I have two versions of a poem I wrote. . I need help deciding which one to use for a poetry night reading Just Touch Me (version 1) Just touch me already What are you? Chicken? Too scared to show emotion? Too scared to love? It doesn't have to be anything big a hug, a kiss, a handhold brush by me, poke me Just show me you are real That I am real With no touching I feel maybe I don't exist Maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination created on the view of what I think I should be Maybe I've created you and you aren't real is that why you won't touch me? Just Touch Me (version 2) Just touch me grab me pinch me slap me choke me hold me hug me kiss me just fucking touch me let me know that you are real that you exist that I exist that this exist just touch me please! I'll ask nicely I'll beg I'll plead just touch me What you are scared of? that this may actually be real? that something this amazing can exist? that it won't be the same afterward? just take a chance that a chance with me with this with you with us just reach out and fucking touch me
Definitely Version #1. #2 comes off as too pushy, too needy and maybe a tad psychotic. (I'm an expert on psychosis. Decades of experience.) Not that that's a bad thing in poetry. In real life, however, it puts a lot of people at a distance.
I preferred version 2 personally. I agree with TwoDogs but I think it adds a sort of desperation to it. The list and lack of punctuation make you read it quickly and I like that.
well ive been writing poetry for a couple of years now and i definatly think ver. 1 is much better. sure ver. 2 may read well also but 1 has much more quality in it. 2 seems very rushed and isnt formatted as well.
