So i have been struggling with this lately. I desire the insight from a buddhist perspective. You see, there are many times were i become hateful. In my past, people treated me bad, they used me and treated me as if i was a joke. I have been rejected, ridiculed and put down, and ive grown sick of it. I have lost all patience and now fancy thoughts of harming people who hurt me. I seethe with hate for them, and even myself. In a way, i am a bit like the monster in frankeinstein. I look like im pissed all the time, and akwardness follows me EVERYWHERE. Like the monster's appearance, my aura i give off, for lack of a better word, repulses people. Peoples faggotry has turned me into a monster. They have filled me with hate and distrust in humanity and myself. What should i do? I want this to stop, but i see no path, no tool to help me. I feel like i may do something horrible. Please help.
According to Thich Nhat Hanh: The hate and anger are due to your thinking, habit energies, forgetfulness, and strong emotions. The first step is to put a stop to these. We do this through mindful breathing, mindful walking, mindful smiling, and deep looking. Habit energies cause us to do and say things before we think, afterward we regret it. Being mindful we recognize this as it happens and smile at it thus weaking the strength it will have at its next occurance. Forgetfullness is the opposite, we act without knowing what we do. Habit pulls us along, we must be mindful of all our actions. The second step involves five techniques to calm the body and mind: 1. Recognition - knowing when we are angry. 2. Acceptance - When angry we do not deny it, we accept that it is present. 3. Embracing - Useing mindfulness we hold our anger like a mother holding her crying baby, many times this has a calming effect. 4. Looking deeply - Once calmed we look for the cause of the anger, why is the baby crying? 5. Insight - From looking deeply we understand the many primary and secondary causes and conditions that brought forth the anger. Is the baby hungry, is a pin pricking his skin? Was our friend upset when he spoke to us in a mean way? Have I done something to trigger his response? We reflect looking for insights. The third step is resting. Once calm we rest, perhaps through meditaion, in order to heal.
Other people haven't made you what you are dude, we do that ourselves. "By Oneself is wrong done By Oneself is one defiled By oneself is wrong not done By oneself surely, one is cleansed One cannot purify another purity and impurity are in oneself" Dhammapada 12:165 Destroying those people won't take away the hate and the anger, because those things are inside you not them. You could reek havoc and revenge, and watch the feelings you despise grow stronger, but would you have what you actually wanted? You want to be the person you were before you met those guys right? There is a way to do that, and it doesn't lie with vengeance, hatred or anger.
That too will pass. Here's the rule to live by - don't kill others and don't kill yourself. Here's a good measure for your future actions. If you feel that you are acting from an upwelling of negativity then take a step back and relax. Act when you feel either neutral or positive. On the other hand, you can use what feels negative for some pursuits if they are positive, like art, exercise, etc.... But even then sometimes even say exercising when angry can turn to self abuse. So you can sometimes feel thoughts and feelings in the body somewhere, and if they are not feeling good, then find some remedy for them. Hope that helps. It's better to do nothing upon the arising of harmful emotions than it is to do something harmful from them. But if used with skill negativity can become positive. This too will pass. If you allow such feelings to fade then with time they become wisdom.
