DISCLAIMER: OK, let's get one thing clear: I have, in the past, put myself about in a way that is both sad and retarded. I know this, and have made piece with my past. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME AGAIN. With this in mind, here are some things to do during crap sex: 1) Practise faking orgasms. 2) See how obviously fake an orgasm you can do without the other person/people noticing. 3) Get loud. Suddenly. 4) Act bored. 5) See how many different names you can shout out before he/she stops/hits/gags you. Celebrities are always good. 6) Pricktease in such a way that no-one could find it erotic, just really annoying. 7) Phone a friend. For a chat. Other options include parents, the Samaritans, Childline. 8) Order pizza. 9) Start crying. 10) Make disparaging comments about their hair, shoes, decor, dress-sense, etc. 11) Tell them about yr day at work 12) Try to name all 50 states. Or, to really shit them up, recite the Lord's Prayer backwards. 13) Scratch their back way too hard. 14) Call him/her unsexy petnames: Daddy, grandpa, love<noun> 15) Regress to when you were a child/a previous life. 16) Airfix 17) MSN.
18) Rohypnol. 19) Slug them. 20) Continuity errors: rapidly switch between being totally naked and wearing a false beard. 21) The same, but with a merkin, 22) Scream racist/homophobic/misogynistic (if yr a girl) insults. 23) Gender confusion: "Girl, I wanna suck yr cock", "Shove yr hot pussy up my ass".
Me and mate came up with the last few on MSN, he suggested "growing a moustache" which is just shit, but then FALSE BEARD was said and it was just beautiful.
One night I so didn't feel like it but it had been so long I knew it would end up in a fight so knwing it would turn my ex off I said 'How do you think your stepdad lets your mom know he wants to do it with her and what position do you think they do it in'?
Dirty talk may be one for another thread, if only for the classic line: "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."
