Cruel Astrology - Leave Your Egos Outside! Part 1

Recently I came into possession of a new astrology book :] called Darkside Zodiac. This book highly entertains me; it has several different sections, and the entire book pretty much badmouths the 12 signs in extremely harsh ways!! So, because of my newly inspired excitement due to reading this book, I'm feeling compelled to share some excerpts on each of the signs with you. I'm warning you, it really is all buzzkill! (but in a humorous way ;]) So leave your ego's outside if you wish to continue, or you just may end up hurt!

(I will also post with each excerpt the "Bitch Rating"s for each sign; a funny little side-note accompanying each sign, talking about how much of a bitch they really are ;p) With that, lets begin!

Aries: "You have absolutely no trouble with this year's buzz concept, "Me-time", although you DO have trouble with the idea that there might be any other kind. Greedy, aggressive, argumentative, restless, willful, confrontational, headstrong, and self-obsessed, you are the zodiac's permanently enraged adolescent (I mean just look at the state your room is in.); You have what nice social workers call, "a problem with authority." Show you a "NO ENTRY!" sign and you are up the forbidden highway like a ferret up a drainpipe. No one has ever explained the phrase "consequences-of-your-actions" to you, mostly because you won't stand still long enough, and even if you were nailed to the floor, you still wouldn't listen. Subtle you're not; no one will ever find you sitting quietly in a corner brooding on life's great mysteries, or sitting quietly anywhere. You blunder through the world like Tigger-Gone-Rogue, looking for new frontiers to smash. Fortunately, you can be easily distracted by bright lights, loud noises, meat, blood, fire, and knives. On good days, this means a neighborhood barbeque. On bad days, World War III."
--Aries Bitch Rating: "C+. Think about it: being bitchy demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around, you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way."

Taurus: "Brightsiders have enough trouble trying to gloss over your darkside, so I don't know what you expect me to do. They call you things like slow but sure, steady and reliable, when we know they mean that you are stupendously dull and will move only when poked with a stick; they refer coyly to your love of beautiful things and traditional values, when we know they mean that you are a hidebound, reactionary Ubermaterialist, superglued into a rut several feet deep; but even the most loopily starry-eyed of them fail to dress up the fact that you are a stubborn, obstinate, opinionated authoritarian, and all of them throw in the towel in the face of your overpowering urge for money. Alright, being soul-sappingly boring isn't the MOST stygian you can get on the darkside (but good luck telling that to your desperate family, mouthing "kill me now." through the windowpane at passersby as you get out the Monopoly board for youru bi-weekly game.) What you really like is stuff: in your mouth, on your plate, in your bank, in your bed, in your bags. Posessive seems too weak a word for you."
--Taurus Bitch Rating: "C+. Others think this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong; it's not that you don't WANT to bitch, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact. When you actually try, you make dull, painful remarks about other peoples' lack of fashion sense, or their money."

Gemini: "Brightside you is famous for your irresistable charm and sprightly wit. But you and I both know that is all a facade, isn't it? Its all just sparkly patter to shift the eyes of the gullible away from what you're really up to. Underneath that layer of stage-school sincerity lurks a cold-eyed, cold-hearted, bad-mouthing rumormonger, scavenging information so that you can shaft someone later, or maybe even initiate a satisfactory little feud. There is no cunning so low that you can't limbo under it; no scam so complex that you can't get your devious, slippery mind around it. You are the con artist with the cheeky grin who detaches widows from their mites and babies from their candy, and somehow leaves them laughing. "What's the problem?" you ask. "It all a game isn't it?" Call you irresponsible? Yes, and unreliable, inconsistent, impractical, immature, incorrigible, and a whole lot of other words with a negative prefix. Of course, to live by your wits (i.e. lying, cheating, and swindling), you need to have some wits to start with. You don't have any more than the rest of us, but you cunningly spread them very thinly over a large area, so that from a distance, and as long as you keep moving, you appear brighter than you really are."
--Gemini Bitch Rating: "A++. Bow down to the Zodiac's Bitch Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitches don't notice they've been slashed for at least three weeks; and your apologies are always so transparently heartfelt and sincere."

 

I don't like what they had to say about Geminis :[
No matter how right it was!! ;p
I mean apparently I'm the Zodiac's bitch queen!!

 

can you post one for leo or the rest of them? lol these are good

 

Cancer, Leo, and Virgo can all be found in the Part 2 thread.

Libra - Pisces I shall post soon, need to find enough free time to type them up, haha :]

Sorry for the delay!!

 

that was fun to read lol..tough i dont belive it at all

 

lol, I'm a Gemini, zodiac bitch queen! I have to laugh and admit, it is true when I want to be mean...