BDSM as a lifestyle, Not what you think ?

Ouch,

Are whips and chains part of the therapy or does this mean you are paying for it?The S and M stuff is a good reason to live together. You don't have to carry that heavy stuff around anymore. Can you imagine carting stuff like that around on a public bus? Maybe the driver will be nice and let us put the crucifix on the bike rack. Wouldn't that be nice. Seriously it is a channel to intimacy. Is it ever done in group form? Guys love to be mothered why not mastered? Frequenting this thread says enough about a person. I'll catch you people some other time when I'm not tied up or transporting a mid evil art project on the front of a public bus.

 

I'm not quite sure what to make of your post, you asked questions that I will answer, but for the most part it sounds like you are just being sarcastic. When I said she was the professional I meant she is the one that has felt the urge to be dominated since she was 16 she is now 36 and has always wanted to live this lifestyle. Whips and chains as part of it no, not in that fashion. A soft piece of cloth is a chain, a hair brush or small paddle is a whip. Do I pay for it, pay for what ? Group form, no, as for guys being mastered I don't know, I am not the submissive she is, but there are guys that are submissive I just don't know about them or what makes them tick. Best I could for ya, I guess I'll see you on the Bus.

Peace

 

tbh, this forum has been a godsend in making me feel not completely abnormal.
my bf enjoys being top, dirty talk, a little control, etc. we really need to be using my wrist cuffs and collar more though :X
i was actually worried when we started tdating that he was going ot be all submissive, which is a huge turn off for me (i just dont play top well at all, its awkward verging on painful for me), because he didnt make a move on me til our 4th date. like, not even handholding. thank god for that 4th date, his last chance, lol!

 

Yeah, I can't top at ALL. Same as you: verging on painful. Doesn't turn me on at ALL. I just feel like a complete idiot. Whereas when I'm being submissive, it feels like I'm finally home.

I dunno...I think I am at least fairly strong as a person, generally. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself, etc. I know there's a stereotype that submissive girls are always timid and meek (and dominant guys are always assholes, ha) but I don't think I'm like that at all. And it's just an incredible relief to get home, get tied up and completely give up control.

Do you think he's fully into it, or is there some element of him doing it to please you? How come the cuffs don't come out enough?

Here's something that happens with us: sometimes you just want a quickie, right? And we'll start just, y'know, having quick, normal sex like normal people. But then I get all turned on, and I'll be like "Fuck making our reservations, I need to be tied up right now!" Really great sex for me takes way longer and involves a lot more props, which can be sortof annoying sometimes.

 

i think im more into it htan he is, ie i want to have props and such involved (cuffs, outfits, etc). he is definitely naturally a dom, but didnt really get to, um, play much with that til me. were still exploring. plus lately weve juts been too fucking exhausted to really worry about the crazy fun stuff... school is stupid busy this term for both of us (him especially at the moment). cuffs dont come out often because, well, i like him taking the lead and he gets all caught up in the moment and doesnt think to pull em out. especially since, as of late, a lot of our adventures are moreso quickies (thankfully i have a vibe i can use when i get alone time so i dont feel entirely orgasmless)

 

BDSM: Bondage, discipline, sado masochism.

B/D: Bondage/Discipline

D/S: Domination/Submission

Soaring Easgle, while I respect your opinions a great deal, the scenario you described was not BDSM. It was an abusive man hiding behind the lifestyle. Yes, some people into BDSM are extreme, but rarely abusive. I have been involved in the lifestyle for over 20 years, and the only cases of abuse were inflicted not by a Dominant, but by an abuser. (Not of the lifestyle, but of people). Even without hiding within BDSM they would still demean, abuse, humiliate, and torture people. If they were not in the lifestyle they would find some other outlet. Like any "group, club, etc" there is the potential for cult-like behavior. Like any other group, it is rare.

The other risk of abuse comes from people that are ignorant about the lifestyle, but jump in with both feet. They pick up a flogger and hurt the person they use it on because they have no clue what they are doing. Usually this is a short lived abuse.

BDSM and all it entails gets a really crappy wrap from people thinking they know what it is about. It is NOT about torturing someone. It IS about guiding or being guided on a journey of self expression. It is NOT about sex. It IS about finding intense pleasure within yourself. It is NOT about humiliating someone. It IS about making their fantasy come true.....

If someone that has to Dominate during sex needs professional help, then wouldn't someone that has to be submissive also need it? People take the position in sex that they are most comfortable with. Some are just more comfortable staying in a singular role, such as Dominant.

*sigh*

I fundamentally disagree with most organized religions, yet I would never condemn any of them. They work for the people that believe in them. BDSM works for me. It is how I relieve stress, express desire, release pent up emotions, and so on. Yoga doesn't work for everyone, some of us have to have the intensity that can be found in BDSM.


I don't expect people to understand why I, or anyone else, live the BDSM lifestyle. I don't understand a lot of things.......

 

You sure know your stuff, people look at this lifestyle from the surface in other words from what they have heard, or read in some dirty book, when it goes much deeper than that. If you think it's all about getting to abuse someone and get away with it you're wrong. There is no abuse it's about acceptance of each other and one anothers needs. It's about the total relese of one to another and the acceptance of that. Power is shared, it's not about someone just taking abuse. I may be rambling because it is kinda new to me, my chick introduced it to me, it is her desired lifestyle. I had no preconceived notions about it one way or another so I accepted it pretty well and at this point in time would have it no other way. It is all about her wants and needs to feel fulfiled and not some dirty head trip on my part. If it becomes abuse than the submissive person will have the sense to flee the relationship because that is not what she wants in life.

Peace

 

One night a wife is feeling a little frisky so she dons her little pink teddy. Walking back into the bedroom with a hungy look in her eyes she says "I want you NOW!" to her husband. He tosses back the sheets, exposing his dick, stroking it slowly as she walks across the room. She leans over and whispers "I want to be your dirty little girl" as her hand finds his cock....

That is not something that most people would consider BDSM, but there are things in that story that are part of the lifestyle. It doesn't have to be about whips and chains.....


I want it Now!....domination
Dirty little girl....humiliation and submission

 

I appreciate that. I also have a lot to learn still. As for being deeper, yeah, yeah it is. I've stayed active in the lifestyle for so long because it is so meaningful to me.

If you're a newbie to the wonderful world of whips I would be happy to help you out or point you to some great resources. If it is okay with her of course.

 

I would very much like your help, and my chick would not mind she wants me to learn more than anything, it's hard on her when I don't quite know what she needs at some times, I am new to it, I have been with her for 4 years and she never came out to me until last year, it was kind of a shock at first until I started to understand. It's not bad or wrong at all, again any advice would be great. Thanks.

Peace

 

Yeah, so it's kindof a similar thing for you: the problem with being into all these props and stuff is that they take so much time. lol

But I've definitely found that if we're right in the middle of a quicky and I start begging him to tie me up or something, he's already turned on and he loves the idea too and neither of us care anymore about how tired we are or whatever we're about to be late to. So it works out okay.

And I'm going to ambush him tonight. Actually I got the idea from that guy whereami - I went out and bought some bright red lipstick and like purple eyeshadow and I'm going to just slut myself up for him. Tiny miniskirt that doesn't really cover my underwear, it is your moment to shine!

I figure just because I'm submissive doesn't mean I can't initiate sex sometimes.

 

I gotta agree...that was really nicely said, Eden. Thanks.

 

If‭ ‬examining your own behavior changes you,‭ ‬wasn't it for the better‭? ‬Shouldn't it make you more convicted of your ideals if you contemplate their validity and feel the same‭ ‬afterward‭? ‬There is a approach called Enneagrams that‭ ‬is used to study personalities that does not include the negativities encountered with psychiatry.‭ ‬The basis for Enneagrams is that everyone is composed of positive traits but some are stronger than the others making certain characteristics stand out farther than the others.‭ ‬People that are positively imbalanced are not immoral or indecent like the stigma that psychiatry labels them with.‭ ‬Like anything else that is connected to money. the study Enneagrams are not immune to exploitation as with psychiatry,‭ ‬religion,‭ ‬and so forth.‭ ‬The only book I am aware of that has any actual information on the subject is called‭ “‬What's My Type‭” ‬by Kathleen V.‭ ‬Hurley and Theodore E.‭ ‬Dobson.‭ ‬The other books carried in chain book stores are not worth consulting.‭ ‬If you have the opportunity to read it,‭ ‬skip over the ambiguous sections.‭ ‬Some of the definitions are so broad that they could be referring to anything so just move ahead when you encounter them and use the format of the book as a general outline for the topic.‭ ‬I am interested in pursuing my own knowledge of this study further but I haven't been able to acquire any other sources of information.‭ ‬If you can see past the negative stereotype psychoanalysis has earned two excellent‭ ‬primers are titled‭ ‬,‭“‬The Three Worlds of Therapy‭” ‬by Anthony Barton and‭ “ ‬An Elementary Textbook of Psychoanalysis‭” ‬by Charles Brenner in that order.‭ ‬You will be more valuable to your self and those around you if you are‭ ‬a little retrospective,‭ ‬I promise you.‭ ‬If you have something to lose you also have something to gain in return.‭

 

I was googling this topic, because that's the paper I need to write for my sexuality paper, and I'm glad I found it. I'm hoping you guys won't mind too much if I mention some of what you said...

I've been in the lifestyle as long as I can remember, so it's been over 3 decades. No abuse in my past, but a deep longing for completion and fulfilment to my life. I've had to 'train' a couple potentials for my liking, so I understand some of the harsh opinions people carry about the whole idea of BDSM. The bottom line is, there is no "right" or "wrong" way, and everything is on a continuum, or a circle. Each facet has its own appeals and turn offs, but that doesn't mean one is better than another. I know a guy that loves pain, plain and simple. That is part of who he is, and he wouldn't be the fascinating person he is if it wasn't. I know others that can't stand anything beyond a toothpick touching their skin. Again, that's who they are. So, although someone may like a certain activity, that doesn't mean they have to like EVERYTHING or nothing associated with that category.

I can honestly say I fall into the B/D aspect. I love being tied up, it is the one sure way to get me off. Not the only, but the best! I'm not so much into the pain, though. Sometimes I like the humiliation, but again, not always. Those things are easy to get carried away with, and unfortunately, if there is some abuse in the past, going too far will trigger a bad response, and fun and games are now over. The bottom line everyone has to remember is that the lifestyle teaches safe, sane and consensual!

I'm sorry to hear about an abuser hiding in the lifestyle. But the fact that a woman can't do anything without permission automatically rules out consensuality, and that crosses the threshold to abuse. Once you know the signs, you can ferret out these wannabes, who are around just to try to justify their cruelty. Any true lifestyle BDSMer knows the experience is truly magical when both partners are satisfied! My goal with this paper is to try to get that point across...people aren't sick that want to enjoy this aspect of their personalities. BUT, many sick people can use this lifestyle to hide their activities.

This has been an interesting discussion, honestly...I'm not sure if I'm surprised or not with the depth of some of the replies.

 

Yeah, I think a lot of people don't realize that it doesn't necessarily all go together; you can like being tied up but not like pain. Loads of people (like me and you) are like that.

To the weird psychobabble posters that I didn't really understand: No, I'm not saying I'm against therapy at all. Therapy's great. I just feel like sometimes people are like "Oh, you love being tied up and humiliated? Man, you need therapy." I guess I would hope that we could hit a balance: Therapy can be great and beneficial, but embracing our kinks without worrying too much about why we have them is also great and beneficial.

 

Did someone open a window, or was that a mind opening, two minds that is, fresh air and enlightened attitudes, refreshing amid all the negative thinking and the get ye to therapy types. Keep on thinking free.

Peace

 

There is a huge difference between a normal BDSM relationship and a BDSM relationship that has gone all wrong. In some Dom/sub relationships the Dom gets drunk with power and forgets the respect part completely. He/she might actually forget that they are supposed to be taking care of and protecting their sub. And they do actually become abusive. It's as if the sub is screaming out the 'safe word' and nobody hears them.