what a does a "good wife" mean?

mamakcita, your husband didn't tell you that you were a bad wife did he?

this woman's husband is upset with her and maybe she can fix it. first she has to be willing to listen to what he has to say. sitting at his feet is a humble, symbolic gesture, showing him she respects him and will listen to what he says to her. he won't consider her a *pet* he will see her as his humble wife. if she fights him like a man, he will treat her like a man. she, herself is saying she's overworked and overburdened. she doesn't want a man's burden on her. i prefer to be treated like a woman with all my emotions and vulnerabilities.

you and your husband can play equals all you want.

in reality many men want to lead their households and are very capable of doing it.

i don't mind kneeling in front of my husband, it's a great for giving him pedicures, blow jobs AND keeping his feet warm.



what way are you talking about green goddess, loving, kind, nurturing, humble, non-argumentative, accepting, cheerful, happy. i'm going to take a wild guess that you're not married yet and you don't have children. when you do get married and have children your husband will feel responsible for everyone in his household, it will hit him like a 2X4 in the face ... it's in the man's nature to head up his family, provide/protect his wife and children. there may be no set rules, but nature gives us rules that in modern society we ignore. these easy to follow, natural instinctual rules keep families and marriages from breaking apart. as women, it's so much easier than fighting to just accept we have an awesome man who WANTS to provide and protect us, for him to fullfill his natural instinctual role he needs a women who will work with him, not against him ... why is that such a bad thing?

 

by the way I am married and have a son and one on the way..
and you are talking about YOUR man.. not every man and every situation is like yours..
all I'm saying is that all relationships are different.. she's going to have to find what makes HER husband happy.. it may not be what yours and everyone else's wants.. you are very close-minded btw.. can you think for maybe one second that your way may not be right for everyone.. geesh..

 

i tried it the feminist way in my first marriage. so go ahead and try it. i hope it all works out.

good luck with your son. your mind may change when he is born and you realize the impact he will have on your life. and your husband may change also ... we did!!! the minute everyone left the hx room and i was alone with my son my perspective changed and it will for you too. it became all about that sweet little bundle who deserves to have two parents who can make it all the way until he's an adult. i know you guys will do it for him.

i'm actually the opposite of close-minded. i've done, thought, tried, and believed every single thing each of you guys are saying to do. i've watched people do it and fail at it, splitting their families up and breaking their kids hearts. i was raised a hardcore feminist. i changed my thinking for myself and my family which has made me a happier wife, mother, and woman.

i'm 41. much wiser than when i was in my 20's. it was older women who helped me along the way giving me wise advice .... some of it i didn't take at the time but remembered later and realized how right they were.

maybe my way isn't right for you ... but i would put money on it, that it's right for your son and your husband.

there's nothing wrong with trusting your husband completely to do what's right by you, especially when you will be busy physically and mentally with a small infant. nature will give you maternal instincts that your husband won't have and he will have paternal instincts you won't have ... it's a perfect balance. embrace it, don't fight against it.

 

KC, I loved you already but I love you more for this sentence.

Not like I know what I'm talking about - I'm not married or anything - but I hope this is what love keeps on being.

 

Another here whose husband would be turned off if I acted subservient.. I was never a doormat, so that's definitely NOT what attracted him to me! We are partners because it's what we both want.

If being "humble" works for the OP, more power to her. To each their own. But if my husband ever told me I wasn't a good woman or a good wife because I had my own thoughts and opinions of how to run my life and my household, I'd ask him to please not approach me again until he's checked into reality and the 21st century.

See - I'm not really a feminist. I'm a humanist. Everyone, everywhere, regardless of race, religion, gender, or nationality, was created and should always be seen as equal. Period.

A marriage is a UNION of a man and a woman (or a man and a man, or woman and woman!) and it is not a contract, a job, or an ownership agreement. It is two people coming together because they want to share a single life, household, family. IMHO, the only kind of love that can truly bond a couple together forever HAS to be fair, kind, and unconditional.

But, you know.. some people are into that dominant/submissive stuff, and if it turns you on, cool. But if that's not what you signed on for, TELL HIM! You absolutely do NOT have to take his verbal abuse, especially when you are jumping through hoops to accomodate his injuries.

Be strong, honey.

 

well my husband wasn't attracted to me either for being subservient ... because i wasn't when i met him. you're confusing humbleness with not having an opinion, they're two different things. i definately have my own opinion. i don't argue and fight my husband every step of the way in our marriage and sometimes when i don't want to follow his lead i do anyway and guess what i learn *he's right*. i guess he's the best man because he actually is smart and can be trusted and ALWAYS has my best interest at heart. i do have a great partner and i am a great partner. if you've ever had a partner in business than you know you each person brings certain strengths to the table which is what makes you *good partners*. of course, i bet you think you're smarter than your husband and he's only physically stronger than you.

her husband isn't telling her she's a bad wife because of her own thoughts and opinions. i don't know why you ladies are confusing the issue so much.

it's interesting you wouldn't even listen to your husband if he thought you weren't being a good wife. have you EVER complained about what kind of man he was being? did he listen to you?

why are men the only ones in a marriage union who are fair, kind and unconditional? when a man has something *uncomfortable* to say to his wife why in the world is it considered verbal abuse? why isn't it verbal abuse to tell your husband *please don't approach me again until you've checked into reality*, that's downright disrespectful to the person you love with forever couple bond.

equality isn't god given, it's man made. there are many things my husband can do that i just cant and vice versa. we're a balance.

a few of you have used the term doormat. are your men so bad that they would actually consider you a doormat if you followed their lead? actually treat you like a doormat if you listened to him? sorry girls it must suck to be constantly on guard.

 

Well hell, Cassifrass, I'm into that dominant/submissive stuff - sexually. What my boyfriend and I do in the bedroom has nothing to do with our completely equal standing outside of it.

 

You know, you can do whatever you want. If you feel it works for you that's fine. But you really can't apply your particular situation to every relationship under the sun. One size does not fit all, and what works for you will not work for everybody. Every man is not identical. Every woman is not identical.

 

at what point in time, deviant, did you consider any point i made to be "fighting my husband ever step of the way?" he is the leader of my home, but i'm not submissive, i never have been. i go along if i agree, and tell him when i don't. that's my right as his wife. it's got nothing to do with wanting equal rights for women. that's a given in terms of human rights. i've never been a bitch to my husband, though i can be a real bitch to people i dislike or mistrust.

no, the OP's husband blatantly insulted his wife and expected her to be a mind reader. i've got a friend who does that to his wife, and i think it's bullshit game playing, trying to get a woman under his thumb. just like all those women who fuck with their husband's heads and try to control them through humiliating them. no, that's just fucked up and i don't care if it's a husband or wife who does it.

 

Gotcha.. what I was referring to was the lifestyle some lead. For some it's in the bedroom as well as every aspect of their lives... but they like it that way so it's cool for them, kwim?

We do some dom/sub roleplaying in the bedroom too, FTR.

 

That's true, I know some couples are into it as a whole lifestyle. I don't get it, but like you said - not my relationship, not my business.

 

sweetdeviant, you're missing my point entirely.

Sometimes, my husband and I do not agree. Sometimes he is right, sometimes I am right. We talk things out and we are BOTH able to admit when we are wrong, or we compromise. What you're describing isn't a partnership. I have as much invested in my marriage as my husband, just as I would if I were an equal partner in a business. If I owned half of a company I sure as hell wouldn't rely on my business partner to determine the rules, and follow their lead if I felt I was right.

I do NOT "fight my husband every step of the way." He doesn't drag me into anything, so I have no reason to. We make decisions together.

Your lifestyle is GREAT, for YOU. Not for everyone! Maybe this OP wants that kind of lifestyle. If so, then if she takes your advice and it works for her, great. But her husband doesn't sound like the loving, attentive one that you described, sweetdeviant. Putting someone down while they're running an entire household for you just doesn't seem okay, no matter what lifestyle you have.

 

Could be that he is an abusive jerk. Could be he has insecurity issues and puts her down to make himself feel better. To suggest that she be humble and do whatever he says is crap!

There is NOTHING that makes it okay to verbally demean your partner. Be it man or woman no one should put up with it!

Oh hell, give her a whip and let her vent her frustrations on his ass......literally

 

So your husband never makes mistakes? Whenever you disagree, you are NEVER right, and he ALWAYS is? I'm not sure I'm capable of comprehending this...

 

SweetDeviant

Its good that you and your husband have such an understanding relationship. What you describe works for you, and very few other people. You're right that nature is for the man to provide and protect, and the woman is to nurture and support. In most relationships it is the case, but not to the extreme that you describe.

I am married and have kids, and guess what....that responsibility hit us both in the face like a 2x4. It takes both of us to make our home run smoothly, and neither one of us has to bow down to the other to get it done. We work as a family unit, which is also what nature intended. I am great at working on cars, and he puts a mean pleat in slacks. We can either follow gender norms and not have a running car and burn marks on the clothes, or we can do what works for us. Hell, it turns him on to see me wrenching on my car. What incentive! I also enjoy doing it......

There are times I am happily his slave, but it has a time and place. He does not own me, and I have two feet I am very capable of standing on. I have a wonderful husband that appreciates me and values me as his equal. There are few things I appreciate more.

 

you girls are splitting hair over trivialities.

if my husband came to me and said *you're a bad wife and a bad woman* ... i would listen to what he had to say. i might think in my head (what a fucking jerk) but i would dismiss that and listen to him ANYWAY. because he's my husband and deserves my respect AND because i'm far from perfect.

we're both far from perfect.

i never said it didn't take both of us to run our home smoothly. but *his eden* will know about those times when tough decisions have to made and someone has to take the lead on them.

who cares who fixes the car and irons the clothes ... that's splitting hairs. figure it out how you want to. the point is, when the man/husband is saying something to his wife, she should listen to his words ... his delivery might not be perfect, he doesn't communicate like a woman, let him communicate like a man and listen to him for the sake of the marriage.

and YES, my husband has made many mistakes over the years. but when something he decides turns out to be a mistake, he can only blame himself and does. it's never the end of the world. we learn and grow. many times, we'll bat ideas around about an important decision and he makes the final call, there have been times i've wondered if my idea wasn't better (again, it's never the end of the world), and then his idea DOES turn out to be better and i thank goodness he made the call. what if my idea would have been better, yet he uses his idea anyway and it turns out poorly ... he's always been man enough to say *we should have used your idea and apologizes*. sometimes he uses my ideas because truthfully, he does think i'm smart and respects what i have to say. he consults me about everything because he likes me, respects me and knows i won't argue him into the ground regarding the final decision and having my way.

there was a time when my husband was very ill for a year and i had to do EVERYTHING for him, the kids, the household and the bills. i prayed to god for him to get better because the burden was so great. when he felt better and healed up it was a difficult transition, yet a relief, giving up the control i held for so long. control i also despised in many ways. and for the record, i royally screwed up our finances ... and he was only forgiving and apologetic for putting such a large burden on me, he never was cruel, mean or unkind about the mistakes i made.

during his illness from time to time he was nasty and seem uncaring. later when we discussed it he said he felt emasculated that i had to carry the family. he felt like less of man and had self hatred during his time of *weakness* (as he refers to it).

 

So from what you can tell of the OP's husband... does he deserve that kind of respect? He certainly hasn't shown her any, or done much to earn it...

 

of course he should have her respect initially. he earned it when he asked her to be his wife. i'll take a wild guess that he's just feeling like a big piece of poo because of his illness and watching her run herself ragged. i believe, from reading about men and experiences of myself and other women, that he's probably not a terrible guy, he's just behaving like one right now. i bet he really loves her, and just needs to know he's a man (they do have fragile egos sometimes). therefore, my suggestion for the humbling exercise.

what if it really worked. isn't it worth a try to save a marriage.

i didn't make this up on my own, someone else suggested it once to a woman i know and it worked for her ... after years of cold walls and bitterness between her and her husband. they're still together (23 years) and warm and happy.

 

sd, I have a scenario for you...

Say you were the one injured, unable to function, for a year. Your husband was now forced to not only provide the income for the home but also to cook, clean, and tend to the children in the ways that you are now unable. You feel down on yourself and guilty for not being able to help and you snap at him, argue constantly and you act completely ungrateful. When he bleaches a load of colored clothes and burns your supper you gripe and belittle him. When he becomes frustrated, you tell him he's a bad person and a horrible husband.

Are you justified? Should HE cut YOU some slack in this situation, get down on his knees, and beg for another chance to be a better husband?

I'm guessing your answer is no, of course not! But why? Because you're a woman and undeserving of this kind of treatment, while he deserves it because he's a man?

 

In this respect, did she not also earn some initial respect by agreeing to take him as a husband? Why is this something only earned and deserved by someone with a penis?