Bad Parenting? please give your opinion

Okay, this isn't about me.........but it's about something that really bothers me. this might be a little long.

My boyfriends daughter, who is now 3...lives with her mother and her mothers fiancee. Here's the deal...
Her mother feeds her when she FEELS like it...every time the child wants a hug, or wants her mother to look at something or whatnot, her mom tells her to "BUG OFF, GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE!!".. Her mom doesn't keep the house cleaned, she doesn't change her clothes for DAYS. She has to get BRIBED to change the childs pullup or diaper. Also, this little girl has glasses that she is SUPPOSED to wear..EVERY day..ALL day unless swimming or sleeping....and her mother makes excuses EVERY time i ask where her glasses are, of "she just took them off before you got here" or "she broke them"....and i find them up on a high place where the child CAN NOT reach, and the glasses are perfectly fine.
now, the mothers Fiancee................The mothers fiancee is a total asshole. Him and the mother get into brutal screaming matches that always lead to stuff being broken, and half the time, involves him beating the woman up....the child SEES ALL OF THIS...This man has guns, knives, and weapons GALORE where the child can REACH them and EASILY kill herself with if the wrong move is made. This man gets close to the childs face and screams at her for anything and everything. This guy, when talking to her, in my opinion, is VERY mean with his words, how he says stuff, and what tone of voice he 's using.....all while about 5 inches from her face. ...Also, they ALLOW her to cuss.............oh yes, and ....she's three...she BARELY knows how to speak because the mother spends NO time with her teaching her......she can't dress herself.....let alone put a pair of clean underwear on by herself and she's NOT potty trained at all.
The FATHER of this child can't do anything right now like take his daughter into his custody because he's in a different state, and has no way of supporting her completely because of how high his child support payment is monthly. The father is going to be trying for full custody of his daughter when he gets a better job, and gets things settled in....but that won't be until next year that he can try for custody.
The woman, her fiancee and the child are moving this weekend, and they have until monday to move, and to prove to DFS that their home is suitable for a child.......i'm scared because they're going to be using the NEW home as the home the DFS comes to look at....and saying they're moving, so the other one is very messy. The little girl NEEDS her FATHER in my opinion, not her dipshitted mother and her mothers fuckface fiancee.
Her father took VERY good care of her......VERY good care. he wants custody of her, but can't do it right now because he's not able to finantually support anyone with the job he has and with as much money he has to pay every month for child support.

Should i call DFS and complain? I know they've already been called...by the little girls pre-school teacher.......because she saw their home, and she saw bruises on the child that look like finger prints....adult fingers.
But, should i call DFS, to let them know it's not just one person that feels the child should not be there? The child could always go with her fathers mother..........she's able to finantually support her......and is willing to take her....but none of us know if that would be possible.

 

I would. sounds like neglect and abuse..pure and simple.

 

I agree with otter. He loves his daughter? He has to get her out of there. ASAP. If things are as bad you think, then he should have no problem. He needs to do something. Can his parents help? If he DOES get custody, he won't be paying child support...the mother would have to pay HIM.

 

Totally agree

The poor little one needs some real love and care.

 

A couple of things. Although this looks like a horrible situation, there is probably nothing here that DFS will intervene with. They only require 2 meals a day. Yelling at one's child is NOT something they will come out on a call on. Not wearing glasses is not either. Parents are free to ignore medical suggestions as they wish.

An other thing. You are the noncustodial dad's girlfreind. Your report will be taken with a HUGE grain of salt. Non custodial parents often get their new partners to report to DFS all the time. For the most part, unless there are bruises and burns on the kid, they will most likely patronize you and then ignore you.

I am not saying the way these people parent is at all good. But Child Protective Services doesn't intervene in "crappy parenting" they have their hands full with children whose lives are at risk. And they miss that a lot, too. Not insisting a child wear her glasses pales in comparison to kids who are being raped by their stepdad, or beaten to a pulp ever day.

You can try, but I have worked with DCFS in Illinois, and the chances that anything will be done in a simple "crappy parenting" case is remote.

This child certainly deserves better parenting, but he won't get it from DFS intervening.

I wish there was better news.

 

This speaks volumes to me, and will for CPS also. Excuses for WHY he can't make things better for his OWN child will not be taken well by Child Protective Services. The first question will be "WHY can't this child's father do more?"

"I can't help my child because the child support payments are too high, but I want to suppport her totally......but not now." Is what this seems to be saying. Child support payments are LESS than what he will have to put out, finacially,than if he had custody, if he can't handle the payments NO ONE is going to belive he can handle full custody. "Buts" and "I am gonnas" don't cut it in Family Court.

If he is really worried about his little girl, less excuses, and more support and harder work to CHANGE the situation is in order. NOW. He's her dad. He can do more then Dfs can. IF DFS actually did take this child from her mother (and they won't, unless there is concrete evidence of physical abuse) and dad can't "handle" CHILD SUPPORT payments, or is late on them, or is compliaining about how "high" they are, HE won't get custody of a seized child, a foster family with better resources would.

But without actual physical abuse, or starving the child, I doubt CPS will step in here.

It is sad. because the REAL person losing here isn't the adults, it is this poor little girl.

I hope she can get help.

 

Maggie Sugar I totally agree with your second post. However, I disagree with your first post. This is abuse and neglect. They are guilty of medical neglect for one thing. Not taking care of her eyes is medical neglect. She is also being abused emotionally by witnessing the abuse between the stepfather and the mother. And there is evidence of physical abuse by the report fom the day care teacher. However, the flip side of this is that the father has not been stepping up to do something about this. And even if he did step in it would involve an interstate compact which can take months to obtain. DFS in both states has to approve of the plan. The father's home has to be approved. The father's background has to pass. I work with DYFS (in this state) every day. As a social worker in drug rehab all of my clients have open DYFS cases so I'm fairly well versed in the laws at least in New Jersey. However, each state has their own rules. They are following things pretty closely here because two children have died recently due to the workers not doing their jobs.

My advice would be to report anything you know to be true. If you think it might be true or assume it to be true don't report it. Only report what you know to be true.

I hope the little one is okay.

Kathi

 

DM, I think I was misunderstood. I know this mother's behavior is abusive and neglegtful, but I don't think CPS will. I live in Illinois, and you basically have to put a child in a cage (or breastfeed to long.....) to get DCFS involved. I do think this mother is doing a crappy job, but I think it is VERY doubtful that CPS will step in. I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

I do disagree that CPS is going to care at all if the child is wearing her glasses or not. I WOULD, but CPS deals with kids who aren't getting insulin and asthma medication. My point was that I don't think CPS is going to step in, but I could be wrong. If I am, then they should report it. THEN the child will need a home "I can't now, but I can, oh, maybe next year." will NOT help this child, and if she is taken (and I don't think she will be) she will go to a foster home, or God forbid, a group home, (in which case she would be better off with her neglectful mother, as anyone who has seen State Homes can tell you.)

The child has a father. I would cross the desert on my knees over glass if one of my kids was in a neglectful or abusive situation, and this is what this kid's father needs to think about!

Thank you for agreeing with my second post. It does seem like everyone is just "too busy" for this poor little girl. I hope someone cares enough to do something for her NOW!!

 

Thank you all for your input on this.

Okay, i re-read over half of my first post.....i worded the situation on her father wrong, and i do apologize.
Her father IS able to support her finantually, yes, but can not get a home of his own until possibly next year. He is living with his mother temproarily... and neither of us are sure if he could do anything about getting custody of his daughter while living under his mothers roof...but he is seeing about it. If anything, if HE can't get custody over his daughter, his MOTHER is going to be trying.

DFS was called on this childs mother 3 times in the past 3 weeks. once by the daycare teacher, we're sure, and the other two, i haven't talked with the father yet, but i'm sure it's his and his mothers doing...i will be informed today.

I am not sure if i mentioned this, but if i did, oh well. DFS MADE the mother of the child take her to the hospital to get checked over on Friday because they saw bruises on her that looked like an adult had grabbed her...on her arms and legs. I don't know how that turned out...once again, i will be informed either today or tomorrow when i go visit the little girl.

Okay, answer me on this please....Is is just DFS HERE that does this? or everywhere? DFS either CALLS the people or leaves a note on their door saying "oh, hey, we're from DFS and we'll be over around 6:00, kay?"
Wouldn't it be smarter to just drop in, and see everything how it is on a day-to-day basis?

The mother of this child BEGGED and PLEADED with DFS to let the kid stay at a neighbors house because they told the mother that her daughter could NOT be in her presence until they come back either for the kid, or to talk with the mother again....and they finally said "okay, keep her at a neighbors house"

In everyones opinion here in town that knows about the things that have been going on, they think that DFS gives this family slack because they feel sorry for them.....honest to God i think it's true!

what about the DEA, if someone makes a report that there are drugs in this household....and they're laying out where the child can get into them....would that be something DFS would look at?.....because there are drugs around the house.... on the coffee table..on the floor...seeds and stems from marijuana on a plate, on the floor.....and blah blah blah.

 

If the child's mother claimed this happened, she is lying. CPS doesn't just "let" kids stay with neighbors if they "told the mother the daughter could NOT be in her presence!" If they didn't want the child "in her presence" they would have taken her to a foster or group home. Sounds like the mother, or whoever this mother is talking to is not telling the truth. One usually has to be CPS certified to have a child placed in your home, even for a single night. Something is really wrong here, and I think whoever you are hearing "reports" from is either confused or just lying.

The DEA will not get involved for a few seeds and stems lying around, but if if is substantiated with PROOF, then it could be used in the custody case.

This dad NEEDS to get his shit together, stop making excuses and GET his child. HOW can he leave her there? She can't wait a year, while he lived with his mama. He's an adult, he needs to do WHATEVER possible to obtain custody, if this is a bad as he says it is.

One more thing, CPS, if they suspect abuse, does NOT have the suspected parent bring the child to the doctor or hospital themselves! If there are substantial allegations, the child WOULD be brought into CPS custody, and this isn't happening. If there are a LOT of "nuisence calls" to CPS they start to take the "boy who cried wolf" idea and start taking the calls MUCH less seriously. Is "grandma" making these reports? WHO is telling you these things? Where are you getting your information from. Because they are really not sounding right at all. Someone is confused or not telling the entire truth.

The father needs to stop making excuses and TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD!

 

Here in New Jersey DYFS will take the child to the hospital or a doctor to be checked out. If there is any substantiated abuse they will place the child. But they will ask the mother if she has a friend or family member who can take the child. They do a ten second search on their computers to see if this person ever had a DYFS case. If nothing shows up they will place the child there while they do a more thorough investigation. Also here they will take a child for a few stems or seeds and they will order all adult members of the household pee tested immediately. The children can not be returned until everyone passes the test or the ones who don't pass have moved out of the house. But every state is different.

I agree that this father needs to get off his duff and step in here. Someone whas to protect this child. They will let the father have custody even though he is living with his mother as long as there is sufficient space for the child. She needs 50 square feet of space and if she is over five it can not be with an opposite sex person. She could share grandma's room but not daddy's.

The other thing to be aware of here is that they will begin to question the person who "cries wolf" too many times. if there is no substantiated abuse. They charged my exhusband with harrassment because he would turn me in every time I blinked wrong. Finally they told him that if he called them one more time he would go to jail. That stopped him for harrassing me.

Kathi

 

if the father gets custody than the mother will have to pay child support. There is nothing wrong with reaising a child with a little goverment assistance too.

 

Agree with previous poster. Get the kid out of there.

And as for you, I'd be careful with Dad . . . . Anyone that would stick their penis in a woman like the mom I'm skeptical of.

 

Very good point. My ex is a raving lunatic, but he would never neglect his daughter.

This child's father should be spending every waking second trying to get his daughter away from a situation like that.

 

I thank you all for caring!

Actually, believe it or not...the mother of this child was once a normal, nice human being....but the day she found out she was pregnant, she became a lunatic....but he stayed with her for the baby, then couldn't handle it anymore, and took the child with him....i'm not extremely sure what happend after that, but the child ended up back with the mother...then after she let her now-fiancee move in with her, stuff got worse with her..and now she's more of a lunatic than ever...and
As for the father, I've been told i should watch out...and i will...there are some barriers that i can't let down with ANYONE...because i don't trust people, and although i feel as though i trust him 100% and i love him more than i could even begin to explain, and i know for a fact that he loves me too...and i know he's flipped around 100% from what he used to be like....i keep watch....because my ex screwed with me BIG TIME....so my head is screwed up now. Hell, i won't let barriers down even for my family, myself or a flipping animal..never really have, but i'm more protective now since my ex did what he did....there are just things i don't trust about any living thing.
But, something tells me that i dont have to worry about anything about him........i pray, and i can see from prayers, and from being with him, that there is nothing that this man would do to hurt me. it's hard to believe.....but if i'm wrong, then i'll be stubborn until i learn my lesson.

 

Hardly possible. This man, if he is worth his salt, needs to stop making excuses and get his child into a tolerable situation......if the situation she is in is actually as bad as claimed.

People who make excuses when it comes to taking care of thier kids don't sit right with me.

 

I'd just like to add-- please don't condemn a mother based on circumstantial evidence. It is very possible this woman is just really scared and lonely, hates showing affection in public and is in a bad relationship. Have you spoken compassionately to her, because it seems you may come across as a threat if you walk in her house, notice how messy it is, and then ask where the daughter's glasses are. DFS should be a last resort, IMO. It takes a village, you know. Also, have you just asked her if you and boyfriend could take the child for a weekend, or an afternoon? Have that girl for a significant period and you may gain new perspective. My $0.02
Becca

 

Yes!!

Uh...taking care of oneself is a primary step to caring for a child. If dad can't provide a home for himself how is he going to provide a stable environment for the child.

Excuses don't fly with me as to why I can't help my child now. Later or next year is not good enough for MY child.

 

Thank you, Becca, that was a great post. I agree!