been there for me.​

Chapter ​

1​

​

​

​

Have you ever had that feeling when you just want to strangle somebody? Well right now, that's what I'm about to do! Alex Brown a boy in my 11th grade class was snatching my work out of my hand and teasing me by putting the paper high out of my reach. He might be a fat L (loser) but he sure is tall. Not a lot of people like him but I can't help it if I have to sit in front of him in 2nd period. I would love to stay away from the creep. “Give it back loser!” I shouted at him. “What you gunna do about it? Short ass.” He questioned me with a smug grin on his face. Soon, the teacher, Mrs. Sky, saw Alex and yelled at him, “Alex Brown! Give Lindsey her math assignment now!” “Here, cry baby,” he muttered under his breath while sitting back down in his seat. I just ignored the immature boy, snatched my work out of his hand and went on with my work. ​

The classroom was small with dust in the air that made you cough. The sun shone onto all the students in the room. The windows were big and wide with flakes of paint peeling off the edges because the students that sat beside the windows always picked them out of boredom. The teacher was old. She looked like she was in her early sixties and she wore red spectacles that always seemed to fall upon her lumpy nose when she was teaching. ​

It seemed like hours before the bell rang. I love the end of the day; it’s the only time I get to see James Rowan. His brown eyes and brown wavy hair is irresistible. Lots of girls like him, but you better be popular, cute, and have lots of friends before you ask him out. I'm just a normal girl with one best friend, Nancy, and I knew if I ever asked James out I would be going way out of my league. ​

I had a locker right next to his which was what most girls dreamed of having. He was tall, handsome and he came from a wealthy family. What more could a girl ask for? Tapping my pen in anticipation on the desk I looked at the round clock above the board. The teacher finally dismissed my row to our lockers. I jumped up and ran to my locker eager to get a glimpse of James. Walking out of my classroom I looked busily around for James, not paying attention I tripped over an abandoned math book in the crowded hallway, and fell. I got up absolutely humiliated. ​

Just then I saw James heading over. “Oh no,” I mumbled to myself trying to hide my face, I scraped up some of my books. He continued walking, looking at me. He casually bent over and extended his hand towards me. I just about fainted. I took his hand and got up, staring into his deep brown eyes. “Thanks.” I uttered shyly, quickly bending down to gather the rest of my books. “Hey no problem any time.” He said with a grin on his face. He smoothly walked away while I got up with my battered books and walked stiffly away. I stuffed my books in my locker and slammed it shut. ​

Heading for my bus my best friend appeared around the corner, I pretended to ignore her because I wasn’t in the mood. She followed behind me like a stray puppy determined to get my attention. “Hey! Lindsey, wait up.” Nancy hollered, quickening her pace. I whipped around and looked at Nancy with an angry stare, a stare that could’ve killed. “Did you see that? I was so stupid!” I shouted slapping my forehead. Nancy laughed, “You mean when you fell over?” I guessed that was a rhetorical question so I didn’t reply, instead I shook my head and began to turn around. “Yes I saw, why you so worried about it? At least he talked to you.” Nancy replied. “Yes I guess your right." I said tiredly. “I’m going to get going now anyway or I'll miss my bus, see you tomorrow. "I waved her goodbye and slowly made my way toward the buses. ​

The bus ride was bumpy and loud. People in the back were standing up and tapping other people on the head. I stared out of the window and watched the trees passing by. They reminded me about my dad and how he used to cut the dead trees down in the back yard every summer. He used to always call me out afterwards to help him pick up all the leftover twigs and have a twig war, my mom would then come out and fuss about how dirty we both looked. She used to watch us out of the kitchen window laughing. A tear came to my eye thinking of how he died and how unfair it was. I wiped away the tear and took deep breaths. The last thing I wanted was for the kids on the bus to see me crying like a big baby. It seemed hours before my stop came. I hated rides on the bus. I felt so isolated. All the other kids seemed to have friends they could sit beside, but not me.​

Finally I got to my stop and hopped off the bus. The trees blew in the light wind and the leaves rustled about while little children tried to chase them. Looking down the street I saw James, he was riding his shiny, sparkling BMX bike. I noticed him coming my way and my cheeks turned bright red. “Hey, aren't you Lindsey, the girl that dropped her books in the hallway?” He asked curiously. “Yes, that's me,” I muttered. I wasn’t too happy about the fact that he remembered me from the incident earlier on. “Oh right, well I've heard you’re really smart, how about coming over to my house to study?” I realized we had no classes together so we couldn't study, so maybe he really did like me. My heart went pitter-patter as I replied, “Yes I guess I could come, I mean I have nothing else to do anyway.” As he rode off on his bike he shouted over his red jacket, “Come over around five o‘clock tomorrow!” “Okay” I hollered back, just as he was disappearing around the corner.​

I was so excited about the next day to come, I was so anxious to meet James and study with the coolest guy in the 11th grade! I couldn't wait to brag to my friend Nancy she would practically be jealous I got a date with the hottest guy in school. She can’t even get a date with a nerd. Believe me I saw her try. She went up to a guy named Greg, a nerd, and asked him out to a dinner at Ham's Restaurant and a movie at her house after and guess what he said? “ Sorry I don't eat meat I'm a vegetarian.”​

He walked away before she even got to say we could go and get a salad instead. I headed home feeling a bit more happier than what I was earlier. ​

After the long ten-minute walk I sank down on my bed. The sun was still shining in through the window where the curtains were left open. As I was laying on my bed I looked up and stared at the ceiling. Thinking of my luck about James. I couldn’t believe it. I extended my right arm over my bed and tugged out a diary from my top draw. My dad bought me it just two weeks before he had died. I was so special to me. I flipped to the back and noticed there were quite a few pages left blank. I snagged a pen out of the same draw and began to write about today’s events. I put the pen lid back on the black ball point pen and closed the diary shut. Closing my eyes I felt a slight relief.​

 

Chapter

2



The next morning I woke with the start of my alarm clock. I tapped it and jumped out of bed. About five minutes later I ran downstairs already dressed and ready for breakfast, which surprised my mom because she usually has to drag me out of bed. “Hey, you’re up early.” Mom said. “Yeah I wanted to get an early start today.” I said stirring my porridge realising it had big lumps in it and pushed it aside with a dissatisfying look. “Well that’s a big change.” Mom laughed to herself. I quickly looked at my watch and realised I would be late if I didn’t set off now. “Yes I know, I have to go now see you later mom!”

“But you didn’t eat your porridge!” Mom protested. I was already out of the door and headed out into the cool spring morning. I wore my best outfit to school that day. I wore a plain jean skirt and a pink tank top and my favourite pair of long black boots.

At school, I kept looking at the clock in the classroom all day hoping to see it finally reach 12:30, which is our lunch break. It seemed to drag longer than what it usually did. At lunch, Nancy sat beside me as usual; she had a tray full of mashed potatoes with sausages stuck in the middle. The potatoes were those stereotypical cafeteria potatoes with big lumps in them, which put me off mashed potatoes for good. “What is wrong with you today? You‘ve been acting all giddy and watching the clock all day.” She asked curiously. “You won't believe me even if I told you,” I replied snottily. “Come on, you can tell me,” she begged.

All of a sudden, my insides burst and I yelled, “I got a date with James Rowan!” “Okay for real; tell me the truth,” she asked uncertainly.

“See I told you wouldn't believe me if I told you.” “Oh my gosh your not lying,” she said unbelievably. I picked at my mashed potatoes. I was too excited to eat.

After lunch that day I went to my last class dreaming about my first kiss, I was about to receive that afternoon. “Lindsey!” The math teacher called, “pay attention!” “Sorry Mrs. Sky.” I answered.

RING! The bell rang for first load that was my cue to start packing. I ran to my locker, but had to do my lock combination five times before I finally opened it. I stuffed my books in my bag and ran down the hall.

“Hey! Lindsey stop!” I turned around to see Nancy behind me.

“What?” I asked impatiently. “You left your locker open and I need to talk to you! It's about James I think...” “Shoot!” I shouted. “Can you close it for me I'm kind of in a hurry?” I ran off before she got another word in.

I rushed out the door, ran down the sidewalk toward the yellow bus. The bus dropped me off at my regular stop. When the bus had left, I put down my book bag and stopped. I bent down and drew out the make-up bag I had thrown in that morning. I put a dab of blush on my cheeks so it wouldn't look too much and a quick swift of eye shadow and lip-gloss. I threw the pink make-up bag in my book bag and started walking casually toward James' house. I rang the doorbell, which I noticed had gold lions pushed in to match the house. It was a nice looking 2-story house with two tiny windows at the very top, which I had thought to be the attic.

James opened the door, as I was looking up at the attic windows.

“Hey, did you bring the books?” He said in his cool casual voice. “Yeah,” I replied cooly. We just stood there; I looked around and decided to break the tension. “Well aren't you going to invite me in?” I said smiling.

“Oh Yeah sorry about that come on in.” James muttered wiping his forehead. I walked in astounded to find the place groomed in high quality and very expensive furniture. His parents seemed to be into antiques since they had several cabinets full of them. “Let's go in the living room,” he said interrupting my thoughts. He sat down normally, while I waited for him to say how much he liked me I played with my hair twirling it around my forefinger. The fan was on low and I could feel a slight breeze every few seconds flowing through my hair.

“Well I’ve got a lot of catching up to do so where should we start?” He asked in a doubtful voice. “What?” I asked unsurely. “Studying, that is what we are here to do, right?” He looked at me with a weird face. “Oh, I thought you were going to ask me something, I mean I didn’t really think you wanted to study.” I said looking down at my books. “Ask you what?” James asked with a curious look on his face. “Oh it’s nothing don’t worry about it.” I said blushing. I‘m not really the shy type so I kind of went along with it hoping he‘d get the hint. “Lindsey, tell me, what is it? You can talk to me.” He answered. “I thought you were going to ask me out.” I said blushing.

“Where did you get

an idea like that?” He asked naively. “We have no classes together so why would you possibly want to study with me.” “Oh, didn't I tell you?” “Tell me what?” I asked starting to feel steam coming out of my ears because I had a horrible feeling I had made a mistake. “I'm asking you to help me because I'm switching to your class.” He answered. “Your friend Nancy was in my old class and told me to ask you to be my tutor because your smart, and well we are way behind in my other class and I needed help catching up.” “Oh.” Was all I could say.

I packed my books fast and left in a hurry so he couldn't have time to ask me questions. I cried all the way home. I opened the front door quietly and I ran into my bedroom slamming my door shut and locked it. I didn't even bother changing clothes I just cried myself to sleep. The next morning I tried to fake sick the best way I knew how I even ran the thermometer under hot water, making sure that the red line went all the way up. I lied in bed and when my mom came in I passed her it. She shook her head. “Lindsey, if your temperature was this high, you’d be dead. Now get ready for school and stop acting so silly.” I dragged myself to school that day knowing it was going to be the worst.

 

Chapter

3



I got on the bus and stared aimlessly out the window. The bus screeched when parking in the parking lot. My bus driver Mrs. Sally-May waited until the bus director said we could go. Finally, after all the buses got there, but one, she let us go. Sally-May opened the bus doors when a big gust of wind came through. It was windy that day, but still the sun was shining, unlike me.

I walked out on the grubby parking lot where it had never been paved, and looked at the ground as I walked, seeing saw old black sticky chewing gum, mud and even little dints that make your car go boom flop when going over them too fast. I knew I couldn't keep my mind off James even if I tried my hardest to forget about the whole situation, I would end back up at the thought that haunted her ever so restlessly. Who ever told her me he was switching to different classes I thought angrily, it was all Nancy's fault.

I ran quickly to the nearest girls’ bathroom, walking in slowly I looked around to see if there was anybody else there.

“Well no one here but me.” I sighed a long heavy sigh of grief.

Sinking down in the corner of the girl's lonely bathroom I started to cry tears dripping down my face. It was as if they were saying

“We’re free we're free, free at last!”

Everything was messed up, my life was ruined. Just then, a bang was heard outside the door and I stopped crying to listen. “No stop!” I heard a girl cry. “Just leave me alone!” That was when I felt a tense swell up in me, I was scared for her and the girl’s safety. Stood shaking, I put my head to the door trying to get every word in.

Suddenly a man‘s voice boomed towards the door. “Fine! But don't forget about tonight.” He said it in an edgy voice I knew I couldn't trust. Suddenly, I moved from the door and ran in a stall. The door slowly opened and a small frail girl stepped in and just stood they're crying. I couldn’t quite see that if she was being abused, like I had herd a few seconds ago, why did she wear all named brand clothes, shoes and expensive jewellery?

Unsurely I stepped out of the stall, which startled the girl. The morning girl covered her face in embarrassment and headed for the door.

“No, wait. It'll be okay.”

“How do you know?”

“I heard what happened.” I stated embarrassingly of my nosiness.

“Look,” said the frail girl, you don‘t know anything about me.

“I didn’t say I did.”

The vulnerable girl began to reach for the door, but this time I stepped in front of it. “What are you doing?” She squealed.

The girl had a scared look in her eyes and I realised I didn’t mean to frighten her so I backed away from the door. “Look you can tell me, I won’t say anything to anyone, and maybe I can help you.” I offered.

“I have seen you around school; you always seem to eat lunch on your own. Maybe its time you had someone you could talk to?” I explained with a sympathetic tone.

The girl’s eyes dropped to her feet as she shuffled them.

“How do I know I can trust you?”

“Because you can’t trust anyone else.”

The girl dropped to her knees and sat down. “My name’s Elizabeth, five years ago my mom and dad were killed in a car accident. I have had to live with my aunty, my mother’s sister, and her boyfriend.” She wiped away a few trickling tears and continued. “I had a sister, two years older than me her name was Lea, she was my best friend, I could talk to her about anything. She was my only living relative left apart from my aunt and uncle, that’s who I live with now, the first night we both moved into my mom’s sisters house we were both scared. My aunt is an alcoholic and her husband is abusive.” Elizabeth said shakily.

“I was only twelve and depended on my sister for support because she was such a strong person. They let my sister and I get on with whatever we wanted to do as long as we didn’t get in their way, they didn‘t have to feed us or buy us clothes, mom and dad took care of that in their will. They had left us a each a fortune, about 3 million each my mother and father were rich and they wanted to make sure that me and my sister were well looked after if something happened to them. Then five months later I came back from school and noticed that my sister’s school bag and shoes were in the hallway. She went to the High School and I was still in Middle School and always left fifteen minutes after me and I always got home thirty minutes before her. I thought that maybe she wasn’t feeling too well so she went back to bed.” Elizabeth said sobbing.

“I went up stairs to see if she was there, and.. and..” Elizabeth burst into tears and began to sob uncontrollably. I moved towards her to hug her but she put her hands up and pushed me away. “NO! Let me finish I want you to hear the full story, I need to let it out.” She wiped away her tears and took deep breaths; I scooted back a little on the floor to give her some space. The floor was dirty and looked like it hasn’t been cleaned in years. Spiders crawled along the floor with parts of their web trailing behind them that got stuck to their legs.

“I found my sister on her bed; I went over to her and tried to wake her up. She didn’t turn round so I thought maybe she was asleep because she has always been a deep sleeper. About an hour later she still didn’t wake up, so I rolled her over and I found a knife through her chest. I screamed and grabbed for the phone to dial the police.” “A few weeks later we had her funeral, forensics say she stabbed herself, committed suicide. I knew this wasn’t true Lea was not like that, she wouldn’t have done that to me, leave me on my own with nobody... nobody I could trust.” Elizabeth covered up her face with her hands and began to cry again.

“I’m so sorry for your loss; it’s awful to lose somebody when they are so close.” I spoke. “I lost my dad when I was five to cancer; I don’t remember him much. My mom keeps pictures of him all around the house. Ever since my house has never been the same, he was the life to our house, the ‘heart of the home’ as some people say.” I smiled thinking about my dad and how pleasant he was and how everybody loved him.

“Yeah, well I lost my Mom, my dad, my big sister,

and her two million that she left.” Elizabeth grunted. “What? Where did all her money go?” I asked curiously. “Next year when I will be eighteen, me and my sister were going to move abroad with all our money, put it all together and buy a nice big house up in Spain.

“Nice warm weather and a fresh start. Forget all our troubles. She often wrote about it in her diary, I saw her, she’d sit there for hours just writing page after page of all her hopes and dreams.” Elizabeth laughed grimly. “She used to lock it up and hide the key, and when I would ask her why she did that she said that sometimes my curiosity leads me into trouble, I haven‘t been able to find her diary since. I was looking for it to see if maybe she put what she would have liked at her funeral. I went to the bank the following weekend to see how much we had and how much I could spend on her funeral, when I had a look her money was gone.” Elizabeth frowned, wiping a tear away from her eye.

“Never seen it since.” Elizabeth said looking towards me like she was searching for an answer to her sister and parents' deaths.

“Do you have any idea of who might have taken it?” I asked inquisitively. “Well if I did I wouldn’t be sitting here on the floor talking to you, now would I? I’d be finding the bastard that took it.”

Elizabeth stared at the floor with pure hate and this is when I realised that her sisters death was for a reason, and I was going to find out why.

 

Chapter

4



I looked at my alarm the next morning; I wasn’t able to sleep at all because of the previous day’s events that still lingered in my mind. I stared aimlessly at the alarm two minutes before it went off. I covered my face with the pillow and groaned. “Lindsey! Time to get up for school!” My Mom shouted from downstairs. “Yeah yeah I’m coming! God!” I shouted back. I got up, got dressed and straightened my hair. Looking into the mirror I noticed my eyes had bags under them and my eyelids drooped. I managed to get downstairs only ten minutes late.

“I see your change didn’t last long.” My mom stared at me with a frown.

“Rough night last night, couldn’t sleep.” I said groggily rubbing my eyes while yawning. “Your getting behind in your schoolwork Lindsey, you know this isn’t what your dad would’ve wanted.” “You know what? Piss of mom, you always going on and on just leave me the hell alone!” I shouted at her walking out of the door. “Don’t you talk to me like that Lindsey Roberts! Your not too old to be grounded Missy!” She shouted after me.

Arriving at school I noticed Nancy, she stuck her hand up and waved at me. I headed over to her, shuffling my feet.

“Hey”

“Hello! Why weren’t you at school yesterday?” She questioned me.

“Err something came up.” I lied, looking around for Elizabeth.

“Oh well you missed a maths test.” Nancy said.

“Yeah well tell me something that isn’t new.” I said grumpily.

Just then I saw Elizabeth’s head pop up above the crowd, she was walking towards the fountain. Passing my way through the crowd I hurried over to her leaving Nancy with a baffled look on her face.

“Hi Elizabeth.” She turned round to look at me. Her eyes were cloudy and red around the edges.

“Oh hi.” She replied.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered curiously.

“Nothing.” She said pushing past people while disappearing into the crowd out of sight.

Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder; I turned round to see Nancy staring at me with livid eyes. “Fine then, don’t want to talk to me, go piss off with her then!” Nancy yelled walking off. I stood there in the middle of the crowd upset and angry at the same time. I knew something had happened with Elizabeth and I had made Nancy mad by ignoring her. I didn’t mean to ignore her, I guess I never thought she would get jealous. The bell rang and I started walking towards my first lesson. I looked at my timetable, Science next, great. Just what I needed, another boring lesson.

At lunch I didn’t feel much like eating. I walked about a bit wondering what to do in the thirty minutes I had left. The sun was shining and it seemed to be a humid sunny day. I noticed a vacant bench a few yards away and headed towards it. I opened my backpack and got out a copy of “Here My Cry,” I had to read it for English anyway. Might as well get a head start on it, keep my mom off my back for a while. A few minutes later I glanced up from my book to see Elizabeth running behind James. I looked inquisitively at what she was doing.

Elizabeth stepped closer stepping on a twig by accident. James looked around closing his cell phone and Elizabeth stopped like a deer caught in front of a car’s headlights. She quickly hid behind the tree next to her. James looked around curious of who he had heard. Convinced that he must have been hearing things he turned back around and continued walking up towards where I was sat. Quietly she stepped out from behind the tree and casually walked off near the cafeteria doors. My curiosity increased and I thought about going to talk to Elizabeth, but I didn’t get the chance, James was already on his way.

The day was bright; I was in such a hurry to get home instead of loitering the front of the school. I quickly crammed all my books into my locker and headed towards the exit of the school. Two days earlier I would have never thought that there could be the slightest possible chance that my day could have gone so well. I hurried onto the next available bus and took a seat on the squishy brown leather seats. They were soft with use and had little pieces of foam hanging out the edges where the stitches had given way.

I looked out the window, my head in the palms of my hands. Going through today’s events in my mind that seemed to be so exhilarating. The only thing that I didn’t quite understand was why was Elizabeth following behind James. Maybe it was her

that gave him the idea to ask me out on a proper date. I shook my head, yeah that must have been it. If it was I had some very important thanking to be given out. She made it possible for James to ask me, yes me, on a date. When I was sat outside at dinner and he just casually walked up to me just before the bell went and apologized to me about the previous day’s events. I was dumbfounded. He asked me if I would like to go to a dinner and a movie next Saturday night, and of course I wouldn’t pass up that opportunity. I was so pleased.

I shook the thoughts out from my head noticing it was my stop next. I gathered my belongings and lifted my head up above the seat in front of me waiting to see when I could get up. I eventually got off the bus and gleefully walked down the sidewalk. Thinking about that night was the main priority on my mind. James had asked me out and I couldn’t decide what I was going to wear. Nancy still didn’t know. I wonder what she would say? At last I reached my bed, exhausted, I plopped down on it. Looking around I noticed my diary that I had thrown in my drawer previously. I pulled it out and started writing in it again.

 

Chapter

5



The sun shown down on the little picket fence that laid around the out skirts of the garden. Elizabeth looked at the bed next to hers. It was empty. I

She closed my eyes and tried to forget everything, tried to make the pain go away. The face of her sister, the conversations they had shared, and the laughs they had both let out. She quickly wiped away an escaping tear. There wasn’t a day of which she didn’t think about Lea. Elizabeth rolled over; she couldn’t bear to face the vacant bed. “Elizabeth Get down stairs if you want your dinner!” Her aunt’s voice echoed up the narrow staircase. Her voice made Elizabeth shiver. She slid out from under her bed covers and shakily got up.

Downstairs it was hot and stuffy, full of thick cigarette smoke. She let out a slight cough while trying to eat her pizza and fries. Looking into the living room she caught a glimpse of her uncle. He was sprawled out on the couch with a beer can in his extended left hand. What a waste of space he was. If he wasn't beating up his wife he was trying to make her life a living hell. He caught her staring.

“What ya lookin’ at rat ass?”

“Uh.. nothing, sorry.”

“Kids these days. Don‘t even know what the hell they doin’ half the time.”

She stabbed at the last few fries on her plate and got up hurriedly. She just wanted to go back upstairs, where the air was at least breathable. Elizabeth got up and headed for the kitchen sink. She disposed of the plate and fork and headed back upstairs. Heading through the living room her heart beated fast. Not in a good way. She tried her best to dodge her uncle the best way she could without making it look entirely obvious to him. The room was small. It had old antique ornaments in a special cupboard. She guessed they were her aunt's. After all her uncle didn't exactly look like the collector type, unless it was beer cans. “Oi, you rat bag get outta the fucking TV. will ya?” Her uncle slurred. “Sorry” Elizabeth stammered with fear quickening her pace to the flight of stairs in the hallway, which ascended to her room.

Upstairs Elizabeth began to think about Lindsey. She had been so helpful to her, so understanding with all her problems. It had been a long time Elizabeth had confided with someone she trust. A long time since anyone cared. She rested herself upon her bed again and drifted asleep. Elizabeth woke up suddenly; she looked out of the window. It was dark and there were no stars in the sky. She pulled her curtains to a close and glanced at her clock on the bedside table. It was a little after two o’clock in the morning. She wiped her eyes free from sleep and sat up.

While her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw a dark figure in the corner of her room. Her heart raced. Her hands shook in fear. She scurried to the corner of her bed as far away from the dark figure as possible. “What ya so freakin scared about eh?” Her uncle spitted. Sitting in that chair, he didn’t look like her uncle. He looked like a mad raving lunatic that tortured people, especially little girls. “What do you want?” Elizabeth asked trying not to sound scared. “I’ve told ya once too many times ya don’t go talkin’ to strangers haven’t I?” He said raising his voice. He sprang up out of his chair and grabbed her throat. “I.. I don’t know what you’re talking about... I swear.” She whimpered struggling to breathe. Was this how her life was to end? Would he strangle her right here, right now? She feared her uncle and tried to release his hand from her throat. He loosened his grip and eventually let go.

“ I know you’ve been talkin’ to that girl at school.” He said sneering down at her. His breath smelled of alcohol and she tried hard not to gip. “If I catch ya again it will be the last thing ya do, ya got me?” Elizabeth didn’t understand how he knew. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t talk to Lindsey any more. She didn’t dare ask her alcoholic uncle.

“I won’t.”

“Good ya better not do eaither.”

He left the room slamming the door behind him. Elizabeth rubbed her throat. He had left a red mark where he had held his grip tightly. She looked at the door still trembling. She didn’t want him to come back in. She was so afraid of him. She was defenceless against his massive body. Even if he was quite small, he was still very fat and he could easily smother her. He had a mass of brown hair that looked like it hadn’t been brushed in years. He had yellow teeth and a few missing. She shuddered at the thought of him.

Elizabeth laid down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Maybe one day she could have a life of her own. With a man that would care for her, not abuse her like her uncle did to her aunt, but treat her like she was the only thing he ever cared for. She could get away from this dump and live life. Her anger started to rise. Was there even any point in living? If life is so good, then why do people die. Why do people get theirs taken away from them. She wiped a tear away from her eye. She began to wonder how much better life would be if only her sister was still alive. Turning on her side she fell asleep.

“I said I don’t know Ray!”

“Ya do know, I know ya know!”

Elizabeth rolled over and glanced at her alarm clock. 9am and they were already at it again. She sat up, it was Saturday so she had no school. No escape from this hell hole. The sun shined through the derelict windows and the tatty curtains. Her aunt and uncle refused to let her decorate her room, even though Elizabeth offered to pay for it with her own inheritance.

“Tell me or I'll..”

You’ll what Ray? Hit me? Like you’ve done for the past fuckin’ 5 years we’ve been married?”

Elizabeth heard a loud slap echo through the narrow staircase. Her aunt began to sob. And Ray had no mercy for his vulnerable wife.

“I can’t take this any more.”

Yea’ well ya deserved it.”

“How do I deserve THIS?” She shouted through gritting teeth.

“Ya run ya mouth at me what ya expect? I’m your fuckin’ husband not your kid ya can bad mouth and get away with it.”



Vikki Harrows was not a lady to be messed with. She had short brown hair and brown eyes. Her face was wrinkly with age and she wore blue rimmed glasses. She could only put up with so much, and then she cracked. She hated her sister’s smart daughter living with her. She hated the fact she never was given the chance to have a child. That chance was gone, taken away from her when she was in her early forties. Like Ray would of ever given her a child anyways. He couldn't even look after himself, let alone a newborn baby. He was pathetic and she was sick and tired of him. Lazing around the house all day only talking to her when he wanted another can of beer from the fridge.

Deep down, Vikki always thought she could of made it into Hollywood when she was younger. Famous singer. She had a great voice, so she was told by everyone but her husband, not like she needed telling. She knew she had a voice of an angel. If only she would of run off with the record producer to California. She was so close to making her dream come true, until her sister, Elizabeth’s dead mother, Rose stopped her. She had hated her ever since.

When Rose died, Vikki felt so guilty. Not because it was her fault Rose had died, but because she had held a grudge on her only sister for over thirty years. A tear began to fall down her left cheek. She missed her sister and she felt so sorry for her daughter. But she wasn’t going back. Not to her husband. Elizabeth could fight her own battles she reassured herself. She was old enough.



Elizabeth heard a slam of the front door and her uncle cracking open a can of beer. Great, another day ruined. How many more was there going to be before she could be happy again Like she was with her mother and father. Even if her father did work all the time. He did it for a reason. To keep them all in a wealthy lifestyle, give his two daughters and his wife everything they ever wanted. Her mom was always there if she needed help with homework or a nasty spill had gotten on her new favourite blouse. Her mother and father were so great. She missed them both, as well as her sister.

Getting up out of bed she noticed a torn piece of white and pink paper. Picking it up she noticed what it was instantly. Her hand trembled.





Chapter

6



The crisp new summer’s morning shined through my bedroom window. The trees swayed in a light breeze and the birds chirped like they were singing in a choir.

“Lindsey get up breakfast is ready!”

“Ugh.”

“LINDSEY!”

“Coming mom!” I shouted back groggily getting up. I looked down and noticed my dairy I had been writing in the previous night on the floor. Picking it up I chucked it on my nightstand and headed downstairs.

“Your breakfast will be cold.”

“Sorry.”

“Lindsey?”

“What?”

“Your not.. You’re not doing drugs are you?”

“What!?”

“If you are Lindsey, I want to know, you won’t be in trouble I just want to help you.”

“I’m not mom I swear, why would you think that?”

“Early nights, late mornings, your attitude, your grades, it’s just not like you.”

“That’s because something has gone off at school. Not because I’m taking drugs. How could you think that?” I said getting up abruptly. Walking out of the door I took a backward glance at my mother and slammed the door.

Wonderful Saturday. Surely there was such days that could be more wonderful than this exact moment. Shaking the negative thoughts out of my head I focused on the date I was going to have with James the following Saturday. My heart skipped a beat. He was so perfect, she wasn’t the only girl in the 11th grade to think so eaither. He was perfect I assured myself.

“Hey Lindsey, where you going?” Nancy asked looking a bit grim. “Oh hey, I was just off for a walk around, just to get out of the house.” I said. “Want to come to mine for a bit? Have a chat and some lunch?” She asked politely. I really should go, I thought to myself. I had neglected her for a while, putting her last after Elizabeth on more than one occasion. “Yes sure, why not?” I replied smiling.

Arriving at her house gave me a feel of discomfort, just like it always had. She had such a Wealthy lifestyle, unlike me. I mean, yeah our house was clean and average, but Nancy’s was brilliant. 3 Story brick house with a in-ground pool located at the back of her yard. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a patio, a den, a living room, a computer room and even a play room where they kept their animals. This was the life I thought sinking down into a big poofy chair on the patio.

“Hey Lindsey, I haven’t seen you around in quite a while.” Mrs. Green stated brining out some chocolate chip cookies and coke on a silver tray.

“Oh, I’ve been busy, with studying and all.” I lied. Taking a cookie I bit into the soft chewy centre.

“Studying?” Nancy laughed.

“Yeah, what's so funny about that?” I asked defensively. “Lindsey the last time I saw you study was when you were learning how to kiss, and you only lasted a day.” She said hiding another laugh. “Yeah, alright you caught me. I admit I have left you for Elizabeth, but Nancy you don’t understand, she is in big trouble and only I can help her.” I said taking a sip of the ice cold coke. “Why what has happened that’s so bad?” She asked emphizing on the word ‘so.’ “I can’t tell you, it would be a breach of trust if I did.” I said taking another cookie from the newly polished silver tray. Nancy grunted and began to drink her coke.

“Honestly, Lindsey I don’t see what’s so secretive about Elizabeth. She looks like another stuck up high-class teenage girl to me.” I looked at her with outraged eyes. “What did you just say?” I snarled. “Well she doesn’t go around in rags does she?” That was it. I wasn’t going to take any more of Nancy’s stuck-up remarks. “I’m leaving.” I said getting up. “Fine.” Nancy said crossing her arms.

Walking home the rain started to fall. I knew I should of drove, I thought to myself. The wind started to pick up and the sky darkened. Howling winds came from everywhere and it looked like there was about to be a tornado. Hurriedly I started to walk faster, pulling my coat tighter to my neck. Walking into my house I noticed it was quiet.

“Mom?”

“Mom, are you home?”

Realising she must of gone to bingo, I took off my wet clothes and put on some warm comfy pyjamas.

Sinking down onto my bed I felt relieved. Just then I heard my cell phone start to vibrate on the bedside cabinet. Lifting my head I reached towards the phone I tiredly answered.

“Hello?”

“Lindsey it’s me, Elizabeth.”

Her voice sounded muffled and she seemed to be whispering. I sat up on my bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can I come stay with you for a while? It’s my uncle, I think he.. I think he..”

Just then I herd a scream and the phone went dead.

“Elizabeth? Elizabeth?”

Realising someone or something had made her hang up, I started to worry. I tried to ring her back but her phone was switched off. I didn't know what I could do. My heart raced.

 

Chapter

7

Waking up on the Sunday morning I had a feeling, a feeling something was not right. Sitting up on my bed I reached for my cell phone. It was 11am. Searching my contacts I selected Elizabeth’s number. Waiting anxiously for her to answer, I soon found that it still was switched off. Deciding the best thing to do was to go see her, I closed my cell phone and headed downstairs for some breakfast.

Arriving downstairs I expected my breakfast to be ready made on the table. It wasn’t. My mom seemed not to be here eaither.

“Mom?” Silence broke through the house and I heard my faint voice echo return back to my attentive ears.

“Mom are you home?”

I had no idea where she could be at this time. Going to her bedroom I knocked on the door. Opening the door I noticed a pile or mess. Things where scattered everywhere, clothes astray. My heart began to beat fast. Had we been robbed? Where was my mother? Scraping through piles, looking for an answer my heart started beating faster and faster. Finding nothing, I sat back on her bed and sighed, trying to hold in my tears. Wiping my eyes I looked up. Noticing a rumpled note taped to her dresser mirror. Snatching the note from the mirror I read eagerly.



Lindsey,

I know this may come as a shock to you, as it did me. I need a break. I am being wore down, I am only thirty-five years old and I am sat in the house everyday doing the same things I did years ago. It’s time for me to have a change. I would never leave you but I think you can handle the house on your own for a few days. I will be home soon. There is money in the fruit bowl on the kitchen table if you need anything.

Lots of love,

Mom



I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say. I stared at the note. Was it me that had made her disappear? What if something happened to her? Pushing that thought out of my head I tucked the note safely in my front pocket. Reaching in the fruit bowl for my car keys I saw the money my mom had left me. Five hundred dollars. It wasn’t a lot to keep the house running for long, so maybe she wasn’t going to be gone as long as I had assumed.

In the car I tried to relaxed, turning on some music at a decent volume I started the engine and headed off towards Elizabeth’s house a few blocks away. Having the wind sweep my long blonde hair felt great. I loved my car. A red Cadillac, my mom had bought it for me on my sixteenth. She said my dad always wanted me to get this car, and she had followed through with his wishes.

The weather had seemed to change drastically overnight. Last night as I was looking out of my window, it looked as if there was a tornado on it’s way to tear down all half the whole town and all the innocent people with it. Today however, it was hot and the sun was pouring down on me. Global warming had started to take it’s toil on the earth’s atmosphere. Each day there was fear of being killed by the violent strikes of nature.

Reaching for my sunglasses in the glove compartment the car began to rattle. Looking up from the glove compartment I noticed black smoke coming from the engine. Pressing the breaks quickly I jumped out of the car. Popping the hood I become aware of flames starting to proceed around the car. Backing away from my red Cadillac I noticed oil pouring from the car. Stepping backwards from the car I fell over a stranded log at the side of the road. I tumbled over just as the car blew up. Right in front of me. My eyes began to blur and at the side of the road, next to my blown up car, I laid.



“I know what you did!” Elizabeth screamed at her uncle.

“You know nothing!” Her uncle screamed at her

“ I saw part of her diary you left behind when you left my room that night. It came off the bottom of your shoe.” Elizabeth’s jaw tightened in anger and in fear.

Her uncle laughed. “You stupid, naive, little girl.”

“How dare you patronise me. I’ll find a way to prove it, and when I do, I’m coming for you, you son of a bitch!” Running towards the front door Elizabeth’s uncle tried to restrain her. Kicking backwards, her uncle withdrew dropping to his knees in pain.

Slamming the door behind her, she ran like she never ran before. Her shoes pounded at the pavement. Turning around the corner she began to head for a small side ally. She had never ran this hard in her life, her heart began to pound harder and harder. She didn’t know where she was going to go. All she knew was she wasn’t looking back. Ever.

The sun was scorching down on the town and many people had summer clothes on, even if it was near winter time. The trees swayed and the birds chirped up high on their pedestals. Looking down on the town it seems so quiet for such a lovely, tranquil place. Cars drove by silently, with no smoke coming from their pipes. Pollution had been reduced, yet still the earth’s ice caps and mountains all seemed to be melting. Polar Bears where now a thing in the past, but it was always something there deep down in the back of one’s minds that could not be forgotten. So many had spoke of this revelation decades ago, but only few believed or cared. Now the people that the sun shone down on, these were the people who would have to pay the price.

Arriving near the local shop, Elizabeth looked around wondering what she could do. Pulling out her cell phone she tried switching it on. The battery soon died. She regretted not charging it the previous night. Looking towards the shopping centre she noticed a telephone booth. Feeling a few round objects in her front pocket she decided it would be he only option. Walking over to it her heart was still racing. She tried to calm herself and breathed heavily in and out. Reaching in to her denim front pockets of her jeans she pulled out a few cents. Counting it hopefully she was relieved to find she had enough to ring one person. Looking around worriedly she tried to hastily dial Lindsey’s phone number. She waited several minutes but there was no answer. Was Lindsey ignoring her? Feelings of disappointment and worry rushed over her.

Deciding that her only option would have to be to walk to Lindsey’s house she turned around. Through the window she saw a evil grinning face staring at her of the phone booth. Her heart struck with pain and terror. He was back, and he wasn’t going to go away easily. Running for her life she charged out of the phone booth just escaping her Uncle’s grasp.

 

My mind set is so far from that of a teenage girl that I find it hard to identify. Spelling is good, grammar is not bad. Can't really identify with the story line enough to really get interested. Probably your female teenage readers will really like it.

If you're going to break up your story into chapters, which is a good idea, you should cut and paste until you have one chapter per post here. Chapter 1 should have left justified text instead of centred text.

 

At the risk of sounding like a creepy voyeur (which is kind of how reading this made me feel), I'm going to say that I was positively charmed by the first protagonist. She seems like a bright and very likable person, who I somehow picture wearing grandmother clothes and big black geeky glasses and still being able to make it work for her in a way that very few people her age could appreciate. Your descriptions are very good and even though I'm sure this is intended for and better suited to a younger audience, I did get hooked in by all the nostalgia you've conjured up-- bus rides out to the countryside, unrequited high school crushes, books and pencils and I LOVE that everyone still rides a bike and doesn't think it's lame. I'm also intrigued by the potential dark turn that this story can take... especially since the protagonist (Lindsey) seems so demure... I keep thinking of that film 'Heavenly Creatures', or another great one 'The Celebration' (or maybe it's called 'The Ceremony'... I can't remember). Both of these films involve two girls getting together to exact a bloody revenge on the people who are oppressing them in some way... I'm not sure if that's what you had in mind, but I could definitely see it happening here, and it would be especially shocking since your lead character seems so harmless. Though since your story is called 'The Hidden Runaway', I don't think that's what you had in mind...

I do have some criticisms, though:

First, you MUST get rid of those first two sentences, as well as a lot of the questions she asks herself. They seem cliched and even though they suit the lead character well, they slow down the action and don't add much to the story. I'm not saying your character needs more of an edge, that would definitely wreck the story... but I think you could do without questions like 'What more could a girl ask for?'...

There are some grammar errors, and they are distracting, but not to the point of incoherence...

Also, the villains (the abusive, possibly murderous aunt and uncle) are far too cartoonish to take seriously. I like that they're nasty and irresponsible, but making them 'evil' to the point of having them stalk the protagonist like something out of a horror movie is a bit much. I think your story would benefit from making them a bit more sympathetic... so we hate them, but can still sort of understand why they are the way they are. That would fit the more realistic tone of the great first chapter, I think.

Another thing that struck me as very off was the way that Lindsey remembers her father's death. 'A tear came to her eye when she remembered how he died and how unfair it was.' You're talking about this great memory of twig fights and he was obviously a great guy who loved his kids and she obviously loved him, and then you cram his death in with a tear and it being unfair?? 'Unfair'? If I had lost my father, I would think there must be about six million better ways to describe his death! Also, I would think it deserves its own sentence! How about 'He died in the winter, on the icy roads just a mile from her house'? I mean, she's thinking about how he died and then you don't actually tell anyone what happened. And I don't think 'unfair' is a good way to describe someone's death. Unfair is when you studied hard for an exam and the cheaters got a better mark. When your father dies, it's tragic, or soul-crushing, or even agonizing...

I think you could trim a lot out of the middle chapters and have a good story, but it will also be saved or ruined by the quality of your ending. You've set in motion some really intriguing relationships, and I think they all have the potential to pay off well. The conflict between Elizabeth and her aunt and uncle should probably come down to a final confrontation... and I really think someone should end up doing something they would never ordinarily do-- the best part of it is that you've set it up so it could be anyone-- James, Lindsey, Elizabeth... or even the aunt and uncle, all seem like potential candidates for a life-changing experience in the climax.

Good luck with this!

 

omg wow thank you so much for that post!!! you made me laugh quite alot aswel =] and yes, im not even half way with my story so far so somethings you said i should add will come later on in the story and yes!! thats great!! i didnt want the reader to know who the "pshyco" is going to be =D im so happy you said that. I wanted the reader to be in shock when they found out who the "bad person" and what "he/she" does =] Also, i understand that there is alot of grammer mistakes as I am only 15 lol and Microsoft Word can only help a person so far =P but yes ive been wrting this since I was around 10 so if you look carfeully you can see how my vocabulary and language start to improve throughout the story, even if I have gone back recently and edited a few paragraphs Also i do agree with you, i need to work on the personality of the aunt and uncle more. I noticed, when reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, you cant make a villain in your story without making the reader feel hate towards it. That is why ill probably add more in about the aunt and uncle characters

overall thank you so much your post means alot to me and everything you said i will take into consideration
thanks!!!